January 20, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

I feel a season of writing coming up.... or is that just a gonnorhea flare?

In any event, I'm back here at Hofstra, doing exactly the same thing I did when I left last summer - playing on my computer and wondering why girls aren't walking into the room in the interests of dating.

Unfortunately, reality isn't like television. Every sitcom has taught me that when the young male protagonist moves to a new location, such as a new neighborhood or college dormitory, he is automatically placed next door to a girl who is best described, in the immortal words of Dudley 'Booger' Dawson, as "major babe material." Then, the young male protagonist turns to the camera and says something like: "I think I'm going to like it here!" or "Maybe this won't be so bad after all."

Unfortunately, we don't live next door to anything remotely female. The only possible time a girl might stumble into our room is when a girl gets lost looking for Joe's pad down the hall. Even the local escort services have a note by their phone reading: "do not take calls from this number." Apparently, they don't take kindly to having their employees hired for a night of playing Mario Kart.

"Yeah, we need another person for a four-player death match. Send your best girl over right away!"

Therefore, my main goal this year is to attract women to the room. But what type of woman?

We could try to lure attractive women into the room, but thanks to the advent of the mirror, beautiful women KNOW they're beautiful and thus know they could do better than us. So they're out.

The logical choice is nerdy girls, but since they read a lot, they've no doubt checked out the statistics of college date rape and won't go near a room full of college males. We might lure them in with video games and typing skills, but they'd get uncomfortable quickly and make weird squirming motions. And that's the last thing I need.

We could try the fat girl route, but our fridge smells like Satan, and we can't put food in it. Without a ready supply of cold cuts and desserts to keep the fatties content, we'd be quickly eaten out of house and home, and the fat girls would soon roam for the next food source. So forget that.

Another possibility would be foreign exchange students, but most foreign people are obsessed with American designer brands, and wouldn't care for our lack of fashion. Also, most (if not all) foreign people are stupid and dirty, so fuck those alien weirdos. Especially those cock-sucking Danish bastards with their little rat-dogs and weird sausages.

So, it looks like it's back to rape for me.

©1999, Morgan Carlson