Video Game Wisdom

April 27, 1998

By Morgan Carlson

I was playing some Mystical Ninja today, and I realized something:
between magical cat statues, shrinking powers, and flying dragons, the
game was a wild, fantastical place. And yet - none of it struck me as
odd. It made tons of sense that a huge dragon would come and fly me
around if I blew on a tiny little whistle. And, naturally, huge robotic
monsters could be killed by throwing coins at them... provided that you
uncover their weak point with the Magic Camera. My point? Video games
are fucked up.
But the thing is, video games are fucked up in a specific way. The
same twisted logic that applies in Legend of Zelda applies in Sonic the
Hedgehog, and in most other games. I mean, isn't it kind of funny that
even non-hardcore gamers know that picking up a heart lying on the ground
adds to one's life total?
So, my friends, here's a list of things I've learned from video games.
Only Ernie, Tony, Ian, Chris and the other Chris will understand all of
them, but hey, I go the extra mile for video game nerds.

- They've taught me that all insanely powerful monsters, demons, and
warriors have a jewel implanted in their body somewhere, which, if hit,
causes them extreme pain and leads to their untimely doom.
Evil Sidekick: "Um, Mr. Overlord, sir? Maybe we should go and get that
red jewel removed from your forehead? The hero is coming today."
Overlord Master: "Pah! He won't think to hit the jewel!"

- Games have showed that Japanese animators live in a world where people
have blue hair, pointy ears, and speak in squeaky voices.

- We've learned that people don't mind having sword-waving maniacs run
into their house as long as they're sword-waving heros.

- Eating a ham roast or piece of pie helps heal the damage caused by
gunshots or falling off of a cliff.

- Electronic fishing is even duller than real fishing.

- Heros can only carry 9999 units of the regional currency at one time.

- Fire 2 is, naturally, a better spell than Fire 1 because the number is
higher. This also proves that wizards aren't particularly creative
spell-namers.

- Most games show that video game music writers are on some serious drugs.

- A town is only allowed to sell slightly better equipment that the
previous one, and, of course, at a slightly higher price.

- Leaving a general area and returning is more than enough time for the
monsters you killed to come back to life and resume their original positions.

- Eating mushrooms is good if you're a plumber, but otherwise, they're
probably poisonous.

- An item made of gold is far superior to an identical item made of
steel, even though reality dictates that a golden sword would be about as
effective as a breadstick in real-life combat.

- The Ice Beast of the Frozen Caves will, naturally, keep the Sword of
Eternal Flame in his cave so the hero can find it easier.

Add your own, kids!
- Morgan -

ecent.