Okay. I'm Writing Now, Honest...

Janurary 30, 1997

By Morgan Carlson

Due to certain unavoidable circumstances (such as stuff that was more
fun), I've been a little behind on my mail route. Still I promise to
improve service in the near future..... unless I get some new computer
games or something. Or I stop skipping class.
Oh yeah.... let's also welcome our new friend to the list, Mr. Fowler
from GMU. (Wherever the fuck that is.) Oh yeah man, by the way, I'll be
sending you that 'stuff' you asked for soon..... you know, the 'wink
wink'. You got me man? You know, the 'hardcore pornography?' Let's
keep this on the down low, okay there, you sick bastard?
Well, the big to-do for me and Allan lately has been the roommate
situation. First we had Chris, which worked out great. Then, we had Al,
which worked out rather poorly.
Al: "Hey, do you mind if I play cheesy rap music, leave around my
weightlifting magazines, lock down the room at 11, put up Puff Daddy
posters, rearrange the furniture, talk like a wannabe gangsta, and sit
around the room all day and make your friends uncomfortable?
Us: "So, when are you moving out?"
Actually, he was an okay guy, but it's definitely more of a home with
just me and Allan. Still, Hofstra will no doubt have the gall to fill
the empty spot in our room, despite our wishes. If anyone has any
suggestions for a roomie, send them in. (Oh man, I can't wait to get
your wise-ass suggestions for this.)
Well, today's topic is scholarships.... my family, apparently
unconcerned with my future, didn't have $100,000 lying around to pay for
my education. So, I was forced to walk all the way over to my computer
and join an on-line scholarship service. It sounded simple..... enter
some information, click some buttons, and the money would be rolling in.
So, I hopped to the information area and started telling stuff about
myself. It was the scariest moment of my life. (Except of course for
the Nazi Cheerleader incident in my room at orientation... most of you
know the story, but for those that don't, let me just say this:
potential ogre sex and a knife collection.) They wanted to know
everything..... income, clubs, SAT records, bowling scores. Shit, I'm
gonna be pissed off if I lose the Young Journalist's Award to some
duckpin bowling maniac in Yugoslavia.
But I was far from done..... there were roughly 2 billion hobbies in
the list to choose from. How many fucking ham radio scholarships can
there be out there? (If you think I'm kidding, ham radio operation was
one of the hobbies. I'm serious.) And for all you Math Addict club
members out there, they haven't forgotten you. Shit, they should give
cash to any kid who admits to being a Math Addict member.
Allan: "Morgan, they give pity money to anyone who clicks on the Math
Addict box. Free cash!"
Morgan: "Can't.... click..... dignity.... fighting my finger....."
Oh, and if you ever join one of these evil little services, make sure
you have all of your pertinent information on hand. Around page 18, my
brother's dating history came into question, and page 29 was the "How's
Your Posture" section. Around page 45, when they asked what my favorite
derogatory racial terms were, I bailed out and went back to the true
purpose of the World Wide Web - going to the 'CD NOW' chatroom, getting
someone's username, and ordering 50 Air Supply CDs to their account.
So, I needed a new way to get money from the government. Kidnapping is
getting stale, and Chelsea Clinton keeps rejecting my marriage proposals.
(Probably 'cause most of the proposals used the term: "your dad's money.")
Then it hit me - run for office! Why be a criminal when I can be a crook
legally? While you chumps are getting an education, I'll be extorting
cold hard cash from naive lobbyists.
Lobby Guy - "So, with this cash settlement, you'll vote for our cause,
right? Wink wink? Bribe bribe?"
Morgan - "Shut up. I can barely fuck my underaged secretary with all
your talking."
That's the good life. But who will vote for me, you ask? Hell, I've
got all of your support, mailing list gang. Considering voter turnout
these days, that should be more than enough to get me in. Which sounds
better - Senator or President Carlson? Ehhh, Presidents take a lot of
shit, whereas there are too many senators to catch all their misdoings.
Senator it is.....
Vote Morgan Carlson - He's The One That Didn't Sleep With Your Daughter!
God Bless America.
- Morgan -

ecent.