Funny / Interesting English Text Collections !!

Anonymous #1

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with
 $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening it
 deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.
What would you do?   Draw out every cent, of course!!!!

Each of us has such a bank. It's name is TIME.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed
 to invest to good purpose.
It carries over no balance.  It allows no overdraft.
Each day it opens a new account for you.
Each night it burns the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.
There is no going back.
There is no drawing against the "tomorrow".
You must live in the present on today's deposits.
Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and
 success!
The clock is running.
Make the most of today.

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a 
 pre-mature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to
 meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an
 accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a
 silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment that you have!  And treasure it more because
you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time.
And remember that time waits for no one.

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is mystery
Today is a gift
That's why it's called the present!!

How to make your Asian girlfriend eternally happy

1) Be RICH.  This is important for you, but not for her.  For her
   the number 2 rule follows.

2) Spend MONEY on HER.  This is the most important thing for her,
   whether you are rich, have any money, or must lie, steal, or kill to
   do it.

3) Be TALL.  Of course you have no real control over this, but if
   you don't do it, she will secretly and forever resent you for it and
   it will come out of left field to smite you.  Preferably be about 1
   foot taller than her - not for comfort or aesthetics, but because
   you are a trophy and, as always, the bigger the better.

4) Be a MINDLESS ZOMBIE RULED BY HER.  Forget what you've heard
   about submissive asian women.  They actually rule every relationship
   with insidious and painful, passive-aggressive, guilt-evoking,
   whiny, crying mind-control.

5) Have the EMOTIONAL STABILITY OF A 4-YEAR-OLD.  She will be
   impressed and enraptured by your delight at the sight of HelloKitty,
   stuffed animals, puppies, kitties, duckies, bunnies, as well as
   flowers, chocolates, shiny jewelry and other trinkets and
   knick-knacks.  Also, she will understand perfectly well if you pout
   over the smallest perceived slight or slip and demand to be
   appeased, assuaged, or made up to.  If you behave any other way, she 
   will never understand it.

6) Dress like a PRETTY-BOY GEEK.  This will save her the trouble
   of replacing your wardrobe and dressing you, herself.

7) Remove EVERY HAIR ON YOUR BODY EXCEPT THOSE ON YOUR SCALP.  The
   sight of a whisker on your face reminds her that somewhere inside
   you, something is trying to grow.  You must not grow - you must be
   as unchanging and constant as the firmament.

8) There are NO MORE RULES to making your asian girlfriend
   eternally happy. If any situation arises which you feel the rules
   have not addressed, you are mistaken - immediately refer to the
   primary rules #1 and #2 - they are the solution in every such case.

Anagrams

You know...rearrange the letters for a new word or phrase.

Dormitory = Dirty Room

Evangelist = Evil's Agent

Desperation = A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity = Is No Amity

Motherinlaw = Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness = Genuine Class

Semolina = Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Contradiction = Accord not in it

George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog

George Bush = He bugs Gore

Ronald Wilson Reagan = A longinsane Warlord

Ronald Reagan = A darn long era

Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Rightwinger Clone

Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer

The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty

Men and Women

MEN ARE MARVELOUS CREATURES
===============================
If you kiss him, he kisses you back
If you don't, he patiently waits
If you praise him, he says thanks you
If you don't, he feels secure in your love
If you agree to all his likes, you have met your fantasy man
If you don't, you still get along
If you visit him often, he welcomes you every time
If you don't, he'll visit you instead
If you are well dressed, he says you are beautiful
If you don't, you are still beautiful
If you are jealous, he reassures you and holds you
If you're not, he gives you no reason to be
If you attempt a romance, he sweeps you off your feet
If you don't, he'll love you from afar
If you are a minute late, he is grateful for your arrival
If he is late, he apologizes and makes it up to you
If you visit another man, he is secure that you love only him
If he is visited by another woman, you are secure that he loves only you
If you kiss him once in a while, he's appreciative of your affection
If you kiss him often, he will always have you on his mind
If he fails to help you in crossing the street, you know you're a big girl
If he does, he shows that he'll always be there for you
If you stare at another man, he knows that you're only admiring
If he is stared at by other women, you know why-he's one hot babe
If you talk, he'll always listen
If you listen, he'll tell you anything you want to know

In short:
So complex, yet so direct
So strong, yet so supportive
So dazzling, yet so humble
So passionate, yet so marvelous... .. Man

================================
WOMEN ARE COMPLEX CREATURES
================================
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So passionate, yet so wonderful... ..WOMEN!

