March 7, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

Anyhow, Chuck is now the host of the NEW 'Dating Game', which is just like the old 'Dating Game', except the contestants and audience are dumber than they used to be. I'm not blaming the dumbing-down of America on Chuck Woolery specifically, but he is a major factor. Also contributing to our growing stupidity are such factors as:

- the Internet. There are more sites about ejaculating into somebody's face than there are sites about ecology or literature. It must be fun to be a slave to impulses.

- there is a job title known as "make-up consultant." Just think about that. Somebody consults other people on how to apply something as moronic and useless as make-up. It must be fun to be a slave to vanity.

- lastly, I blame men. We're just fucking idiots. Some women are dumb, too, but even they draw a line at some point. But men cross that line, shit all over it, and think they deserve a medal. Pauly Shore is a good example. So is Dennis Rodman. And anyone who has spent perfectly useful money on anything created by Marilyn Manson.

Think about it. Chuck Woolery has no discernible talent, and has been washed up since he joined show business. But he still gets regular work on television, and no doubt earns more money than my father, who wakes up at two in the morning to drive a truck, and has done so for hours and hours and hours for the last twenty years. We live in a Chuck Woolery world. Yikes.

Well, I'm not going to lie. Chuck Woolery's little 'Dating Game' has taught me a lot about women. They like loud men, obnoxious men, shallow men, and, of course, men who think they're amusing. Men who are ACTUALLY funny are a lot less popular than men who laugh at their own wretched jokes. Heck, even I could get laid if a crowd of people would go: "Woooooo!" after I made a lewd attempt at comedy.

Gay men lucked out, when you think about it. Gay men are just like women, without the irrationality and dependence on male acceptance. A gay guy doesn't give a rat's ass about what other men think - Richard Simmons is a good example. I really doubt that gay men are flooding the anorexia clinics, either. (Although there ARE cases of male eating disorders.... they must have gotten weird societal values from the WWF or something.)

But unless I become gay, I'm stuck with women. Which means I need to talk to Chuck Woolery in person, 'cause his many years of date-related programming has no doubt made him a guru on romance.

Maybe I'll just date Chuck. He's nice, clean-cut, and professional. And you know what they say about older men.... they die quicker and leave you the money.

©1999, Morgan Carlson