Super Bored

January 31, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

Wow. Another Super Bowl. Yay.

Once again, a nation sits around the proverbial 'tube and worships at the altar of organized violence. Nothing says: "America" like a bunch of gorillas in colorful uniforms, mangling each other in the name of product placement and advertising rates. *Sniff.* Forgive my patriotic fervor........

Now, don't get me wrong.... professional sports can be a charming diversion. If something encourages people to be more athletic, hey, what the heck. Lord knows professional wrestling inspired me in MY childhood, when my brother and I would have rather impressive matches in our living room. Not only did we pull devastating moves on the couch, but we also announced our own matches.

"Oh no!!! Macho Morgan is mounting the recliner!!"
"Bad Boy Blake is out on the carpet.... he can't move...."
"Morgan leaps for the elbow smash!!! Oh my!!!! Blake dodged!!!"

"Morgan's elbow is broken!!! He's going to need medical care!!! No, really!!! Blake, it's really broken!!! Blake, stop wrenching my leg, my elbow is broken!!! BLAKE!!!!"

But, of course, most people don't take the cue from professional athletics, and are content to be overweight couch jockeys, as compared to healthy, active sports fans. I mean, consider the irony: they make "athletic wear" in XXXXL sizes. What sort of fat-ass has the nerve to wear "athletic" gear?

"Hey, guys.... want to play some hoops?"
red, whenever you play, you run five feet, collapse, and wheeze until we can get the medics to come over and hoist you upright."
"I got mad 'D!'"

Don't get me wrong.... I don't profess to be some sort of super-athlete. I'm barely even mobile. But then again, I have referred to the chair-swinging, flabby denizens of Extreme Championship Wrestling as 'athletes', so my opinion on the subject is worthless, anyhow.

So, here's the big question: how is the most sports-obsessed nation in the world, also the most obese and unhealthy?

I don't know.

Sorry.

What do I look like, a philosopher?

- Morgan -