Gratuitous Companion Piece(I Think)

September 13, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

"Men have become tools of their tools."

I just did a piece on how freshman could get women, and then I realized something: I offered nothing for the nerds. How could I turn on my own people like that? So, for all of my fellow Brothers of the Bandwith, here are the latest girl-grabbing geek techniques.

The Worship Technique: The most popular of the nerd techniques, this little number has occupied more nerd free time than 'Magic: the Gathering' and 'The Hobbit' combined. Here's the general idea: you meet a girl you're CRAZY about, and then spend as much time with her as humanly possible.

"And then you ask her out, right?"

No, you fucking moron! You NEVER ask her out! That would involve putting your ego on the line! And besides, if you never ask her out, there's always a chance she WOULD say yes if you ever DID ask her out, and that's better than being rejected. The nerd mind is a labyrinth of hang-ups, I tell you.

Anyhow, the ultimate hope of this style is that the girl will figure out that the nerd loves her, and that she will ask him out. This has not happened once in 2,000 years. It never will. Somebody kill me.

The Wanna-Be Club Guy Technique: This technique is even more pathetic than the Worship technique, if that is even conceivable. This is the style in which the nerd, against his better judgement, gives up on his nerdly ways for a night and tries to pick up women like a regular person. Uh oh.

For starters, the nerd sticks out like a sore thumb as he steps into the club. His clothes will be completely inappropriate, and at best, outdated designed wear.

Also, nerds tend to place high values on honesty and respect, two things which will get you nowhere at a club.

Also, most nerds can't dance. Some of them can't even walk very well. Every nerd, at one point, contemplates this technique. But you can't live in another world. But go ahead and try. It will give you new levels of contempt for the masses.

The Rape Technique: This is when a nerd goes fucking nuts, and begins raping women in order to feel he has power over them. This tecnique is actually rather effective, although it leads to jailtime, where the nerd will get more sex than he ever bargained for.

The Stalker Technique: A variation on the Worship style, with one crucial difference: instead of the girl being friends with the nerd, she regularly calls the police on him.

Some of the more classic Stalker moves are:

- studying a girl's routine, to try to be wherever she is.

- leaving things in the girl's room to give yourself an excuse to go back

- taping her when she speaks, and then cutting and pasting the snippets to make it sound like she's talking to you

Example: "Um, Morgan, I don't know what you want from me, but I think you've been following me around, and it's messing with my head. I'm going to call the police, and they're going to give you the beating of a lifetime."

With Editing: "Morgan I want to give you head."

Stalkers eventually graduate to Rapists after getting at least 9 credits in the following courses:

As you can see, there is an abundance of ways for us nerds to meet women. None of them work, mind you, but at least you can try. It's also vitally important to remember that you'll never get the girl you want. You'll get A girl, probably, and she'll be okay. But she won't be the ONE, and you'll live a shadow life where you eternally wonder "what if." Meanwhile, your dream woman will end up marrying some guy who treats her half as well as you would. Life is oft cruel. This is the sort of thing that makes anarchy popular.

So, what do you do? Try this: make a few failed attempts at romance, suffering through the requisite rejections. Then, build up anger and rage as you begin to realize how cruel and unfair life is. Say things like: "how come girls don't realize that we nerds would treat them like queens?" Eventually, the build up of depression, anger, and stomach acids will result in a REALLY neato explosion of flesh and bodily fluids.

Or, to save time, I hear that slitting your wrists in the tub is like taking a deep, warm sleep.

Good luck!

- Morgan -

©1999, Morgan Carlson