September 4, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

Welcome to another year of long, dithering messages that you pretend to read. Yay!

"Oh, um, Morgan, I really liked that E-mail about.... um.... you know, the one with the penis joke."

This summer, as you might recall (yeah, right), I had planned to record an entire album of songs with my man, Tony. And - if you can believe it - we never really got around to doing much. I mean, how can two unemployed suburban kids be expected to have that kind of free time?

Plenty of stuff DID happen this summer, though. Actually, the only news I watched was the Daily Show on Comedy Central, and they might have been making this stuff up. Anyhow:

Woodstock III (or Woodstock '99, or whatever) sent out a message of peace and love, and the crowd responded with rioting and fires. Let it not be said that our generation lacks a voice. Woodstock did have some positive results, though.

- It allowed middle-aged security guards the rare opportunity to see free-spirited high school girls get naked and run around. Or, for the more hands-on security men, they got a chance to wait for the young gals to imbibe drugs, to make the proceeding rape session that much simpler. This is true: actual Woodstock security men were quoted as saying that they took the job for these reasons. It's nice to know that Jewel provided a lovely musical backdrop for pre-planned sexual assaults.

"Don't worry, you stoned little bitch. I'll wait until your favorite song before I start."

And they say romance is dead.

Woodstock also gave Starbucks a chance to better position their product to the crucial 18-34 year-old demographic. After all, when Jimi Hendrix played his classic version of 'The Star-Spangled Banner,' he was obviously saluting the right for faceless corporate conglomerates to increase their product's visibility to age demographics with high amounts of discretionary income.

(Speaking of Jimi.... now that the rights to his songs were settled, isn't it amazing how many commericals feature his tunes these days? See Jimi roll in his grave. Roll, roll, roll.)

I'd write about other summer stuff, but I don't remember it. I beat Mystical Ninja. Again.

- Morgan -

©1999, Morgan Carlson