Interesting Perspective

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear
 bright until you hear them speak?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
 tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is
 dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?  Shouldn't
 they be called builts?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what
 time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

The light went out, but where to?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
 already know you don't have?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
 expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would
 the taxi driver end up owing you money?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the
 other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss??
 It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge
 of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
 Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked
 when someone threw a gun at him?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid
 contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
 and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just
 SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
 self-help section?"  She said if she told me, it would defeat
 the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they
 all still working?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left

102 Ways to tell if you are Chinese

1.   You love to go to ?.75 movies.
2.   You love to go to ?.50 movies even more!
3.   You don't order sweet and sour pork, egg foo young, or chop suey
     at a chinese restaurant.
4.   You have a pager, even though you don't really need it.
5.   You have a really nice pager, with an alphanumeric display.
6.   You have a Ericcson or Nokia phone, even though you don't really
     need it.
7.   You hate to spend more than ? for lunch.
8.   You drive a Honda.
9.   You have custom rims on your Honda.
10.  You have a chinese knick-knack hanging on your rearview mirror.
11.  You like to eat chicken feet.
12.  You suck on fish heads and fish fins.
13.  You turn bright red after drinking 2 tablespoons of beer.
14.  You can get a buzz on Shandy, Raffles Light, or Fosters Ice.
15.  You look like you are 18.
16.  You always look up at women, if you are male.
17.  You always look up at chinese men, if you are female.
18.  You live at your parents house, and you are not claimed as a
     dependent by them.
19.  You only buy used cars.
20.  You have more than 5 remote controls in your TV room.
21.  You sing Karaoke.
22.  You have a custom stereo in your Honda with the custom rims.
23.  You entire house is covered with tile.
24.  You have those plastic walkways covering your hallway and other
     heavy foot traffic areas.
25.  You own a gun if you are male.
26.  You have plastic or some other kind of cover on your furniture.
27.  You leave the plastic on your lampshade for 10 years or more.
28.  You eat family dinners with the TV on.
29.  You love watching Connie Chung.
30.  You have an incredible amount of clutter in your house.
31.  You can't bear to throw away things.
32.  You are an engineer/medic/lawyer.
33.  Your dad washes his hair 4 times a year.
34.  You hate getting B's.
35.  Your house smells like preserved fish.
36.  Your house smells like chinese medicine.
37.  You have about 12-20 uncles and aunts.
38.  You've never kissed your mom or dad.
39.  You've never hugged your mom or dad.
40.  Your unassisted vision is worse than 20/500.
41.  You wear contacts, to avoid wearing your "coke bottle glasses".
42.  You've worn glasses since you were in fifth grade.
43.  You had a bowl cut before.
44.  You go to yard sales often.
45.  If you lose a quid, you dwell upon it for more then 5 mintues.
46.  Your parents own a restaurant or grocery store.
47   You love to "screw" the system.
48   If you are overcharged you scream bloody murder, but if you are
     undercharged, you go your merry way.
49.  Your hair sticks up when you wake up.
50.  You get a rush from getting a good deal.
51.  You'll make ridiculous offers when bargaining. ("I'll give you ?
     for that car")
52.  You'll haggle over something that is not negotiable.
53.  You love to use coupons.
54.  You drive around looking for the cheapest petrol.
55.  You add twice the recommended amount of water when making orange
     juice from concentrate.
56.  You'll squeeze a toothpaste tube down to paper thin.
57.  You take showers at night.
58.  You'll drive around for hours looking for the best parking space.
59.  You'll learn about sex from someone other then your parents.
60.  You'll be convinced your parents had sex as many times as required
     to produce you and your siblings.
61.  You've never seen your parents kiss.
62.  You've never seen your parents hug.
63.  Your grandmother lives with you and your family.
64.  Your Honda has been "lowered".
65.  You never buy stuff from the concession stands at the movies.
66.  You tip 5% or less.
67.  You never order dessert at restaurants.
68.  You always have tap-water only when dining out.
69.  You refuse to use the valet.
70.  You try not to use the bellhop, for fear of tipping.
71.  You avoid the non-free snacks in hotel rooms.
72.  You don't mind squeezing 20 people into one motel room.
73.  You want your quid back from the friend who borrowed it right away.
74.  You get the runs when you drink lots of milk.
75.  Most girls have more body hair than you if you are male.
76.  You have a great love for cameras.
77.  Sanrio means a lot to you if you are female.
78.  Your fridge stinks.
79.  Your parents don't want you to move out when you turn 18.
80.  Your parents want to live with you when they are old.
81.  You tap the table when someone pours tea for you.
82.  You point to your nose when referring to yourself.
83.  You say "Aiya!" and "Wah!" frequently.
84.  You lie about your kids' ages when going to a movie or amusement
     park.
85.  You lie about your age to get a senior citizen's discount.
86.  You don't want to wear your seatbelt because it is uncomfortable.
87.  You love Las Vegas, slot machines, and blackjack.
88.  You love to play Mahjong.
89.  You want to marry chinese.
90.  You have to read all your parents' mail written in english.
91.  You have to make phone calls for your parents to english speakers.
92.  Your parents ask you if you are home when you come home. ("Faan nei
     lah?")("Hui laai lah?")
93.  You get a knuckle in your skull if you are being punished by your
     parents.
94.  You are constantly being set up with uninteresting people by your
     parents.
95.  You always hear about how great so-and-so's son or daughter is.
96.  Your Honda has adverts for Janspeed or some other obscure exhaust
     tuning company.
97.  Your parents wish you would give 30% of your income to them.
98.  Your childhood is filled with painful memories of the long feather
     duster ("Guy Mo So")
99.  You can use the words "chink" and "chinaman" with impunity.
100. Your clothes smell like fried foods.
101. You talk at the top of your voice at all occasions.
102. You hate eating cheese.

