JOKES

I have included a title for each joke and MY RATING of it.

0 - Nonfunny, stupid, waste of your time
100 - You'll laugh so hard, you'll probably pee your pants

Reasons It's Great To Be A Guy 88

Reasons it's great to be a guy:

1) Phone conversations last 30 seconds
2) You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
3) A five-day vacations requires only one suitcase
4) You can open all your own jars
5) Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
6) Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight
7) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind
8) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
9) You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
10) You can go the bathroom alone
11) Your last name stays put
12) You can leave a motel room bed unmade
13) You can kill your own food
14) The garage is all yours
15) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
16) You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
17) You never have to clean the toilet
18) You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
19) Wedding plans take care of themselves
20) If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
21) Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of three
22) None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
23) You don't have to shave below your neck
24) You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
25) If your 34 and single, no one notices
26) Chocolate is just another snack
27) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
28) Flowers fix everything
29) You never have to worry about other's feelings
30) Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
31) You can say anything and not worry about what people think
32) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe
33) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
34) Car mechanics tell you the truth
35) You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
36) You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "he must be mad at me"
37) One mood, all the time
38) You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
39) Same work.....more pay
40) Gray hair and wrinkles add character
41) Wedding dress $2,000, Tux rental $100
42) You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
43) You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch on someone else's
44) If you retain water, it is in a canteen
45) The remote is yours and yours alone
46) You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom - If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell all your friends you've changed
47) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life-long buddies
48) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
49) You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
50) If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
51) New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet

50 Worst Pickup Lines 68

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....
9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.
13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb - diggity.
14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.
22.    Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
         Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
         Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
24. I look good on you.
25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, could I visit you between the Holidays?
27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.
31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.
33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?
35. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot.
36. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.
37. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
38. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.
39. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
40. The word for the night is legs, let's go back to my room and spread the word.
41. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
42. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.
43. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
44. Was you dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.
45. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choo choo.
46. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
47. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
48.     Guy: "haven't I seen you someplace before?"
          Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"
49. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.
50. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

Emoticons 55

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"

Where :) means a smile, :( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.

Well, how about some "butticons"?

>>>>>>>>>>> (_!_) a regular butt
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> (__!__) a fat butt
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> (!) a tight butt
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> (_._) a flat butt
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> (_^_) a bubble butt
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> (_*_) a sore butt
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> (_!__) a lop-sided butt
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> {_!_} a swishy butt
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> (_o_) a butt that's been around
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> (_O_) a butt that's been around even more
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> (_x_) kiss my butt
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> (_X_) leave my butt alone
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> (_zzz_) a tired butt
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> (_o^o_) a wise butt
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> (_13_) an unlucky butt
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> (_$_) Money coming out of his butt
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> (_?_) Dumb butt
>>>>>>>>>>>
Happy e-mooning!!!

The Four Guys at the Bar 89

4 guys were telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves to go to the
restroom. 3 guys are left...

The first guys says, "I was worried that my son was going to be a
loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership.
Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold
so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so
successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his
birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he
started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out he got a break,
they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the
real estate firm. In fact he's so successful that he just gave his
best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started sweeping floors
in a brokerage firm. Well, he got a break and they made him a
broker and now he owns the firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave
his best friend $1 million in stocks for his birthday.

The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The three explain that
they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm
embarrassed to admit that my son is a major disappointment. He
started out as a hairdresser and is still a hairdresser after 15 years. In
fact I just found out he's gay and has several boyfriends. But I try
to look at the bright side, his boyfriend just bought him a new
Merecedes, a new house, and $1 million in stocks for his birthday."

Drive The Speed Limit 90

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to
himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on
his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in
the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The
driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I
was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly. Twenty - two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is
everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't
muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route
119!"

How To Do Homework (The Right Way) 60

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it-I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
    a) Pro Bowler's Tour
    b) any movie starring Don Ameche.
    c) Star Trek
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper.
28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the paper.

The Bank Teller 71

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,

"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Bad Doctor 92

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm >doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."