Playaz For Life

September 14, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

Tony, I just checked out you 'belaying' at the Lehigh site. (Belaying... so that's what the kids call it now.) But hey, man, get off of the rocks and hop onto the bus. We have to go tour, man! (For those who don't know, Tony and I make really awful rap songs together.)

Indeed, Tony, it's time for us to take our career to the next level. (Or, as rappers say, 'elevate.') Sure, we have no group name, no album, and no fans. But that never stopped MC Lyte or Big Daddy Kane.

Of course, we'll hit the hometown show first, to build our confidence and hone our act.

Emcee - "Yo, West Hartford! Put those hands up for Tony and Morgan... or, as you know them, Log-a-Rhythm and MC Squared!"
Fan - "Hey, where's the other Beastie Boy?"
Fan - "Why is Eminem wearing glasses and cheap khaki pants?"
Me: "Okay, everybody, you ready to fuck it up? This might be our last show ever, 'cause we live by the gun, y'all!"
Tony: "And we born to die, yo!"
Me: "Yo, the police hunt us down..."
Tony: "...but we ain't afraid!"
Me: "'Cause we got more bullets than hookers got AIDS!"
Tony: "Yo, T-shirts are just 15 bucks in the lobby!"

- This just in, from MTV News! -

Kurt Loder: "Two quote-unquote 'rappers' have hijacked a Connecticut bingo hall and are proceeding to perform what seven fans are calling the "most fucked-up" rap concert in history. We have a news van live at the scene:

Fan: "Yeah, dude, me and Moonbeam here were trying to cop some old people medication here at the bingo hall. Then, suddenly, these two crazy dudes pushed the old dudes off the stage and began using the number-calling microphones to rap."

Moonbeam: "It was wild."

Fan: "I need some Fritos or something. I'm fiendin'."

Kurt Loder: "We'll keep you updated as the story progresses. Now, stay tuned for a boy band video, a Limp Bizkit video, and thirteen minutes of ironic, detached commercials that appeal to fickle 14-25 year-olds with no attention spans."

Later that month, Tony and I are interviewed in Rolling Stone magazine.

"So, after the West Hartford scandal, why did you guys decide to delay finishing your album?"

Me: "Well, we got locked up for what they called 'disturbing the peace....'"
Tony: "But they really jailed us for the crime of being white!"
Me: "Why can't us white folks ever catch a break?"
Tony: "We're selling T-shirts out of our trunk for ten bucks!"

Meanwhile, back in the tour bus....

Tony: "What's our next show?"
Me: "A pet store in Hearth, Arizona."
Tony: "What's the pay?"
Me: "Three goldfish and a hamster wheel!"
Tony: "Sweet!"

At the show.....

Me: "Yo, yo, where all the playaz at?"
Fan: "Um, sir, could you move? I need to buy some fish food."
Tony: "Ain't no love without the hate! Dog collars are 50% off! And get tags, too, so you know where your dogz are at!"
Me: "Yo, these cats on the street be messed up! So have your pets spayed or neutered!"
Tony: "T-shirts for five bucks! Use them to line your new bird cage!"

Back in the van....

Me: "Where's the next gig?"
Tony: "A 4 AM Niagra Falls tour bus. Remember, some people out there in Buffalo-Niagra speak French."
Me: "Parlez-vous SCORE!"
Tony: "Good thinking... let's practice our French."
Me: "Les T-shirts est free avec each large coffee."

Come see us when we come to your town!

- Morgan -