Don't Touch That Dial...

Feburary 22, 1997

By Morgan Carlson

We, as you all know, live in a television culture. This is definitely
a sign that mankind is, finally, losing the art of evolution. For example:
Number of Pauly Shores before TV - 0
Number of Pauly Shores since TV - 1
And the scariest thing is, despite the fact that he is a talentless
goober, you KNOW WHO HE IS. Do you know who Roman Herzog is? Of course
not. He's the President of Germany - one of the most powerful,
industrious nations in the world. But of course you haven't heard of
him. He was never on MTV, after all.
Are you getting the point of all this? Woops.... losing your
television-drained attention span.... alright, try this. I will bet that
more people on this list watched 'Friends' last week than went to the
library and got a book to read for pleasure. If this sounds familiar....
That Girl On Friends: "Wow, I sure look attractive in my trendy clothes,
huh?"
That Guy On Friends: "Well, I better retort with a witty zinger, based
on popular culture and written by a twenty-something white guy with a
degree in Drinking Coffee And Wearing Sweaters."
The Dumb Character: "Huh?" (Crowd laughs like the trained seals they are.)
Also.... anybody here watch Hard Copy (or any of those sorts of shows)?
Raise your hand? Okay, everyone with their hand raised go kill
yourself. Please. It's a testament to the Constitution of the U.S. that
you people are allowed to vote. Shit, it's amazing you can even dress
yourself.
"Next, on Hard Copy. Pamela Anderson has a new hairstyle - stay tuned
for details!"
Yokel: "Well, I hate to tape over this Pig Wrestling Tournament, but...."
What is the point of all this? Simple. There are two well-understood
facts about Hofstra:
1) One's make-up must be checked every available moment, especially in
the cafeteria line and while making copies in the library. God forbid
you should let some natural skin show and have some frat boy see it.
2) We, as a school with a kick-butt communications department, have four
televison channels which, surprisingly, never have anything on them.
Let's focus on number two, since it's the only one I can profit off of
at the moment. I will become a television producer and take over Hofstra
television. Sure, I have no budget, and my shows will basically be me
and my friends sitting around. But people will watch them. Why, you
might ask? Because it's on. Let's face it, people are too lazy to
enrich themselves. They'll watch my crappy shows because it's easier
than reading. They'll sit through my commercials because they can't find
the remote. They'll sit there like the zombies they are, rocking back
and forth and drooling on themselves in American fashion.
Since they're only college stations, our advertisers will be pretty
ghetto, but it'll be money none the less.
"Shop at Dave's Hubcaps! We'll have the exact hubcaps to match the
ones on your car! Because we stole them from your car after you parked
it! Shop Daves! We're armed!"
"Big B's Burger Bucket! The B is for Botulism!"
"The Source Store. You need body parts? We got 'em!"
Naturally, the advertising income and low budgets add up to mad cash
for me. Hofstra might get angry, but give them a cut and I'm sure we'll
come to an arrangement. If you doubt Hofstra's ability to be bought, let
me remind you that this is a school which will happily charge its
students six dollars for a box of Cocoa Puffs.
Alright, send in those ideas for shows, and I'll get cracking on taking
over Hofstra TV. It begins. :)
- Morgan -

ecent.