Late night cable... the cure for the common class.

Janurary 21, 1998

By Morgan Carlson

I've become a double major here at Hofstra, studying both English and
journalism. It involves a whole lot of writing essays, writing news
stories, writing projects, writing columns, writing headlines, writing
short stories..... yup, if I've picked up a true passion here at Hofstra,
it's definitely late-night cable.
C'mon, so much good shit on TV late at night. Infomercials.... obscure
talk shows..... 'Darkman 3' on HBO! Prime time television is so fucking
stale. How many times can you rework the 'Friends' formula before it
kills us all? Imagine a life without prime time - no Urkel! No Paul
Reiser! And for the love of God, no Tony 'Is he still alive?' Danza!
C'mon, Tony, it doesn't take Alyssa Milano to figure out your dopey charm
thing is gone. Just stop before somebody (probably Fred Savage or Arsenio
Hall) gets hurt.
But late-night is so bizarre and pandering it can't be all bad. C'mon,
Jay the Juiceman recently celebrated his 75th birthday by juicing roughly
a wheelbarrow full of pomegranates and running around like the crazy old
man that he is. NBC doesn't have the guts for that kind of quality
television. And that math wizard who can calculate complex calculus in
his head? Gotta love a man who chooses a role in life that ensures he
will never get laid on this planet. Spray-on hair.... Ginsu knives....
pornographic Chia Pets.... we owe so much to infomercials.
But late-night TV has more, so much more. HBO sucks during regular
hours - replaying those crappy blockbusters a million times and showing
that 'family-oriented' fairy tale shit. C'mon, I think a few threesomes
and a Prozac-addicted Tigger would make Winnie the Pooh fun again. I
mean, Eeyore's gotta be on heroin, that depressing bastard.
WINNIE - What are those funny lines in your arm, Eeyore?
EEYORE - Fuck off, you honey-scrubbing fat-ass.
But HBO in the late hours makes it worth the while. Don 'the Dragon'
Wilson! Wanna-be porn movies called 'Body Rush' or 'Caged Heat 4 - Sluts
on the Run!' Movies whose big star is named John Michenstein! I feel
sorry for the people with normal sleeping habits who will never experience
these joys.
And late-night TV comics help to show us that we really are funnier than
people on TV.
COMIC - And what about Bob Dole? He's old, huh?
GUY - You actually get PAID for this?
COMIC - They let me sleep in their camera van.
Late night TV also caters to the bizarre sexual habits of the average
late-night viewer (average viewers include bitter, angry loners and
hard-working drug dealers). Phone sex lines where ugly women showing
merchandise from 'Buppo's Discount Implants' offer their love via
1-900-WE-BLOW-U - God bless America. How about HBO's offerings of Real
Sex, Fake Sex, Sex Bytes, and Are You Masturbating Yet? The perfect thing
for those who can't download porn like the rest of us.
Yup, late-night cable is truly the college student's friend. Now, if
you'll excuse me, I've got to start watching Brian Bosworth's latest film
gem......
- Morgan -

ecent.