The cheese shop sketch

(Monty Python)

The Cheese Shop Sketch 


(a customer walks in the door.) 

Customer: Good Morning. 
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium! 
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man. 
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir? 
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon 
Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by 
Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish. 
O: Peckish, sir? 
C: Esuriant. 
O: Eh? 
C: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike! 
O: Ah, hungry! 
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little 
fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my 
Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated 
your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of 
some cheesy comestibles! 
O: Come again? 
C: I want to buy some cheese. 
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player! 
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all 
manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse! 
O: Sorry? 
C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too! 
O: So he can go on playing, can he? 
C: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man. 
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like? 
C: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester. 
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir. 
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit? 
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, 
we get it fresh on Monday. 
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please. 
O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. 
Was expecting it this morning. 
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese? 
O: Sorry, sir. 
C: Red Windsor? 
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down. 
C: Ah. Stilton? 
O: Sorry. 
C: Ementhal? Gruyere? 
O: No. 
C: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance. 
O: No. 
C: Lipta? 
O: No. 
C: Lancashire? 
O: No. 
C: White Stilton? 
O: No. 
C: Danish Brew? 
O: No. 
C: Double Gloucester? 
O: No. 
C: Cheshire? 
O: No. 
C: Dorset Bluveny? 
O: No. 
C: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, 
Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu,Bruson? 
O: No. 
C: Camembert, perhaps? 
O: Ah! We have Camembert, yessir. 
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent. 
O: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny... 
C: Oh, I like it runny. 
O: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir. 
C: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah! 
O: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir. 
C: I don't care how fucking runny it is. 
Hand it over with all speed. 
O: Oooooooooohhh........! 
C: What now? 
O: The cat's eaten it. 
C: Has he. 
O: She, sir. 
(pause) 
C: Gouda? 
O: No. 
C: Edam? 
O: No. 
C: Case Ness? 
O: No. 
C: Smoked Austrian? 
O: No. 
C: Japanese Sage Derby? 
O: No, sir. 
C: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you? 
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got- 
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess. 
O: Fair enough. 
C: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale. 
O: Yes? 
C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that! 
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. 
Mister Wensleydale, that's my name. 

(pause) 

C: Greek Feta? 
O: Uh, not as such. 
C: Uuh, Gorgonzola? 
O: no 
C: Parmesan, 
O: no 
C: Mozarella, 
O: no 
C: Paper Cramer, 
O: no 
C: Danish Bimbo, 
O: no 
C: Czech sheep's milk, 
O: no 
C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese? 
O: Not *today*, sir, no. 
(pause) 
C: Aah, how about Cheddar? 
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir. 
C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world! 
O: Not 'round here, sir. 
C: and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah? 
O: 'Illchester, sir. 
C: IS it. 
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor squire. 
C: Is it. 
O: It's our number one best seller, sir! 
C: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh? 
O: Right, sir. 
C: All right. Okay. 
"Have you got any?" He asked, expecting the answer 'no'. 
O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. 
C: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it? 
O: Finest in the district! 
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please. 
O: Well, it's so clean, sir! 
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.... 
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir. 
C: Would it be worth it? 
O: Could be.... 
C: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF! 
O: Told you sir... 
C: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger? 
O: No. 
C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me: 
O: Yessir? 
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all. 
O: Yes,sir. 
C: Really? 
(pause) 
O: No. Not really, sir. 
C: You haven't. 
O: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir. 
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you. 
O: Right-0, sir. 

The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner. 

C: What a *senseless* waste of human life. 

Funny, funny, funny

© 1997

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