I Hate My Only Friend

January 27, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

Ahhhh, television. My truest friend on lonely days. How come you let me down when I need you most?

Television has finally gone from mindless distraction to just mindless. And I don't just hate the 'Friends' clones and commercials about female hygiene. I'm talking insulting.

- They now have commercials that parody commercials. You know, those advertisements where a guy laughs at a ridiculous commercial by a competing company, or such-like. I preferred the days when commercials openly brain-washed us without the rigaramole. I firmly believe that if we fight one method of brain-washing, the government will merely devise a newer and meaner one.

And the, for kicks, comedy shows parody the parodies of commercials that were silly to begin with. Who can laugh through that thick layer of satire? After all of this, the government is just going to shoot us if we resist mind control.

- Movie trailers are no longer commercials; they're movies to go. As soon as you see the tagline, you know the ending.

"Two people.... exact opposites.... discover what love is all about."

The two people meet in odd circumstances, and hate each other instantly. Then, they fall in love in a weird location. But before they get married, a series of misunderstandings threaten to break them up forever. Thankfully, everything is cleared up and everyone cries a lot, 'cause it's all happy and shit.

"Earth faces it's greatest danger....."

Earth is threatened by a big comet or aliens or whatever is hip this week. A crack team of oddballs - a quiet hero, a Brooklyn wise-ass, a black guy, a babe, and a technically-able Asian guy - manage to save the Earth in time, so we can continue to make more shitty apocalypse movies like this one.

"Can a pack of losers win the Big Game?"

Another team of oddballs - a fat guy, an angry guy, the lone female, the foreign guy, the stupid guy, etc. - form a team of and try to reach the World Series/Super Bowl/whatever. They lose early on from incompetence, but something unites them late in the movie, and they band together and use their weirdness to win it all. Of course, the proficient and skilled team that they beat are all assholes, so you can root against them. Forget athletes, let's root for drunks, morons, and the obese.

Anyway, forget crappy movies, I'm talkin' about crappy television. All of the good stuff is gone..... game shows are dying off to moronic talk shows..... I mean, 'Jerry Springer' was funny for five minutes, but it won't have the lasting appeal of a 'Scrabble' or 'The $25,000 Pyramid.'

That reminds me.... 'Springer' sucks. I'm sorry.... it's supposedly a way for poor people to get on television, but why do we want them on television, per se? I doubt the nation's poorer half enjoys being portrayed as a bunch of violent, oversexed whores. And why is the audience ALWAYS surprised when the girl shows her new lover to her boyfriend, and it's a girl? It happens on every show, and usually more than once, but it never fails to shock the crowd.

"Wait.... she's also dating another WOMAN? Holy shit!!!!"

And how come some scrawny, ball-scratching hillbilly always has two chicks fighting over him? At least one of them isn't morbidly obese.... why would she want the smelly hick? Sigh.

Ahhh, fuck television. It's back to masturbation for me.

- Morgan -