Back To My Roots

March 22, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

Right now, I'm taking a little stroll down memory lane. In my early years here at Hofstra, I had to come to the computer lab to write these informative diatribes, since I didn't have a network card in those primitive days of freshmanhood. Now, once again, I find myself in the labs. (I have to print out about thirty pages of old homework, and Allan's printer is too young for such abuse.)

Now I remember why I got a network card.

- It's hot in here. 'Fucking Dark Continent hot!', as my brother is fond of saying. Computers emit heat. Logically, Hofstra would install a cooling system for both our benefit, and for the safety of the computer circuitry. But Hofstra apparently spent all its money on an indoor stadium, which will house up to three events a year.

"Come to the indoor stadium, to...."
"Where?"
".... to see the Hofstra lacross team...."
"We have a lacross team?"

- All of the geeks in here aren't even fun nerds. All of the top-end nerds, like Jeanine and I, spend our days in Dionne Lab. Hammer Lab has the fat nerds, who only talk about beer and cars, and can't admit that they're nerds, even though they date less than I do and only associate with overweight males with Sega Thumb. Don't get me wrong... I love my fellow nerds more than anyone... but only if they're 'out of the closet', and can fully admit to geekdom.

"Yo, I ain't a nerd. Now let's go to 'Hooters' and talk about the supermodels we think are hot!"

- All of my print-outs are blurry. If I was a real student, I'd bitch about it. And don't think teachers don't grade on cleanliness of the work. Giving a paper a bad grade 'cause it's blurred is a lot easier than reading the whole damn thing.

- Fuck, it's hot.

- Dark Continent hot.

- People are always staring at each other's monitors. Especially me. There's this kid three computer screens down, who is pretending to not look at pornography. Very covert, this guy.

"Alright.... I'll look at the naked girl for a second, and then click on 'Net Search.' Back... forth.... back... forth... no one suspects a thing!"

If I was a bolder man, I'd use the computers at the head of the room to send him a network message reading: "How's the porn looking, Captain Jag-Off?" Ahh, it's good to be in 'academic' computing.

- It's funny when the Assistants try to help people fix their computer problems.

"Yeah, it said there was a system.ini error, and that the program can't run."
"Um... did you try... um.... resetting it?"
"Yes."
"Let me call my boss."

- The errors these users have are even funnier.

"My disk doesn't work."
"Stop chewing on it, and put it in the drive."
"Wow! Thanks!"
"Did you put a banana peel in the ZIP drive?"
"No, that was.... um ... you!"

Alright, it is too fucking hot in here. Toodles.

- Morgan -