It's Not Smut If You Use High-Resolution Film

Feburary 2, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

Last night on the news, yet another chat-room pedophile stalker was arrested.... apparently, he lured two young boys to visit him in the park, where he brought them into the bathroom and did some rather nasty little things to their innocence. This raises two questions: why do news reports only highlight the evil Internet surfers? And why do homosexuals seem to practice their perfectly legal sex acts inside of restrooms? (Only George Michael fans and Hofstra students got that last remark. Sorry to everyone else.)

I don't even mind it when journalists scathe cyber-perverts - child abuse is news, and it should be told. But must the reporter use his or her 'scary voice' when doing the story?

"Tonight, on Channel Six News - is your child on the Internet?"
"Dum dum dum!!!!!" (Big, evil bass drum.)
"Tonight, another pervert is caught after sexually molesting a boy he met on-line. Could your kids be next?"
"Dum dum dum!!!!!"

And, naturally, the mother begins her crusade against the Web, in which all people must give DNA and urine samples before logging on, to protect her children from the evil pedophiles who lurk the bandwith streets. Hey lady - maybe you shouldn't let your kids surf the Web all by themselves. Yeah, yeah, parenting is a lot of work, but you should have thought of that before you spread your legs for that big, sloppy husband of yours, don't you think?

This reminds me of the Connecticut woman who wanted Comedy Central to ban 'South Park' because her young daughter was watching it. When asked why she didn't simply monitor her daughter's T.V. time after dinner, the woman replied:

"Well, she has a T.V. in her room. How am I supposed to keep an eye on her?"
Ahhhh...... ignorance is bliss. Boy, it must be nice to have a brain that computes such logic as:
"It's easier for a struggling network to cancel their biggest show, rather than to have me walk ALL the way down the hall and see what my own daughter is doing with her life."

Another entry of the Idiot Files saw a Japanese man die from 'pumping' - blasting compressed air into his rectum. This is great news for us Americans, as it single-handedly disproves the superiority of the Japanese educational system.

Alright.... class beckons, and I must return to the land of Firefly (which can be seen, frighteningly enough, at www.firefly.net), where every single digital moron in the place has to list 'oral sex' as one of their hobbies.

Hobbies: sex, licking, fucking, women, men, animals, 'water sports', your mother, oral sex, anal sex, verbal sex, tonal sex, masturbation, and dentistry.

I think we get the point, Romeo.
Toodles. - Morgan -

ecent.