Part 3: Marriage or Suicide - Then Again, What's The Difference? (I Think)

September 13, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

"Wives are young men's mistresses, companions for middle age, and old men's nurses."

It's time for me to wind up this dating essay with the obligatory marriage segment. As we all know, marriage is the penultimate goal of the dating nonsese we put ourselves through. If we don't get married, then we die alone, childless, and ostracized from our families like a leprous pariah. So get hitched, damn it.

Of course, for us nerds, it's not really an issue. All of the girls we'd like to marry will be fishing elsewhere. Don't worry, though, 'cause you'll still be able to spend time with the girl of your dreams at one of the following positions:

At these fabulous positions, you will get to hear such time-honored aphorisms as:

Sure, that sort of talk seems contradictory. But dating isn't supposed to make sense! If it did, girls would be dating the sweet, stable, caring guys, as opposed to the fly-by-night, abusive, uncaring guys they end up with. And make excuses for. And, of course, they love to break up with guys and curse their name, only to "give it another try" after using their nerd Platonic Pals for comfort, love, and a shoulder to cry on. Of course, there's a certain sadistic pleasure in watching great girls bend over backwards to let asshole men treat them like crap. In a world without justice, schadenfreude ain't bad.

If you're one of those asshole guys, I've just revealed a horrible secret: girls will give you a second chance. Hell, they'll give you a tenth chance. Find a sweet girl and throw her the occasional bone, so she'll think everything is great. Then, you can push her buttons... maybe by not calling her, or cheating on her, or what have you. And... sorry, I'm laughing too hard to type.... okay.... here comes the best part: she'll want to 'work it out.' While she's at home, worried sick and wondering why you don't love her, you can go out and fuck other girls and live it up. Once you get tired of sleeping around, you can go back to the original girl, who will - ha ha ha, I love this - be HAPPY to have you back. I'm serious.

And, eventually, you'll give up on infidelity and sign up for marriage. This is just like dating, except more often, and if you sleep around again, you'll get fucked in the divorce settlement. So keep those pants on, gigolo.

Keys to a successful marriage:

- not telling your wife about the bad stuff you do

- don't hit your children unless they're mute and can't report you

- work. A lot. It keeps you away from home.

During a marriage, it's important to occassionally not be a total asshole. You can get away with it while dating, but wives tend to be a bit more selective. Once common law enters the picture, being a scumbag becomes a criminal offense. Of course, you can always offset being heinous by 'being romantic.' Some nice ways to be romantic are to not hit your wife on her birthday, or to take your socks and shoes off while having sex.

Also, some of the strongest marriages (and even yours) have ended because of the pitfalls known as 'special occasions.' Birthdays are the worst, although my father has managed to make anniversaries equally perilous. From what I've learned, the following make poor gifts for your wife:

And, if you still manage to screw it up, you can always get a divorce. And if you can't afford it, you can beat her to death with a shovel.

- Morgan -

©1999, Morgan Carlson