Um, We'll Get Back To You

September 11, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

Dear Big Check We Get Every Semester,

We thank you for applying to CyberKineticElectrosoft Enterprises. We will process this form within 5-7 days and get back to you. Good luck, and we hope to be working with you soon!

Name: Zen Morgan (born Morgan Carlson). Actually, my mother wanted to name me Rayjean. Really. However, my father said no, because he didn't want me to grow up to be a fruity little nerd. Sorry, Dad.

Home Address: ** ******* Street in West Hartford, CT. (Home of such legendary landmarks as the Noah Webster House, and the Sarah Whitman Hooker House, which caused no end of hilarity in my younger days. See, the sign said Hooker House... you know, like a house with hookers in it. Get it? Get it?)

Previous Work Experience: I worked at Friendly's for about three years, on and off. There, I picked up such valuable skills as:

- talking to high-level management (for example, when my boss Jeff was dead drunk and passed out in his office, I told the visiting higher-ups that he was "currently unavailable").

- fishing the junkie waitresses out of the bathroom toilets with a broom handle

- resisting the urge to kill whiny children with my bare hands

I also worked for Academic Computing during college, where I was in charge of the Chinese food condiments.

Education: I attended Hofstra University on Long Island, where their motto is: "We'll Be Getting Accredidation ANY Day Now!" There, I earned a degree in creative writing, which means I spent thousands upon thousands of dollars for a degree you can get in a mail-order catalog. I didn't mean to love writing. I like computers! Honest! Please hire me! Oh, God, why was I reading "The House of Seven Gables" while other kids were building networks by hand?

Oh yeah, and I minored in art history. Cough.

Social Skills: None. Sorry. I couldn't even get a date in college. How sad is that? Even the gassy calculus major down the hall got a date at least once. In other words, I won't be in the 'personnel' department.

Special Talents: I kick crazy ass at Bubble Bobble. I also take all kinds of abuse without complaint. Seriously. The world bounces me around like a fleshy ping-pong ball, and I remain calm.

"Seeing a person take adversity without complaint can really impress people."

- Bill Chapman

It also makes you ball up your rage into a finely-honed sphere, which you can hold back until you wish to unleash it and destroy the East Coast. My tank is almost full. So, if anyone would like to see me REALLY fuck up New Jersey, just push my few remaining buttons. Then I can take a nap.

Activities/Special Awards:

The Gilded Garbanzo - Won it in a 6th grade spelling bee.

Fourth Place in the "Whatta Nerd!" Mathematics Fair during 8th grade.

Honorary Member of the Hofstra Beekeeper's Guild

Thank you for completing this application. We will be in touch with you soon.

- Morgan -