September 8, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

Dear Big Check We Get Every Semester,

We have yet to receive the proper amount for your room and board bills this semester. Normally we'd give you some time to take care of the arrangements, but there are plenty of freshmen with credit cards who'd like your room, and we need quick money to pay for a 80,000-seat football stadium. Oh sure, we only get about a hundred people at our games now, but if we build a huge stadium, we'd be seen as 'big time,' and people would FLOOD to our football games. See? That logic makes sense, right? I mean, you might get those loudmouths who say: "if you put a polka band in a huge stadium, would it fill each seat, just because the stadium was nice?" But they stand in the way of progress. 'Cause at Hofstra, progress means: "spending your money on crap." And.... wait, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah. Look here, four-eyes. We have no problem with kicking your Connecticut ass to the curb. It may seem unfair that your meal plan doesn't work while we threaten you with homelessness, but all of the starvation and paranoia will help you clear up your registration problems that much faster. "Build strength through hunger," that's the Hofstra motto. Besides, you can sneak free rolls from the salad bar, and that's more than the average Hofstra girl eats in a day. "Build a sex life through anorexia!" is our other motto.

So pay up, poindexter, or you can sleep in the parking lot.

Remember, you are a valued member of the Hofstra community.

- Student Accounts -

With that little nightmare behind me, now begins phase two of my little red tape entanglement. I have to add some classes and drop a few. In an ideal world, I'd be able to just fill out an add/drop form and hand it in at Memorial Hall. You'd think that would be the case. Well, moron, you're wrong.

First of all, I need to see my advisor. I don't have one. It will take me a few weeks to get one and get a solid appointment. None the less, I need one to change classes. I hope you can add a class in the middle of October.

"Wow, my first day of class... and only two weeks until finals! This class just flew by!"

Even worse is the approval factor. To get signed in to a class, you have to go to the professor and ask to be signed in.

(Mr. Adams cackles a few more times, than throws a crystal ball to the ground. The ball explodes in a cloud of acrid smoke, which fills the room. When I stop coughing and open my eyes, Mr. Adams is gone. Suddenly, a magic marker rises into the air, and, inexplicably, writes 'Playa 4 Life' on the Dry-Erase board before falling to the ground. The room is then silent, except for the ominous message that now lurks on the board in front of me. Then, all is still.....)

- - WE INTERRUPT THIS ESOTERIC NONSENSE TO BRING YOU A BRAND NEW MORGAN HAIKU ABOUT THE HOFSTRA BUREAUCRACY - -

memorial hall

is my own personal hell

where is my shotgun?

Ship THAT shit to Font. And I have plenty of ideas for the accompanying illustrations.

- Morgan -

©1999, Morgan Carlson