Really Cool Jobs

Feburary 16, 1997

By Morgan Carlson

It hit me today - my job is pretty crummy. I mean, the minimum wage
thing isn't the only factor; let's face it, telling people how to send
E-mail isn't very spiritually fulfilling. So where are the good jobs?
Here are some jobs I'd LOVE to do.

- Bob Ross' old director: Bob Ross (the afroed artist of 'Joy of
Painting' fame) had to have been the coolest guy ever. So imagine
directing him!
Me - "Um, Bob, you've been a little lax in the 'happy little trees'
department. And could you say 'fluffy' a little more today?
Bob - "Bless your heart, Morgan. Hey, could you get this squirrel out
of my hair? I lost a nut in there and the little fella went after it."
Me - "Um, Bob, that's a badger."
Bob - "That crazy rascal."
(By the way, you Hofstra kids can catch Bob Ross in syndication on
Channel 21 at 2:30.)

- Poppa Wu, the Wu-Tang's spiritual advisor: Another great job - run
around the country with the Wu-Tang and all you have to do is speak Bible
gibberish. Imagine preaching about loving your woman and the evils of
alcohol and weed, right before Ol' Dirty hits the stage, high as a fuck
and saying 'bitch' as every other word. The music! The hypocrisy! The
shameless sacrilege!
Me - "Women are our other half! Booze is the tool of the devil!"
Rza - "Do you ever shut up?"
Me - "Hey, when do I get 'bitches?' And what the hell does 'keeping it
real' mean?"
Genius - "Yo, I like the older, quieter Poppa Wu better."
Me - "And when do I get a real Bible? Method Man drew moustaches on
the Virgin Mary in mine."
U-God - "Yo, can I shoot him?"
Rza - "Not until we're backstage."

- The guy that washes the peep show booth windows after the
customers.... well, you know...... how do I put this nicely.... er,
'ejaculate all over it.' Actually, this is probably the most horrible
job in the world, but wouldn't it be funny just to say you were 'that
guy?'
"So, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm 'that guy'."
"Shit. Do you get a mop?"
"Not unti my first promotion."

- Pimp: I don't mean the real-life pimp lifestyle; that's some tragic
and foul shit. I mean seventies-style pimp - platform aquarium shoes,
purple suit, feathered hat, and so much jewelry Mr. T nods in approval.
Master the walk, and you're talking dream job....
Me - "Yo, baby, you lookin' fiiiiine this evenin'."
'Ho' - "You kiss your momma with that mouth?"
Me - "Hmm.... I musta heard wrong. Seems like some girl in this
mothafucka is lookin' to get bitch-slapped."
'Ho' - "Shit, bitch. I'll slap yo fairy purple-wearin' ass first."
Me - "Baby - I like your style."

Well, add your suggestions please. :)
- Morgan -

ecent.