Labels

March 4, 1997

By Morgan Carlson

We college kids; heck, humans in general love to label stuff. And I
don't just mean putting those sticky lettering tags on stuff, although
that is a good time. I'm talking about labelling people, you know,
calling someone a "jock" or a "smut fiend." And, not wanting to be left
out, let me add some of my own:

Button Master - The person that, whenever he or she gets on the
elevator, must stand right in front of the button panel and work the
'Door Close' button like he was getting paid for it. This person has
mastered the art of hitting the button the instant a person gets both
feet into the elevator. Rumor has it that Button Masters are now
petitioning to get 'Door Close' buttons installed into their foreheads to
show the dedication to their craft.

The Gatekeeper - Somewhat related to the Button Master, the Gatekeeper
is the person who stands directly in front of the closed elevator door to
ensure he or she is the first to exit the elevator. These people
practically attach themselves to the fucking door. Heaven knows you
don't want to be the third or fourth to leave the elevator; those sorts
of people tend to get the less desirable females in the pack.

Product Prince - Princesses of this kind are possible, but I've never
seen one. You know who I'm talking about - those guys who insist in
being covered head to toe with designer clothes; hell, it's usually the
same brand. The logic is: "Hmm.... a Hilfiger sweater seems to boost
one's social status. Well, if I wear five times as much Hilfiger shit,
then my status will be boosted five times as much!" The Surgeon General
recommends not looking at these sorts of people directly.
"So..... much..... Nautica......vision blurring.... world.... turning
into a giant MTV commerical....."
"Dude, don't look! It may take on other forms!!!!"

Captain Card - The guy who bitches and moans endlessly when the I.D.
checker in the dormitories wants to take their I.D. card, as school
policy dictates. The amount of time the person wastes (both his and the
booth worker's) in his melodramatic whining is always greater than the
time he would have spent simply handing over the fucking card. No one
knows how these people propogate, however; almost all Captain Cards are
shot by policeman when they refuse to hand over their liscences.

Tree Killer - The fuckhead who intentionally prints before reading over
what he wrote, as he has personal beliefs which forbid him from doing
corrections while reading a monitor and would rather print four versions
of a paper, three of which will be tossed in the garbage. (Tree Killers
personal beliefs also forbid recycling, and refer to it as 'the Devil's
work.')

Add your own, kids! Labelling is much easier than getting to know
people! And cheaper, too! :)
- Morgan -

ecent.