Internet Rant - Part 5

April 8, 1997

By Morgan Carlson

Ahh.... it's always good to get back to my roots.... the Internet has
been a vast mine of material for my group letters.
Today, I bring to you a sudden epiphany I had today:

- Everyone in Internet chat rooms is a guy

It just hit me today. Well, there are girls, but once they got
bombarded by clumsy come-ons from horny teenage guys and lonely
middle-agers, they leave and go back to real life. They get clumsy
come-ons there, too, but at least you can shoot people in real life.
"Yo, babes, wanna ride this hot little....."
"Fucking slimeball! Eat lead!" BLAM!!! BLAM!!
"Hey, your gun says no, but your eyes say yes!"
Well, I guess my pals Lisa and Jenny are exceptions. But I've never
met them - they COULD be guys playing a little sex-change fantasy. They
could be kinky men. They could be writing angry responses to me right
this very minute.
This changes everything. Any cybersex you guys have had is taking on a
whole new scope, huh?
"And then I take off your underwear in one tug...."
"Ow... that really hurt my very male and erect penis."
"Huh?"
"I said... oooh, baby, that feels good. I'm feeling very womanly and,
um, female."
"Wow... you're hot!"
Besides, haven't you noticed that all women on the web claim to be
goddesses?
"Well, people usually confuse me for Claudia Schiffer, but I'm more of
a Cindy Crawford. Unless you like Pamela Anderson. In that case, I look
like her."
"Woah! Kick ass!"
Women don't lie about that stuff - women only lie about being uglier
than they really are. Most women will gladly say their thighs are too
big, or their feet are too big, or their hair is too frizzy.... etc.
Naturally, they look just fine, but you can't tell them that. So it must
be men.
Men have discovered that they'll never get cybersex cause they're just
too goofy with women. So, it's simple - become a woman and go the
lesbian route. Sure, guys who go the lesbian route just end up having
lesbian sex with other guys, but they don't know the difference. It must
be funny, though.
"And then I.... um... what's a G-spot?"
"I dunno, baby... would you rather my breasts 'heaved' or 'jiggled?'"
"This is weird."
"Oh, Math Club was right. This would never work!"
I've actually made a female alias in my favorite chatroom which I created.
Slapped some obscure supermodel's picture in my member page, then activated
the name and let her float out in the chat area. Checked back on her a while
later, and she had already gotten 17 messages. The hormones are out
there, people. The messages were so crude and awful, it was scary. I
never had the heart to respond.
So, to you few remaining women out there in the cyberkingdom, I feel
your pain. I may be too meek and nerdy to try to get pimp-daddy on you,
but I'm an exception.
Me - "Hey, baby... my glasses are fogged up just thinking about you!"
"Wow.... how... unique. I'm Pete, er, I mean, Vicki."
Later, kids.
- Morgan -

ecent.