The Internet Part III...I Think

The Internet Part III...I think

November 2, 1997

By Morgan Carlson

With computers as popular as they are and the Hofstra network crashing
like a Jamaican bobsled, it seems high time for me to once again touch on
my favorite topic, the internet. Yup, with Hofstra's bumbling ACC
workforce of untrained computer nerds (including Ed, and, um, me) too
busy dating hot sorority girls to fix the HofstraNet, hundreds of Hofstra
students have been unable to look at the latest Puff Daddy websites.
"Oooh, look, this one has him in his shiny green pants."
Still, hardcore web fans like me will gladly wait through the loading
times, knowing that the results (namely, South Park sound clips and
carpal tunnel syndrome) will further the course of human technology.
Here, my friends, are the highlights of my websurfing this evening......

- The Natalie Portman Countdown to Legality:
In my never-ending quest for worthless sound files, I decided I wanted
the speech Jack Nicholson gives before the aliens kill him in 'Mars
Attacks.' As I looked over my results for my search on 'mars attacks',
one of the results was the Natalie Portman Countdown to Legality.
Natalie Portman, the First Daughter in 'Mars Attacks" and the ice-skating
girl in 'Beautiful Girls', is not yet of age, so this charming gentleman
decided to make a timer that counted down to the day she turns 18. I'm
having a hard time thinking of a word to describe this page. Oh, now
I've got one! Pedophile!

- The Revenge of The Nerds Shrine:
Now let me be honest for a moment - I do love this movie. But I'd
never stoop to the point of making a page that called it 'a true American
classic' that 'dealt with major social issues, such as racial harmony,
homosexuality, and being yourself.' C'mon, the movie had a guy named
Booger in it, for fuck's sake. But maybe he has a point, let me try this
'deeper meaning' thing for a second......
1) You know the scene where Lewis disguises himself as the football
player to score with that cheerleader? (No, you probably don't, you were
probably too busy going to parties and meeting people to memorize this
shit like I did.) Well, maybe it really represented the old AIDS adage
that when you sleep with someone, you're sleeping with all their old
partners and therefore don't really know who you're going to bed with.
Safe sex - it's every nerd's responsibility! Of course, we all know how
a nerd ensures disease-free sex - he washes his hands. He he he.... I
love masturbation humor....um, what was I talking about? Fuck it, let's
turn to ......

- The Send Us Your Shit Page:
This is a page in which two guys - presumably unemployed - ask you to
'send them your shit.' I am not kidding, these guys will take whatever
you can give them. Empty boxes, old magazines, whatever, as long as it's
free. I think that if this page and that Natalie Portman countdown page
mated and had a kid, it would be American society.

- Wu on the Web - Shaolin Style:
On this page, Ol' Dirty Bastard is described as 'an artist whose
musical genius will not be understood in our time.' Be afraid, be very
afraid.

- Morgan -

ecent.