See, what I don't get is...

March 18, 1997

By Morgan Carlson

I have recently undergone some personality changes in my life to
perhaps help focus some of my excess bitterness. Not rid myself of it;
just harness it for good use. Harnessing one's inner anger is what
seperates the great satirists from the crazed postal workers.
For starters, I'm no longer going to shit on stuff that's popular just
because I don't like it. I'm simply going to say: "If it makes you
happy, and doesn't hurt anyone else, go nuts." For instance:

Those Poofy Jackets - You know, they're usually really shiny, and the
person wearing them kinda looks like the Michelin Man? Well, tons of
people around here have them. But it's cool. If it comforts you, go
nuts. Personally, though, I'd probably expand my jacket horizons except
that my mother still picks out my clothes.

Cellular Phones - Alright, these I do hate, because they CAN hurt
people. If I see one more person yammering on their cell phone while
zooming along in their sports car, I'm gonna follow them home and make
Paul Reiser explain the AT&T One Rate plan to them. I know that it's
absolutely essential that you be on call 24 hours a day, but can't we
wait until we're not driving wildly in a speeding vehicle before telling
Monica about your new shoes?

Scandal Fans - You know who you are - people who absolutely must know
about Clinton's latest mishap or what Pamela Anderson bought at the
grocery store. But if this fascinates you - more power to you. But I
should make a simple statement. More people on this list probably know
who Monica Lewinsky is than Marilyn Vos Savant. The answer?
Marilyn - The world's smartest person (as far as we know). An admirable
lady and a cool role model, too.
Monica - Earned her fame by (allegedly) polishing the 'executive
branch.' Not exactly a role model.

Music - Most popular music confounds me. Stuff like Celine Dion, the
Spice Girls, Usher, Puff Daddy..... I just don't get it. But if people
like it so much, it must be a positive thing. Funny thing is, when I ask
people why these groups are so popular, most replies sound like: "Oh,
you know, people like stuff that sounds familiar." I don't understand
that, either. But I'm trying. Besides, if all the semi-popular or
no-name bands that I like it ever hit it big, they wouldn't be as much
fun, anyway. So please, MmmBop all you like. All I have to do it change
the dial.

Designer Brand Clothes - From Hilfiger to Nike, kids sure love to wear
the latest fad. But it's cool - it helps the other people stand out.
But I dress like a flood victim for my own reasons - as Dennis Miller
once said, "This year's fashion fad is just gonna end up as a nostalgic
Halloween costume in a decade or two."

So kids, you've got a more mature, open-minded Morgan on your hands. So
wash before you eat, okay?
- Morgan -

ecent.