March 17, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

Recently, Evander 'The Really Old Deal' Holyfield and Lennox 'I Hit People For Money' Lewis fought in a highly publicized championship fight, which was meant to give one man all of the titles (there's like, ten of 'em) in boxing. And even though Holyfield spent the entire fight getting his retirement-home ass beaten in, the fight went to the finish, and the judges called it a 'draw.' A 'draw', folks - despite the fact that Lewis used Holyfield as a punching bag the entire time. Boxing fans - all thirty of them - are complaining that the fight was fixed. Gee, you think? And promoter Don King always seemed like such a straight shooter. See, wrestling fans aren't smarter than most, but they ARE smarter than boxing fans. At least everyone in the WWF crowd has come to grips with the reality of 'sports entertainment' - in-the-ring antics with predetermined outcomes. When the 'Corporate Champion' the Rock takes to the ring to fight Bill Snood, nobody wonders about the result - it's the fight, the 'show', that counts. People didn't pay to see a close battle - they came to see the Rock beat the living shit out of Snood, drop the Coporate Elbow on him, and do a few catchphrases on his way back to the locker room.

But of course, boxing fans can't admit all of this. They can't openly realize that they've been outsmarted by the WCW goers for all of these years. Nobody wants to look like Don King's fuck puppet; not even Mike Tyson.

Why was boxing so 'pure' in the first place? Who wants to see two men beat each other brainless for real? When Mankind fell off a steel cage at Hell in a Cell, I was happy to know he fell through a stunt table. He's brought me hours of entertainment, and shouldn't have to get REALLY hurt to do so. I'm glad that Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat is living a normal life with his kids post-retirement, as opposed to Muhammad Ali, who is a vegetable with a famous name.

It's funny how things change. In the late 80's, boxing was huge, and wrestling had become a national joke. Ten years later, wrestling is gigantic, and boxing is a sad sideshow. When Mike Tyson refereed at Wrestlemania 14, that said it all.

Personally, I prefer sports that are fixed. The Bulls got really boring after their fourth straight title... but in the WWF, when someone has been champion for too long, Vince McMahon just writes a script for a new champ. Boring athletes are replaced with fun ones. And you can use words like 'jabroni.'

I think life should be fixed. I'd like to know my future ahead of time, and when to wake up, and when to ask a girl out, and all that jazz. And if I get bored, I can do a 'heel turn' and become 'a bad guy.' You know, smack the wife around, and such. The fans love a villain.

I need to unplug my TV.

©1999, Morgan Carlson