Sex and the Single Freshman Pt. 2 (I Think)

September 12, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

"Dude, you shouldn't sleep with a girl unless you respect her as a person and as a human being."

- Morgan Carlson

"How can I respect a girl who would sleep with me?"

- Blake Carlson

"Man, that girl was lunchmeat."

- Ben Ellenwood

Another batch of freshman has arrived at Hofstra, with one all-encompassing desire: to get laid. They've seen the eighties comedies. They've heard the jokes on the Daily Show. They've seen the hidden dormitory Web-Cams on the Internet. (Not that I have. Cough.) To them, college is just one big sex romp. And it CAN be, if you follow my advice. (Advice which has served ME so well these three-plus years. Cough.)

So to all of you freshman guys out there (none of whom are on this list, but that's besides the point), here are the tips from the Master. (Freshman girls need no help in finding sex. Trust me, there are more than enough willing men out there. Real classy ones. Cough.)

Girls like to feel special. Try not to wear a face that says: "if you don't let me fuck you, I'll try someone else." Sure, that's what you're thinking. But girls are fatally optimistic (in other words, brain-dead), and sincerely believe that, in time, they'll convert you into a marriage-minded master of monogamy. A girl seriously thinks along these lines:

"Well, I'll give my body to this guy for a few years. I'll put up with his infidelity, his lack of warmth, and his overall sleaziness, because I know that someday he'll see the light and will want to start a family."

Man, girls are retards, huh? Guys, you can use female stupidity to your advantage! Tell them that you "love them," especially when you're closing a phone conversation. Girls eat up that crap with a spoon. Also, most girls are so spiritually and emotionally empty that they'll hang on to whatever cheesy scraps of romance you fling their way. Here are some good examples of fake crap that chicks love:

"Baby, I've been thinking about you all day."
"That chick is pretty hot, but she's not YOU, honey."
"I want to be with you forever, dear. But not married. And I still want to plow other chicks." (Um, this line needs to be refined a little.)

But how do you find a girl that will buy your shpiel? Most guys go to bars or clubs, but those usually end up as one-night stands. Sure, that's "getting laid" in a nutshell, but you need to think long-term. What you want is a girl that you can use for sex, money, and stability in a more long-term sense. I mean, one-night stands are so random and unpredictable. It's much better strategy to have a girl around that will let you pop her at your leisure, just so long as you call her once in a while and take her out to dinner.

The girls you're looking for have these qualities:

- a middle-class background, where they used to worry about their family and friend's approval towards boyfriends. Now, without any watchful eyes, they're free to date garbage like you.

- virgins. It seems odd, doesn't it, that virgins would be an ideal sexual target. But look at it this way: a slut will be banging a new guy after you're done, but if a girl gives you her virginity, she'll treat you like a prince, even though all you did was defile her with your filthy sex organ. I'm serious. If you take a girl's "flower," she'll put up with almost any of your nonsense, just because she can't admit to herself that she lost her virginity to a total loser. This only added further evidence to the study that showed women grew "emotional receptors" in lieu of an actual functioning brain.

- and last, but not least, you need to look for women with low self-esteem. A girl's feeling of self-worth will skyrocket when she gets a new boyfriend, even if it's someone like you. With a man, she's SOMEBODY. (A deceited shell of her former self, perhaps, but still SOMEBODY.) Girls with lost expressions or slightly saddened eyes are a good start.

Okay, you've found a girl. Now, what do you say? There are many approaches:

To The Point: "Hi there. Would you like to come back to my place?"

To The Point, with a Ghetto Twist: "Yo, slut, want to ride my cock, you fucking whore?"

Suave: "Greetings. I couldn't help but notice you standing alone. It seems like such a waste to have a beautiful woman like you, being unattended in a place like this. Why don't we slip back to my chateau, where we can drink champagne, and then you can ride my cock like the fucking whore that you are."

Nervous: "Um, hi. I'm, uh, not very good at this. Um... er... (some girls dig this stuff. Puts them off their guard, too. This is the approach used by those rapists on the news; you know, the ones with the glasses and the bloody hammer in their back pocket.)

Alright, some of you might be wondering: what's the point? Is sex even worth all of this mess? Is a few moments of pleasure a reasonable goal, when it involves the potential destruction of a girl's emotional health and physical well-being? Sure! There are so many benefits to sex! Such as:

- sex makes pickpocketing the girl easier.
- it allows you to leave your Cult of Jupiter propaganda in her apartment while she's in the shower.
- and, of course, it gives you an opportunity to impregnate the girl with your seed, thus making her womb the incubator for your demon spawn, who will eventually become the All-High Magistrate of your hellish Earth empire.

So what are you waiting for? Get out there, you freshman ragamuffins, and get busy!

- Morgan -