Modern Rock - My Least Favorite Oxymoron

Janurary 10, 1997

By Morgan Carlson

So I'm sitting here in my bed, listening to my radio, which is tuned to our
local modern rock station. As I type away, suddenly the song 'Brian
Wilson' by the Barenaked Ladies comes on. I sing along happily for a few
minutes, until I realize something - I sang along to this song when it
came out, about five fucking years ago. The term 'modern' in modern rock
is apparently very flexible. So, apparently, is the term 'rock.' Yes,
sports fans, modern rock is having some very dark, dreary, Green Days.
Remember the glory days of modern rock? Ahhh, the early nineties, when
Nirvana, R.E.M., Smashing Pumpkins, and all the others hit the scene.
Since they were too ugly and poorly dressed for MTV, they remained kinda
secret, at least for a while. But as fortune would have it, the Pearl
Jams and Liz Phairs of the world became famously non-famous, and soon
every Stone Temple Pilot and their sister were biting their styles and
flooding the radios with guitar wails and moody vocals. Yup, modern rock
has shattered into pieces, and all the pointless Jane's Addiction
reunions can't put it back together again.
Just listen to the radio and see. For every time you hear a
song by an innovative artist like Bjork or Beck, you have to listen to
Matchbox fucking 20 or Chumbawumbathumpagoogumva (or something like that)
six thousand times. Tubthumping my ass - you guys don't get knocked down
enough in my opinion. Hey guys, wanna hear Alanis again? Radio
oversaturation? You ougtha konw, you Canadian screaming banshee of a
woman. And to all the people out there who keep requesting Third Eye Blind,
please, stop sleeping with your sisters, I beg you.
I remember when modern rock was a haven from the banal drivel of pop radio,
a place to turn when the Mariah Careys and Boys II Mens of the world got
you down. Now, pop radio and modern rock radio are interchanagble. If
you don't think so, just compare the playlists of a pop and rock
station. And if you still don't believe me, consider this thought - Dave
Grohl and Puff Daddy collaborated on a song together. Yeah, Puff Daddy,
I hate you too. I'm sure you miss B.I.G. greatly - it's getting harder
and harder to milk a dead cow, huh?
So to all the Tonics, Hooties, Green Days, Wallflowers, and other
cookie cutter alterna-rock bands, shut the hell up and give us back our
modern rock. People from the sixties and seventies found pride in the
music of their times, why can't we? I for one am turning off my radio,
and there's a price on the head of Gwen Stefani. Fuck you, modern rock,
and the MTV you rode in on.
- Morgan -

ecent.