Term(inal) Papers

April 29, 1998

By Morgan Carlson

Before I bitch and moan about my upcoming term paper hell, I'm sending
mad props - or "ups" if you prefer - to big Matt for putting up a huge
chunk of my group mail rants on his homepage. He did it with his own
free time and with no compensation or payment whatsoever. In other
words, you're not getting a blowjob, Matt, so stop asking.
So anyway.... term papers and finals are here, huh? You know how you
wake up every morning and say: "oh, I'll do that paper later." Well,
it's officially "later." I've got four due next week.... and some of
them apparently require something called "research." As if my personal
knowledge on 17th Century British politics wasn't good enough for my
stuck-up professor.
Me - "Well, King Foodle was replaced by a large bear. I think the bear's
name was Bill."
Prof. - "Are you seriously telling me that the world's largest empirical
power was being run by a bear?"
Me - "Well, the bear was under alien control. So, technically,
Martians were running England."
Prof. - "Was this before or after Parliament held the kickball
tournament to determine who would be next in line for the throne?"
Me - "Before. Like a bear could play kickball. Dumbass."
And that's a subject I at least vaguely know. Imagine my paper on
early American printing methods.
Prof. - "Um, Morgan.... about your paper.... it's just a section of the
screenplay to 'Titanic.'"
Me - "What's your point?"
Prof. - "Well..... I'm rather sure that Kate Winslet had little to do
with the invention of the printing press."
Me - "You know, I'm sick of you fucking bastards trying to pigeonhole
her as some polite, coy British mistress. She can invent whatever she
wants, so get off her case!"
Prof. - "Alright, alright.... did you do that other paper yet?"
Me - "Yup. I hope you liked 'Aliens.'"
But term papers aren't quite as bad as finals. Writing is easy;
knowing stuff is far more difficult. Plus, you have to know a LOT of
stuff in a limited amount of time. It's so silly to have all the finals
in one week - why not have some at the beginning of the year to ease the
burden?
Prof. - "Alright, guys, you have two hours to complete this final."
Student 1 - "Um.... I haven't even bought my books yet."
Student 2 - "Is this Woodshaping 201?"
Prof. - "Ummm.... is anyone ready? Is anyone even in the right room?"
Student 3 - "Que ona uno final?"
Of course, professors usually use the defense that we were told of the
term papers and finals months in advance, and our procrastination was
our own fault. Which, in all fairness, is 100% true. However, most
professors know that everyone puts these things off to the last minute
anyway. They shouldn't even bother assigning this stuff until the last
week. The kids would bitch about it, but hey, kids love bitching about
assignments. Everyone wins - professors get months to design a good
final, and students get plenty to complain about. Man, I would make the
WORST school superintendent in history.
So don't be mad if I slack on the E-mail over the next week. I'll be
in the library, researching the reign of Billy the Bear. Ugh.
- Morgan -