Too Much Bass.... And Not The Fish

March 1, 1997

By Morgan Carlson

Well, anyone who has spent any time in 1405 Enterprise Hall knows of
our neighbors in the female triple next door. There is a bit of strife
between us, a clash of lifestyles, if you will. They are the
bass-blasting, Puff Daddy-loving, beer-guzzling, non-studying sort,
whereas Allan and I are the computer-using, Weezer-listening,
studying-out-of-guilt sort. I have nothing against their idea of fun,
but when their idea of fun involves blasting loud music and screaming
well past three in the morning, something has to give.
For a while, all we had to do was call Public Safety, who would hustle
on over and shut them up for the night. But last night, they had a
simple but profound revelation:
"Hmmm.... all they ever do is warn us and leave. We could just party
again after they left." And so they did. At 6 in the morning, the party
was still going, even after I called Public Safety for the second time.
Sigh.... apparently, Public Safety's little pussy slap-on-the-wrist
warnings aren't enough. Kids, it's time for action.
I remember one time when three guys, dressed in little hoody gear, came
and banged on my door. Considering their angry banging and shouting, I
don't think they were coming to borrow a Bjork CD. I have no proof our
neighbors sent them over, but why else would they come? I didn't open
the door, for two reasons:
1) I'm a piece of Kentucky Fried Chickenshit
2) I was in bed and thusly, wearing only boxers
Imagine that conversation?
Me - "Uh, hello?"
Thug - "Well, we were gonna beat you up, but put some clothes on first."
Me - "Alright.... but I can wear dirty clothes I don't mind getting
blood on?"
Thug - "Yeah, whatever. And you better bring that Bjork shit, too."
Well, Matt is bringing his huge stereo shit and DJ stuff next year, but
I don't think we should sit idly by waiting. Everybody gets a duty to
help combat ghetto girl rudeness! Who's in?
Rachel drives our gang-banger car, Lisa makes the cocktail bombs, Allan
is our head paratrooper, Kristen will simply be known as 'Chainsaw
Princess', Tara works the hand-to-hand shit, Chris works on the inside
down in Public Safety, Jeanine is demolitions, Matt is espionage, and, um
everyone else just breaks shit. I'll write the shady proganda, complete
with factual omissions and shameless soapboxing.
THOSE BITCHES IN THE TRIPLE - They killed your mother!
Alright, it's war, so do your duty, soldier. Or at least leave them
some crank phone calls.
- Morgan -

ecent.