Y-2-K compliance

Re. Year 2000 Project

I have completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. I have 
gone through every line of code in every program in every system. I 
have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and 
historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

I am proud to report that I have completed the "Y-to-K" date change 
mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all 
data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, 
Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December. As 
well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of the 
Y-to-K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a 
global problem, and my team is glad to help in any way possible.

Ode to Final Exams

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would loosen their thinking.

In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.

My roomate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes were ablur,
I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.

His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
He looked down at me,
And started to bellow:

"What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?"

"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last minute crams!"

His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night.

"Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best,
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a Good Test!"

Peanut Jar

An old man and a young man worked in office next to each 
other. The young man had noticed that the older man always 
seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man 
loved peanuts.

One day while the older man was away from his desk, the young 
man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate 
over half the peanuts.

When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and 
confessed to taking the peanuts.

The old man responded, "That's OK.  Since I lost my teeth 
all I can do is suck the chocolate off the M&Ms."

Interesting argument

"LET ME EXPLAIN THE problem science has with Jesus Christ." The 
atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then 
asks one of his new students to stand.

"You're a Christian, aren't you, son?"
"Yes, sir."
"So you believe in God?"
"Absolutely."
"Is God good?"
"Sure! God's good."
"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"
"Yes."
"Are you good or evil?"
"The Bible says I'm evil."
 
The professor grins knowingly. "Ahh! THE BIBLE!" He considers for 
a moment.  "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person 
over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help 
them? "Would you try?"

"Yes sir, I would."
"So you're good...!"
"I wouldn't say that."
"Why not say that? You would help a sick and maimed person if 
you could... in fact most of us would if we could... God doesn't.
 
[No answer.]
 
"He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of 
cancer even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this 
Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?"
 
[No answer]
 
The elderly man is sympathetic. "No, you can't, can you?" He 
takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student 
time to relax. In philosophy, you have to go easy with the new 
ones. "Let's start again, young fella."
 
"Is God good?"
"Er... Yes."
"Is Satan good?"
"No."
"Where does Satan come from?" The student falters.
"From... God..."
 
"That's right. God made Satan, didn't he?" The elderly man runs 
his bony fingers through his thinning hair and turns to the 
smirking, student audience. "I think we're going to have a lot of 
fun this semester, ladies and gentlemen." He turns back to the 
Christian.

"Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?"
"Yes, sir."
"Evil's everywhere, isn't it? Did God make everything?"
"Yes."
"Who created evil?

[No answer]
 
"Is there sickness in this world? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness. 
All the terrible things - do they exist in this world?"

The student squirms on his feet. "Yes."
"Who created them? "

[No answer]

The professor suddenly shouts at his student. "WHO CREATED THEM? 
TELL ME, PLEASE!" The professor closes in for the kill and climbs 
into the Christian's face. In a still small voice: "God created 
all evil, didn't He, son?"

[No answer]

The student tries to hold the steady, experienced gaze and fails.

Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace the front of the 
classroom like an aging panther. The class is mesmerized.

"Tell me," he continues, "How is it that this God is good if He 
created all evil throughout all time?" The professor swishes his 
arms around to encompass the wickedness of the world. "All the 
hatred, the brutality, all the pain, all the torture, all the 
death and ugliness and all the suffering created by this good 
God is all over the world, isn't it, young man?"

[No answer]

"Don't you see it all over the place? Huh?"

Pause.

"Don't you?" The professor leans into the student's face again 
and whispers, "Is God good?"

[No answer]

"Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"

The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor. 
I do."

The old man shakes his head sadly. "Science says you have five 
senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. 
Have you? "

"No, sir. I've never seen Him."
"Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?"
"No, sir. I have not."
 
"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your 
Jesus... in fact, do you have any sensory perception of your 
God whatsoever?"
 
