March 11, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

I apologize if this letter happens to be of inferior quality. I just finished reading Hofstra's on-campus humor magazine, 'Nonsense', and it had a poisoning effect on my ability to write. 'Nonsense' is a black hole of comedy, and nothing that is even vaguely amusing can escape its gravitational pull and make it onto the page.
"Hey, guys, let's make another prostrate joke!"
"Ha ha! Look! Anything about sex is automatically funny, even if there's no context or tone!"
"Let's make another lame crack about a washed-up celebrity!"

Hey, Jeanine and Lisa.... I saw your names in the staff list.... I've had IM chats with you that are ten times as funny as anything in 'Nonsense.' You kids get on the ball and crank out some comedy. And here's a little tip for your cronies down there in the 'Nonsense' office: if something is ridiculous, merely pointing at it and saying: "Look at that!" is not automatically funny. For instance, pointing at a midget and laughing at his condition is not funny. However:

Some of you might be thinking that it's easy for me to sit here and complain. You might also be thinking that I should work to improve the world, rather than shitting on stuff I don't like. You people, then, think too much. Turn off your brains and watch television instead. I'M doing the thinking in this group list. (Excellent.... they're slowly coming under my control.....)

Anyway, I've decided on becoming a rapist. Every time I see a rapist on the news, he's always a skinny loner with glasses and bad hair. Sounds like me to a tee, and I've got the Internet with which to stalk potential victims. When I get caught, I want a Web-based evidence trail with which to detail my hideous succession of heinous crimes.

However, during my rape campaign, I want you guys to wear T-shirts with my face on them, with the caption: "Who's Next?" I'm going to be the People's Rapist.... not one of those angry, anti-social government-loathing types. I also want sponsors. I think Budweiser would send me a few checks if I promised to shout company slogans while doing the ol' rape thing.

"Shut up bitch!!!! You love it!!! Nothing beats a Bud, you whore!" I'm also training an apprentice rapist. I think Matt is my first candidate, so we can rape people on both sides of the ocean. Shame on me.... I'm soooo continental.

At this point, I was supposed to tie in the rape bit with the 'Nonsense' bashing. I was going to draw a connection between my critique of their writing and my own. But I forgot what I was trying to accomplish. I blame 'Nonsense.'

"Ha ha! I thought of another good 'Mr. Belvedere' joke!"

©1999, Morgan Carlson