Chat Room Conduct

March 23, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

Forget this writing shit - there's no money in it, and frankly, writers only get to date 'intense' people, with social disorders and a chainsaw collection. (And look what happened to Ernest Hemingway.... he became such a nut, he went fishing with a shotgun, and accidentally shot BOTH of his legs. A true story. Man, that guy was a REAL fisherman.)

I have found my true calling - chat room policeman. I have become bored with chatting with the regular masses - plebeians, if you will - and have found a unique talent of pointing out the inadequacies of others and announcing them to the room. Some might call it petty and small-minded. They're right. But they're big dumb jerkheads anyway, and I hope they die real bad.

Anyhow, chat room policing is a unique skill. Observe:

StudMaster: "Yo, any ladies up for some cybersex?"
Me: "Hey, Stud, here's a novel idea. Why don't you haul your porky ass out of your computer chair, put down the Fritos, wipe your mouth, take a shower, and maybe meet some girls in reality, you lame fat-ass fuck."
StudMaster: "Um, I have to go and drown my sorrow in Ho-Hos."

There's one truth to reality: making others feel bad is a remarkably easy way to make yourself feel great. Heck, it's not like I have a love life to feed my ego, and I need to do SOMETHING to make my brain feel proud of itself.

Magnolia: "HI EVERYONE WHATS UP!"
Me: "I love people that use capital letters. It lets you know that they're morons, without forcing you to even read the entire message. The capital letters are a great way for people to blair their stupidity to the world in large, bright typeset."
Magnolia: "YEAH"

Someday, I want the entire Family to join me in a chat room, and just annoy the hell out of everyone else inside. It gives you a dirty thrill you just can't get anywhere else. Well, actually, if I had the balls to harass people in real life, that would be even better. But safety first. That's the rule of chat room policing - keep yourself safe from physical harm at all times.

Me: "And look at your grammar.... you've violated the English language at every opportunity...."
RedDawn: "Hey, check this out, Professor Dickhead. If you weren't snivelling behind the safety of your computer, I'd be kicking your grammatical ass all over the place."
Me: "Um..... cough...."

As such, I'm going to buy a gun soon.

- Morgan -