[No answer]
 
"Answer me, please."
"No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't."
"You're AFRAID... you haven't?"
"No, sir."
"Yet you still believe in him?"
"...yes..."
"That takes FAITH!" The professor smiles sagely at the underling.

"According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable 
protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say 
to that, son? Where is your God now?"
 
[The student doesn't answer]
 
"Sit down, please."

The Christian sits...Defeated.

Another Christian raises his hand. "Professor, may I address 
the class?"

The professor turns and smiles. "Ah, another Christian in the 
vanguard!  Come, come, young man. Speak some proper wisdom to 
the gathering."

The Christian looks around the room. "Some interesting points 
you are making, sir. Now I've got a question for you. Is there 
such thing as heat?"

"Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat."
"Is there such a thing as cold?"
"Yes, son, there's cold too."
"No, sir, there isn't."
The professor's grin freezes. The room suddenly goes very cold.

The second Christian continues. "You can have lots of heat, even 
more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, white heat, a little heat or 
no heat but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit 458 
degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further 
after that. There is no such thing as cold, otherwise we would be 
able to go colder than 458 - You see, sir, cold is only a word we 
use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat 
we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is 
not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it."

Silence. A pin drops somewhere in the classroom.
"Is there such a thing as darkness, professor?"
"That's a dumb question, son. What is night if it isn't darkness? 
What are you getting at...?" (the professor starting to be impatient)

"So you say there is such a thing as darkness?"
"Yes..."
"You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something, it is the 
absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright 
light, flashing light but if you have no light constantly you have 
nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we 
use to define the word. In reality, Darkness isn't. If it were, you 
would be able to make darkness darker and give me a jar of it. Can 
you...give me a jar of darker darkness, professor?"

Despite himself, the professor smiles at the young effrontery before 
him.  This will indeed be a good semester. "Would you mind telling us 
what your point is, young man?"

"Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed 
to start with and so your conclusion must be in error...."

The professor goes toxic. "Flawed...? How dare you...!""
"Sir, may I explain what I mean?"
The class is all ears.

"Explain... oh, explain..." The professor makes an admirable 
effort to regain control. Suddenly he is affability itself. He 
waves his hand to silence the class, for the student to continue.

"You are working on the premise of duality," the Christian 
explains. "That for example there is life and then there's death; 
a good God and a bad God.  You are viewing the concept of God as 
something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science cannot 
even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism but has 
never seen, much less fully understood them. To view death as the 
opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot
exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, 
merely the absence of it."

The young man holds up a newspaper he takes from the desk of a 
neighbour who has been reading it. "Here is one of the most 
disgusting tabloids this country hosts, professor. Is there such 
a thing as immorality?"

"Of course there is, now look..."
"Wrong again, sir. You see, immorality is merely the absence of
morality. Is there such thing as injustice? No. Injustice is the 
absence of justice. Is there such a thing as evil?" The Christian 
pauses. "Isn't evil the absence of good?"

The professor's face has turned an alarming color. He is so angry 
he is temporarily speechless.

The Christian continues. "If there is evil in the world, professor, 
and we all agree there is, then God, if he exists, must be 
accomplishing a work through the agency of evil. What is that 
work, God is accomplishing? The Bible tells us it is to see if each 
one of us will, of our own free will, choose good over evil."

The professor bridles. "As a philosophical scientist, I don't view 
this matter as having anything to do with any choice; as a realist, 
I absolutely do not recognize the concept of God or any other 
theological factor as being part of the world equation because God 
is not observable."

"I would have thought that the absence of God's moral code in this 
world is probably one of the most observable phenomena going," the 
Christian replies.

"Newspapers make billions of dollars reporting it every week! Tell 
me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from 
a monkey?"

"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young 
man, yes, of course I do."

"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"

The professor makes a sucking sound with his teeth and gives his 
student a silent, stony stare.

"Professor. Since no-one has ever observed the process of evolution 
at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going 
endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not 
a scientist, but a priest?"

"I'll overlook your impudence in the light of our philosophical 
discussion. Now, have you quite finished?" the professor hisses.

"So you don't accept God's moral code to do what is righteous?"
"I believe in what is - that's science!"
"Ahh! SCIENCE!" the student's face splits into a grin. "Sir, you 
rightly state that science is the study of observed phenomena.
Science too is a premise which is flawed..."

"SCIENCE IS FLAWED..?" the professor splutters.

The class is in uproar.

The Christian remains standing until the commotion has subsided. 
"To continue the point you were making earlier to the other 
student, may I give you an example of what I mean?"

The professor wisely keeps silent.

The Christian looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the 
class who has ever seen the professor's brain?"

The class breaks out in laughter.

The Christian points towards his elderly, crumbling tutor. "Is 
there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain... 
felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's 
brain?"

