Sex And The Single Geek

April 1, 1997

By Morgan Carlson

As you all well know, I write this list both to entertain AND educate.
I hope that you readers come away from the computer feeling a little more
knowledgeable and chock full of juicy wisdom. It is in this light that I
will now tackle the issue of sex - in a completely academic and
non-exploitative manner. Nothing 'kinky' or anything like that. Alright,
Benny, send in the llamas!!
I should be up front and confess I have absolutely no experience with
sex whatsoever. The geek lifestyle, with its heavy diet of bad clothes,
excessive computing, and shoddy social skills, really doesn't allow for a
whole lot of 'female contact', so to speak. Most Long Island girls would
rather drive an American car than date a nerd. And even if a geek
manages to land a girlfriend, neither he nor she has a body that either
would like to see naked.
Not that I'm sexually unaware or anything. I've seen some very
educational videos on the subject, including 'What Bill and Betty Did',
'Flesh Gordon', 'Flesh Gordon 2 - Flesh Gordon Versus The Cosmic
Cheerleaders', 'The Beaverly Hillbillies', and.... well, you get the
point.
There are two types of sex: regular sex and kinky sex. It's easy to
tell which is which.

Characteristics of Regular Sex:
- seen on basic cable
- performed by couples who have been together a while who don't need to
be good anymore but still have to quell their urges
- involves people yelling out their partner's names, or, for some very
bizarre reason, exclamations to God (is this the sort of thing you want
your God to be brought to attention about?)

Characteristics of Kinky sex:
- seen on the Internet
- performed by women named 'Davina' and can sometimes involve major
appliances and live chickens
- involves people yelling out brownie recipes due to the utter confusion
caused by the scent of most body lubricants

Exciting, kinky sex can usually be cured by what we sexologists call
'commitment.'
Now, when one has sex, certain precautions are required. Although most
people will speak praises of latex, the pill, and abstinence, these are
unreliable at best. More proven methods of contraception are:
- plastic bags, especially Ziploc ('yellow and blue make green' - beats
'ribbed for her pleasure' anyday)
- sex standing up - surefire way to prevent pregnancy
- ummm..... I forget what you call it.... you know, when the guy pulls
out when he's climaxing and he spews all over the bedsheet.... umm....
well, whatever it's called, it works

Now that you're ready and safe, it's time to - in the immortal words of
2 Live Crew - 'get busy.' If you want to have sex that you remember for
years to come (ha ha - the nerd said 'come'), romance is key. Actually,
guys will fuck a lounge chair if it's the right color; but you whiny
girls always want it to be 'special.' So guys, here's some tips to get
your lady in the mood:
- call her 'bitch' or 'skank'; feeling dirty always makes a woman horny
- leaving your socks and shoes on shows a woman that you're 'rugged'
- smoking during sex adds an erotic, smoky flair to your lovemaking
- yelling 'who's your daddy!' never gets tiresome
- screaming another woman's name during orgasm adds a kinky, 'threesome'
edge

I was gonna add a step-by-step instructional paragraph here on
intercourse, but I feel dirty enough already. Besides, it's really
fairly simple. (If you're still in the dark, write an E-mail to Carrie,
who has more than her fair share of experience on the subject and has
'taught' most of Hofstra everything they know on sex. Wink wink.)
Alright, folks, have fun.
- Morgan -

ecent.