The Olympics

Feburary 12, 1997

By Morgan Carlson

It has recently been brought to my attention that the Olympics have
already started. These Olympics have been remarkably bomb-free and
haven't sported the usual figure-skating thuggery, so there hasn't been
much publicity. Think I'm being a cynical asshole? Well, look at these
statistics I completely made up:
NETWORK TIME COVERAGE GIVEN TO MEDAL EVENTS: 17%
NETWORK TIME COVERAGE GIVEN TO THE POT-SMOKING SNOWBOARD SCANDAL: 83%
It must be the Olympics that has turned snowboarders to weed.... I
mean, who ever heard of snowboarders doing drugs?
The Olympics always kinda bugged me. First of all, the whole
figure-skating thing is beyond me. If I wanted to watch a bunch of
anoxeric little girls falling over each other, I'd go check out a Green
Day mosh pit. It's really hard for me to celebrate someone who spends
all of their young lives for a five-minute program. One fall, and your
childhood was wasted. Speaking of wasted, I wonder how Oksana Baiul's AA
meetings are going.
And all the cool events, like curling and the luge, are never shown.
The networks would rather show you some cheese-ball announcers sitting in
a fake living room set, talking about Picabo Street's favorite brand of
shoe polish. Who wrote CBS saying: "Please, we really need more Scott
Hamilton on prime-time TV." And curses to any of the long line of
ridiculous and drug-fueled Olympic mascots.
So, you're probably thinking: "Gee, Morgan, how bold of you to deride
the Olympics but not provide any suggestions for improvement." Well, you
little assholes, I'm already on the case.

- Add an Ultimte Fighting event. Imagine that?
"Well, fans, welcome to the chainsaw part of the competetion. The
Mangler is certainly earning his nickname today, Bill."
"You bet, Marty..... oh no, he just lost an arm. That's gonna cost him
the gold."
"Wow! Crazy Karlov wins the bronze medal.... shame he no longer has a
head to hang it over."

- Give the ski athletes machine guns, and have them all go down the hill
together and shoot at each other, like in that James Bond movie.

- Throw all the male figure skaters in a boxing ring and throw a major
catfight.
"Referee, he pulled my hair!"
"Shut up, bitch!"

- Two words - naked bobsled.

- Bring back steroids so the races don't take as long.
"Well, Michael Johnson just finished in under..... four seconds. I
think his heart exploded, Marty."
"The Chinese judges aren't gonna like that."

Later......
- Morgan -

ecent.