No one appears to have done so.

The Christian shakes his head sadly. "It appears no-one here 
has had any sensory perception of the professor's brain whatsoever. 
Well, according to the rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable 
protocol, science, I DECLARE that the professor has no brain."

The class is in chaos.

The Christian sits... Because that is what a chair is for.

Stuck on an island

A hurricane came up unexpectedly, the cruice ship went down and 
was lost.  The man found himself swept up on the shore of an 
island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas 
and coconuts.  Since he was used to 5-star hotels, this guy had 
no idea what to do, so for the next 4 months he ate bananas, 
drank coconut juice and longed for his old life, and fixed his 
gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescueship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out 
of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most 
gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In 
disbelief, he asked her "Where did you come from? How did you get 
here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island", she said, "I landed
here when my cruise ship sank".

"Amazing!", he said, " I didn't know anyone else had survived. "How 
many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you".

"It's only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing
did!"

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?", he asked.

"oh, simple", replied the woman, " I made the rowboat out of materials,
that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gumtree and
stern and bow came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that?s impossible", stuttered the man, "You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem, replied the woman, "on the other side of 
the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvil rock exposed. 
I found that I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted 
into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tool 
to make the hardware. But enough of that", she said, "Where do you 
live?"

Sheepishly, he confesses, that he had been sleeping on the beach the
whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then", she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before 
him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue
and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven
hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked
into the house, she said casually: "It's not much, but I call it home.
Sit down, please, and would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you", he said, still dazed, " I can't take any more 
coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice", the woman replied, " I have a still so how
about a Pina colada?"

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on
her counch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman
announced: "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.  Would 
you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the
cabinet in the bathroom."

"No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There 
in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed
to hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel
mechanism.  "this woman is amazing", he mused, "what next?"

When he returned , she greeted him wearing nothing but vines -
strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias.  She 
beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me", she began suggestively, slithering close to him, "we've 
been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There is
something, I'm sure, you really feel like doing right now, something 
you've been longing for all these months. You know...............".

She stared into his eyes. He couldn ?t belive, what he was hearing.
"You mean...........?", he replied, "I can check my E-mail from here?"

Life Trees

Which tree are you?  Which tree does your birthday fall under?

December 23 to January 1 ....... Apple Tree
January 2 to January 11 ........ Fir Tree
January 12 to January 24 ....... Elm Tree
January 25 to February 3 ....... Cypress Tree
February 4 to February 8 ....... Poplar Tree
February 9 to February 18 ...... Cedar Tree
February 19 to February 28 ..... Pine Tree
March 1 to March 10 ............ Weeping Willow Tree
March 11 to March 20 ........... Lime Tree
March 21 ....................... Oak Tree
March 22 to March 31 ........... Hazelnut Tree
April 1 to April 10 ............ Rowan Tree
April 11 to April 20 ........... Maple Tree
April 21 to April 30 ........... Walnut Tree
May 1 to May 14 ................ Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 ............... Chestnut Tree
May 25 to June 3 ............... Ash Tree
June 4 to June 13 .............. Hornbeam Tree
June 14 to June 23 ............. Fig Tree
June 24 ........................ Birch Tree
June 25 to July 4 .............. Apple Tree
July 5 to July 14 .............. Fir Tree
July 15 to July 25 ............. Elm Tree
July 26 to August 4 ............ Cypress Tree
August 5 to August 13 .......... Poplar Tree
August 14 to August 23 ......... Cedar Tree
August 24 to September 2 ....... Pine Tree
September 3 to September 12 .... Weeping Willow Tree
September 13 to September 22 ... Lime Tree
September 23 ................... Olive Tree
September 24 to October 3 ...... Hazelnut Tree
October 4 to October 13 ........ Rowan Tree
October 14 to October 23 ....... Maple Tree
October 24 to November 11 ...... Walnut Tree
November 12 to November 21 ..... Chestnut Tree
November 22 to December 1 ...... Ash Tree
December 2 to December 11 ...... Hornbeam Tree
December 12 to December 21 ..... Fig Tree
December 22 .................... Beech Tree

## Apple Tree, the Love Of slight build, lots of charm, appeal 
and attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, 
sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful 
and tender partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives 
for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination.

## Fir Tree, the Mysterious Extraordinary taste, dignity, 
cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, 
tends to egoism but cares for those close to it, rather modest,
very ambitious, talented, industrious uncounted lover, many 
friends, many foes, very reliable.

## Elm Tree, the Noble-Minuteness Pleasant shape, tasteful 
clothes, modest demands, tends to not forgive mistakes, 
cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful 
partner, tends to a know-all-attitude and making decisions for 
others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

## Cypress, the Faithfulness Strong, muscular, adaptable, takes 
what life has to give,happy content, optimistic, needs enough 
money and acknowledgement, hates loneliness, passionate lover 
which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, 
pedantic and careless.

