All Aboard The Censor Ship

Feburary 21, 1997

By Morgan Carlson

Right now (which, if you read the letter heading, is four in the
morning - sleep is for pussies, that's the Hofstra motto) I'm watching
Aliens on regular TV. So, naturally, all the fun swearing and alien
terror is horribly censored. However, Aliens doesn't suffer too bad; at
least the cool story and acting can carry it through.
But when you're watching TV at this hour, you usually don't get
Aliens. You know what's on - movies like Biker Bikini Babes and Naked
Martian Bitches 4. Now, these get censored too, and this involves
removing all the shameless nudity. Now, believe it or not, Car Wash
Sluts kinda relies on shameless nudity to fill the time. What was once a
two-hour movie, after editing, becomes a choppy, 37-minute nightmare.
And lets face it - a slasher movie without violence or nudity ends up
being a six-minute short.
Television executives are worrying that non-creativeness and the
Internet are slowly crippling TV's power.... are you seeing a way to
solve two problems at once? The Internet's growth can basically be
traced to nudity.... if television just gave in and dropped censorship,
television would resume kicking the Web's ass.
Oh sure, you religious Bible-thumping conservative pants-wearing
motherfuckers think it will corrupt your children. Oh sure, definitely,
seeing nudity will create a nation of junkies and serial killers. I'm
pretty sure Charles Manson traced his desire to kill from Playboy
magazine. You can keep the slasher movies off TV.... not because they
corrupt people, just because they remind me that people actually paid to
see those in the theater. Keep most channels pure, but let USA and its
ilk let loose the smut.
Think of this group list.... I enjoy a nice onscenity now and then.
But I don't offend anyone or slander - you guys know I'm just playing
around. Questionable material just has to be catered to the right
audience. For example, I've written to two famous people - Fiona Apple
and Rza (Wu-Tang's leader-type guy). With the Rza, phrases like
'radio-ass motherfucker' flew nice and free.... and I've never heard a
guy find so many euphemisms for female anatomy. But with Fiona, I
naturally watched my language.... okay, that's a lie, but pretend I did
so the analogy works. Alright, the point is - offer people the choice
of clean and dirty channels like the Constitution wanted us to.
Keep Disney and those other cheeseball channels for the tykes, and let them
watch the smut channels at the appropriate time (when their parents go to
bed).
I know what you're thinking.... "Morgan, you're so full of shit. You
don't really even like smut, and you don't watch TV." Why do I want
nudity on TV, then? Let's just say it's my next get-rich quick
scheme.... TV producer!!!! I'll explain tomorrow. :)
- Morgan -

ecent.