Sex And The Single Geek #3

April 2, 1997

By Morgan Carlson

(If you're wondering where #2 went, well, it just got erased when the
storm caused my computer to shut down. I was in mid-story and it just
went 'fizz.' Sigh.)

I just realized something - I went about giving my guide to sex but
gave little information as to how to secure a willing female. Finding a
girl is easy for most guys, but we nerds need a little helping hand in
such pursuits. Thus, the never-fail method of: the pick-up line.
Quality pick-up lines include:

"Greetings, Earth female. I am from space and must breed to survive."
"Hi, I'm captain of the Olympic lovemaking team and we're holding tryouts
tonight. You owe it to your country!!! U-S-A! U-S-A!"
"Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"

Now that the woman is swooning into your keyboard-exercised arms, it's
time to 'get her in the mood.' Alcohol works, but it gets pricey to get
the quality stuff, and frankly, a woman with breath that smells like a
men's softball team is a bit of a turn-off. Heroin eliminates the smell
problem, but excess smack can result in death, and a dead woman is rarely
better in bed than a live one:
"How's this feel, baby?"
"........"
"Do you like this?"
"........"
"Honey, is something wrong?"
"........"
"Er, baby, do you have any sisters.... that are more... um... breathing?"

So necrophilia is out (except as a last resort). Actually, corpse
dates are pretty cool. They don't ask for gifts, they never resist your
lame sexual advances, and you can be as kinky as you like with them. And
if the whole 'rotting, disappearing flesh' thing turns you off, remember
this: they don't call it 'boning' a girl for nothing.
Now, you're walking home with a (living) girl on your arm. You're a
few minutes away from some carnal gymnastics - what to do? Well, learn
about your lover. Some interesting things to ask her about are:
- Her name
- Her criminal record
- Any crippling venereal diseases she might have
- Whether or not she's alive

Now that you've bonded, it's time for love. Remember what I taught
you, and always be safe. Unless you're never gonna see her again. Then
you can knock her up. The baby's her problem, not yours.
- Morgan -

ecent.