## Poplar, the Uncertainty Looks very decorative, no self-
confident behaviour, only  courageous if necessary, needs 
goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, 
great animosity, artistic nature, good organizer,tends to 
philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership serious.

## Cedar, the Confidence of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, 
likes luxury, of good health not in the least shy,tends to 
look down on others, self-confident, determined, impatient, 
wants to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy 
optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick 
decisions.

## Pine Tree, the Particularity Loves agreeable company, very 
robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, 
natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in 
love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many 
disappointments till it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.

## Weeping Willow, the Melancholy Beautiful but full of 
melancholy, attractive, very empathic,loves anything beautiful 
and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, 
honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, 
demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes 
an anchoring partner.

## Lime Tree, the Doubt Accepts what life dishes out in a 
composed way, hates fighting, stress and labour, tends to 
laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices 
for friends, many talents but not tenacious enough to make 
them blossom, often wailing and complaining, very jealous, 
loyal.

## Hazelnut Tree, the Extraordinary Charming, undermining, 
very understanding, knows how to make an impression, active 
fighter for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover, 
honest and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgement.

## Rowan, the Sensitivity Full of charm, cheerful, gifted, 
without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, 
unrest and even complications, is both dependent and idependent, 
good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, 
does not forgive.

## Maple, Independence of Mind No ordinary person, full 
imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, 
proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences, sometimes 
nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily, 
complicated love life, wants to impress.

## Walnut Tree, the Passion Unrelenting, strange and full of 
contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, 
unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no 
flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked 
but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and 
passionate, no compromises.

## Chestnut Tree, the Honesty of unusual beauty, does not want 
to impress, well-developed sense of justice, vivacious, 
interested, a born diplomat, but irritate and sensitive in 
company, often due to a lack of self-confidence, acts 
sometimes superior, feels not understood loves only once, has 
difficulties in finding a partner.

## Ash Tree, the Ambition Uncommonly attractive, vivacious, 
impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, 
intelligent, talented, likes to play with its fate, can be 
egoistic, very reliable and trust-worthy, faithful and prudent 
lover, sometimes brains rule over heart, but takes partnership 
very serious.

## Hornbeam, the good taste of cool beauty, cares for its looks 
and condition, good taste, tends to egoism, makes life as 
comfortable as possible, leads reasonable, disciplined life, 
looks for kindness, an emotional partner and acknowledgement, 
dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with his/her feelings, 
mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very 
consciences.

## Fig Tree, the Sensibility   Very strong, a bit self-willed,
independent, does not allow contradiction or arguments, loves 
life, its family, children and animals, a bit of a butterfly, 
good sense of humor, likes idleness and laziness, of practical 
talent and intelligence.

## Oak, robust nature Courageous, strong, unrelenting, 
independent, sensible, does not love changes, keeps its feet 
on the ground, person of action.

## Birch, the Inspiration Vivacious, attractive, elegant, 
friendly, unpretentious, modest, does Not like anything in 
excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, 
not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, 
creates a calm and content atmosphere.

## Olive Tree, the Wisdom Loves sun, warmth and kind feelings,
reasonable, balanced, avoids Aggression and violence, tolerant, 
cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, 
empathic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of 
sophisticated people.

## Beech, the Creative Has good taste, concerned about its 
looks, materialist, good organization of life and career, 
economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, 
reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit 
(diets, sports, etc.).

The Cross Room

The young man was at the end of his rope.  Seeing no way out, 
he dropped to his knees in prayer.  "Lord, I can't go on," he 
said.  "I have too heavy a cross to bear."

The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just 
place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door 
and pick out any cross you wish."

The man was filled with relief.  "Thank you, Lord," he sighed, 
and he did as he was told.  Upon entering the other door, he 
saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not visible.

Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. "I'd 
like that one, Lord, "he whispered.  And the Lord replied," My 
son, that is the cross you just brought in."

When life's problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around 
and see what other people are coping with.  You may consider 
yourself far more fortunate than you imagined.


                    YOUR CROSS
 Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,
 There will always be sunshine after the rain.
 Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall,
 But God's always ready to answer your call.
 He knows every heartache, sees every tear,
 A word from His lips can calm every fear
 Your sorrows may linger throughout the night,
 But suddenly vanish at dawn's early light.
 
 The Savior is waiting somewhere above,
 To give you His grace and send you His love.
 Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,
 God always sends rainbows after the rain.

