Panty Raiders

September 19, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

I was recently exploring E-Bay (the on-line auction site), trying to score a copy of 'Secret of Mana' for the Super Nintendo. (Got it for 22 bucks, Tony. Isn't this country great?) Matt then showed me some of the wackier things for sale, like obscure cook-books and punch bowls. I mean, who's buying this stuff?

"Man, I SO need a punch bowl. Especially a used, grotty one that will break in the mail."

Anyhow, I half-jokingly wondered if women sold their used underwear on this site, since some guys have a fetish for previously-worn panties. And, since this is the Internet, you won't be surprised to note that there were over a THOUSAND items at auction that were filed under the 'panty' heading. Some of these soiled wonders had multiple bids, and were ranging in the 20-30 dollar price tag area. 30 bucks for used underwear.... hmmmm....

Needless to say, a get-rich quick scheme popped into my head. I noticed that a college girl's panties were a 'hot' item and were being sold for about 27 bucks. (And with future bids to come!) Hmmm... I know a lot of college girls! And they (presumably) wear underwear!

Heck, I can't believe hundreds of people aren't pulling this crap already. Let's see... Lisa, Jeanine, Brie-Anne, Kristen, etc.... needless to say, all you need do is wear the underwear for a day, I sell it on-line and do all of the legwork, and we split the profits. (And, of course, you gals would get a little extra to keep your panty supplies up.) And don't think that I'm using people for money. I'm making depraved perverts happy, and isn't that what it's all about?

If all of this isn't the biggest argument against free-market capitalism, what is?

Anyways, we're getting away from the important thing here, which is the part where I make money for doing relatively nothing. And, of course, once my name and reputation spreads, I'll become the number one source of used college-girl underwear on this side of the bandwith. With my coven of panty-wearing wenches filling my coffers, what could possibly stop me from becoming fabulously wealthy? He he!!!

Sure, there are drawbacks, such as:

- getting really, really sick of underwear

- explaining to the post office why I'm bringing in bags of fetid underclothing

And, of course:

- the fact that I'm using my best friends to supply disgusting fetish objects to depraved, sick perverts who might turn out to be murderous serial rapists

Then again, what small businessman hasn't had to leap over that little hurdle in his wheelings and dealings? Serial rapists are customers too, after all. Of course, I won't know that this is REALLY a success until the Mafia gets involved.

THIS JUST IN: Channel 6 News has uncovered a used-panty ring at Hofstra University, with ties to organized crime and a nearby halibut farm. Obviously, the 'Mob' is in it for the money, but the purpose of the many halibut remains a mystery. We spoke to the ringleader on his way to a local jail:

Me - "I'm just trying to make a living! I sell the best damned used panties in the world! What is WRONG with this country!!! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! Why should I go to jail to protect your panty-sniffing freedoms? Why?!?"

Morgan Carlson - rebel with underwear.

- Morgan -