Angry Dwarves (Of The Non-Albanian Kind)

April 30, 1998

By Morgan Carlson

I just checked out that People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People
voting site..... that angry dwarf guy has 48,000 votes compared to that
fruit basket Leo's paltry 6,000. People Magazine even gave Hank his own
voting button at the bottom of the list. God bless Internet geeks.
This is one of the few geek gag crusades that has a deeper meaning. I
think we should all do what we can to downplay the importance of good
looks in our shallow little society. My fellow nerds and I get upset
when People Magazine, and society in general, go out of their way to
remind us how aesthetically shabby our genes are. So what if I'm
ugly.... why don't we have a 50 Most Ugly (But Still Cool) People list?
Me, Hank the Dwarf, and the cast of Revenge of the Nerds (minus that
'hunk' traitor Anthony Edwards) can finally have a magazine celebrating
US. Think of it this way..... there isn't a 50 Smartest People list, now
is there? I'd like to see how Jenny McCarthy does on a calculus test.
"Um, what's this weird math tool thingy called again?"
"That's a pencil, you dumb fuck."
Not that I'm bitter.
It's not that I don't appreciate beauty.... but it seems that few
people appreciate anything else. People who can recite passages from
famous poems and works are called 'weird.' People who are good with
technology and computers are called 'nerds.' People who work to help
nature and the environment are called 'tree-huggers.' (That may not seem
like an insult, but how many guys hunt for women while wearing 'Save the
Whales' T-shirts?) Society has taught me a lot on the subject.... if you
want to be successful in the dating pool, you have to look good, work
out, dress nicely, and be blessed with the 'handsome' gene.
And naturally, every girl on here is saying: "Oh, fuck off. We're not
that shallow." Yeah, right. None of you would date a guy that society
deems 'unattractive.' I'm not saying women date purely by looks.... but
they find out about a guy's other interests AFTER they point him out in
the cafeteria to their friends and say: "Oh, he is SO gorgeous." Not
that I'm bitter.
Men are just as bad, to be sure. I'm one of the few guys that favors
women of a geek flavor - otherwise, I think we all know who men are
after. Most college guys have a poster of at least one model or bikini
bimbo on their wall.... I think they come with the room now.
"This room is pretty nice.... but do you have anything with Tyra
Banks?"
Our room came with a poster of Hofstra dean Mary Beth Carey. Not
that I'm bitter.
I want to start a magazine.... every week, the cover would feature
the most mediocre looking celebrities we could find. How cool is
that? I'd call it Homely Magazine.
"This week in Homely Magazine - computer tips..... video game
secrets..... the top new websites of the week..... and a cover story of
Helen Wilson, generally considered to be the least attractive folk
singer of our generation."
We'd even have a poll for the 50 Homeliest People, with on-line
voting to boot. (I was trying to think of some unattractive
celebrities to use as examples, but none come to mind. I think that
proves my point better than anything I've written so far.) I bet those
hordes of teeny boppers would get revenge for the Hank the Dwarf fiasco
and get Leonardo DiCaprio to win the poll, even though he wouldn't be
an option on the list. But in the end, I think that having Leo's face
under the headline '50 Homeliest People' would be a small victory on my
part. Not that I'm bitter.
In the meantime, feel free to check out this kick-ass Hank the Angry,
Drunken Dwarf homepage at www.li.net/~bludpool/hank/ - if you've ever
wanted to see an alcoholic midget in a pink bunny costume, now's your
chance. And don't feel any pity for him.... he'll be happily feeding off
the Howard Stern gravy train for the rest of his life. While you're
there, make sure to check out the list of Hank's quotes.... just trust me
on this one.
A lot of people on the People Magazine message board are complaining
that people are 'cheating' to have Hank win. Maybe a few of us are a
little weary of all of the superficial shit we have to deal with every
day, and would just like to stick it to all of you Leo-lovers and
beauty-obsessed star-gazers for once. Whether he wins or loses, Leo
still gets to fuck anybody he wants to - let us beauty-challenged folk
have our day in the sun.
Do I think that Hank will win the poll? Sure. Will People put Leo on
the cover anyway? Sure. Good looking people always win in the end....
it's the American way.
Not that I'm bitter.
- Morgan -