ABC Inspiration

A lthough things are not perfect
B ecause of trial or pain
C ontinue in thanksgiving
D o not begin to blame

E ven when the times are hard
F ierce winds are bound to blow
G od is forever able
H old on to what you know

I magine life without His love
J oy would cease to be
K eep thanking Him for all the things
L ove imparts to thee

M ove out of "Camp Complaining"
N o weapon that is known
O n earth can yield the power
P raise can do alone

Q uit looking at the future
R edeem the time at hand
S tart every day with worship
T o "thank" is a command

U ntil we see Him coming
V ictorious in the sky
W e'll run the race with gratitude
eX alting God most high

Y es, there will be some good times
      and, yes, there will be some bad, but...
Z ion waits in Glory...
      where none are ever sad!

Harvard Personality Test

Harvard has developed this comprehensive Personality test. 
It will be in the December 1998 issue of the Journal of 
Clinical Psychiatry.

Step One:
Write down the letters you answer for each question.

1. When you get up in the morning, what do you usually have 
   for breakfast:
A. Eggs and toast   
B. Cereal   
C. Pop Tart   
D. Nothing

2. If you could have anything you desired, what would you have 
   for breakfast?
A. Eggs and toast   
B. Something else   
C. Pop Tart   
D. Cake

3. It's lunch time. You:
A. Skip a meal because you are too busy or worried about your 
   weight.
B. Get what you have spent all morning thinking about.
C. Eat the food you brought with you.
D. Find out what your friends are having and tag along.

4. A friend offers you some of his/her food. You:
A. Take a bite because you are starving.
B. Take a bite to be polite.
C. Refuse because you are watching your weight.
D. Take 2 bites instead of just 1.

5. Your future boyfriend/girlfriend offers you something to eat.  
   It is:
A. A cookie   
B. An apple   
C. A slice of pizza   
D. A carrot

6. Your dog is begging you for a treat. You give him:
A. A dog biscuit   
B. Some cake   
C. Nothing, but you pet him
D. Nothing and you push him away. Treats are bad for him.
 
7. In a dream, you are in the world's best restaurant. You 
   order:
A. Everything on the menu. It's a dream, right?
B. A salad. A big one with everything in it.
C. Steak. 
D. A rich dessert.

8. You are stranded alone on a tropical island. What are the 
   food you have to have with you?
A. Fruits and vegetables    
B. Meat and potatoes
C. Ice cream, chocolate, and cake    
D. Chinese food

9. You are an infant and your mother is feeding you:
A. Baby Cereal or formula   
B. Broccoli   
C. A cookie
D. Nothing, she is doing something else

10. You are 6 years old. Your dad is feeding you:
A. Pizza   
B. Spaghetti-Os   
C. Bubble gum    
D. Carrots

Step Two:
Now use this key to sum your score

1.  A. = 3   B. = 1   C. = 6   D. = 2
2.  A. = 2   B. = 1   C. = 3   D. = 4
3.  A. = 2   B. = 1   C. = 3   D. = 4
4.  A. = 3   B. = 1   C. = 2   D. = 6
5.  A. = 1   B. = 2   C. = 5   D. = 3
6.  A. = 3   B. = 1   C. = 4   D. = 2
7.  A. = 2   B. = 1   C. = 3   D. = 4
8.  A. = 4   B. = 3   C. = 2   D. = 5
9.  A. = 6   B. = 4   C. = 8   D. = 2
10. A. = 7   B. = 5   C. = 1   D. = 3

Now add up your scores and find your personality below...
Your score:

12-20:
You tend to be a shy person. You may feel uncomfortable with 
a lot of other people. You sometimes think that you were given 
a body that does not fit your mind, and perhaps you were born 
in the wrong year.  You are much smarter than most people think 
you are and you do not let other people know about it. You have 
a giant heart that gets crushed all the time.  You tend to have 
an artistic flair. Music you like: songs about love, lost love, 
and heartbreak.  Your favorite movie: Titanic. There are days 
when you would rather stay home and enjoy time to yourself than 
to go out and deal with annoying people.Cupid has toyed with 
you. Someone you loved has hurt you.  Your parents fought when 
you were small. You have thought about getting a tattoo.

21-30:
You made your way in this world in spite of all the obstacles 
you have faced.  You have seen a lot more troubles than most 
people. You have had to deal with difficult people, ridiculous 
rules, and tempestuous relationships.  Love for you can be as 
intense as the fire on the face of the sun.  You are either 
very calm on the inside when there is a lot of insanity around 
you or you shut people up and take charge. You can go to a 
movie by yourself without the need for someone to go with you. 
You are as comfortable alone as you are with others. You are 
angry at your parents and you can't change them.  You are a 
great lover when you find that rare mate who is your equal, 
but otherwise your relationships have been short or frustrating. 
You have stayed too long with a partner you did not like.  Life 
is a roller coaster, and you are finding ways to make the good 
times better.  You LOVE sports or have taken drugs.

31-42:
You generally are a calm person. You get excited when your 
favorite band is in town, when you are going on a date with 
your partner, and when you and your friends are dancing. For 
you, your friends mean everything to you.  You hate it when 
the summer is over. You like art, and some poetry.  You can 
throw a party, or help a friend put one together. You usually 
have no trouble finding dates, but you occasionally hit a dry 
spell.  You like the outdoors, usually,and rainy weather 
doesn't bother you.  You sometimes get jealous of people who 
are smarter or better looking than you, but you wouldn't hold 
it against them if you got to know them.  You are on good 
terms with your parents, even though they piss you off once 
in a while.  You saw your parents kissing and/or making love 
once.  People tend to think you are reliable and trustworthy. 
You like animals.

43-53:
Sometimes there just isn't enough time in a day for you to do 
everything you would like to do. If there isn't anything fun 
going on at the moment, then you know how to get things 
rolling. You tend to be the kind of person people look up to, 
and you usually have the ability to excel at most things you try. 
You usually don't care what people think about you, and you have 
no problem kissing your mate in public.  Sex for you is a 
passionate art, and you never have a problem in bed, except 
for being a little too wild for your partner. You tend to have 
an energy level that is one step above the others, but you can 
play it cool if you want to.  You prefer to play sports than to 
watch.  People have been jealous of you, but its unlikely you 
noticed. Your parents are active people, and may not have given 
you as much time as you wanted. You have a tattoo, play in a 
band, have blond hair, or are on a sports team. People copy you. 
Sometimes you are truly miserable, but not for long.

Men Are Like ...

Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.

Men are like ... coffee
The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.

Men are like ... computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Men are like ... coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like ... chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... power tools
They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like ... remote controls
Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.

Men are like .... shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.

Men are like ... road kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

Men are like ... soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like ... pillows
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

Men are like ... old car tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are like ... plastic wrap
Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.

Men are like ... department stores 
Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like ... horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like ..  cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like ... plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom

True Love

Her husband had been slipping in
and out of a coma for several months, yet she
had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of
tears, "You know what?

"You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still
by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked,
smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

Oopsssss....

LOVE Technical Support

Customer Service Representative: LOVE Technical Support.

Customer: I'm not very technical, but I think I can do it if 
you talk me through. I am ready to install love now. What do 
I do first?

Customer Service Representative: The first step is to open 
your HEART.  Have you located your HEART?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running 
right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Customer Service Representative: It depends. What programs 
are running?

Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, 
GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

Customer Service Representative: No problem. LOVE will 
automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from  your current operating 
system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no 
longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite 
LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE.  
However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and 
RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs will prevent LOVE from being 
properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me 
how?

Customer Service Representative: My pleasure. Go to your Start 
menu and invoke  FORGIVENESS.EXE.  Do this as many times as 
necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and  RESENTMENT.COM have been 
completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself
automatically.  Is that normal?

Customer Service Representative: Yes it is. You should see a 
message that says it will reinstall for the life of your 
HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed now?

Customer Service Representative: Yes, but remember that you 
have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to 
other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What 
should I do?

Customer Service Representative: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL 
COMPONENTS." What does that mean?

Customer Service Representative: Don't worry, that's a common 
problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on 
external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is 
one of those complicated programming things, but in non-
technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine 
before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

Customer Service Representative: Can you find the directory 
called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

Customer Service Representative: Excellent, you are getting 
good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

Customer Service Representative: You're welcome. Click on the 
following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: 
FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and 
GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files 
and begin patching any faulty programming.  Also, you need to 
delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your 
recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and
never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat 
files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it 
shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are 
copying themselves into my HEART! 

Customer Service Representative: Then LOVE is installed and 
running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more 
thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

Customer Service Representative: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to 
give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They 
will in turn share it with other people and return some really 
neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help

Workplace Lessons

##Lesson number one ...

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.  A small 
rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you 
and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the  rabbit sat on the 
ground below the crow, and rested.  All of a sudden, a fox 
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you 
must be sitting very, very high...


##Lesson number two ...

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  "I would love to be able 
to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I 
haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied 
the bull.  "They're packed with nutrients."  The turkey pecked 
at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough 
strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second 
branch.  Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched 
at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, 
who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it 
won't keep you there.

##Lesson number three ...

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.  
The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole 
body's responses and functions."  The feet said, " We should be 
Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants 
to go."  The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do 
all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on 
with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole 
spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. 
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to 
work.  Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands 
clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic 
and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, 
so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work 
while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any 
asshole will do.