Recycle

Michael Kadish

RON: Aba, can you read me a story?

MOREH AVI: Bivadie, Ron. Oh, wait a minute the class I had in '93 wrote a great play. You wanna here it?

RON: Tov! (Avi opens a big book while Ron, who is in his father's lap is also looking at it.)

MARY: Once apon a time in a far away land, France in the 1600's to be exact, there were four women who lived together. Cinderella, her two wicked step-sisters, and her step-mother who was at least twice as wicked as the two daughters put together. Cinderella's step family was rude and nasty. They littered, they killed harmless animals and wasted natural resources. They were bad. They were vile. They were wretched.

MELISSA: Will you cut to the chase, please?

MARY: Sorry. Anyway, Cinderella, on the other hand of course, was not. She recycled, she cleaned, all together she was an altogether good girl. (Somewhere off stage "Oh barf!" is heard.) But the sisters thought that being environmentally conscious was stupid and unnecessary. Since they didn't want to hear about how they were doing everything wrong environmentally, they made Cinderella do everything. (The camera sees SHIRA showing SHARONA how she should cut up soda rings, then SHIRA grabs a styrafoam cup out of MELISSA's hands. SHIRA grabs an aerosol can out of SARAH's hand and flings it to the other side of the set. When MARY mentions that the sisters are forcing Cinderella to work, cut to SHIRA scrubbing away at the floor.) Yet none-the-less, Cinderella kept teaching the others about the environment.

SHIRA: Look, I've told you before, Mom stop using hair spray out of the can. Oh and please, please stop using styrafoam cups. I've explained to you before that they take over 500 years to disintegrate. Are you even trying?

SARAH: In your dreams, Sweetie!

SHARONA: I really don't care much about this junk.

MELISSA: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Cut, cut, I want the writers and Mark and Mr. Peritz on the set right now! (SHARONA, MARK, DAVID, MELISSA, and AVI) SIT DOWN ON THE SET)

MARK: What's up?

MELISSA: Refresh my memory, when does this take place again?

DAVID: (Muttering) France. In the 1600's.

MELISSA: Right, so why the heck are we worried about recycling, when we don't even know what a lightbulb is?

SHARONA: Oh, Shut up!

MELISSA: No, I'm serious. This concept is absurd.

AVI: Look, we can do this, or we can show off the Hebrew we learned this year.

MARK: (Quickly) Oh, just shut up and get on with this story.

MELISSA: Fine, lets go (Avi, MARK, and DAVID leave.) (In a monotone) No, I will not recycle. I do not care what happens to the environment.

OFF STAGE(PREFERABLY MARK): MELISSA!!!!

MELISSA: Sorry.

MARY: Right. Well that was life at their house for a long time. Cinderella would have to slave away on the cleaning while the entire time she was doing everything possible to be environmentally sound. One day news was brought to them (At this point a brick with a note attached should be thrown in through the set "window" with glass tingling sound effect.) that the prince was throwing a party and he was to marry the most beautiful girl there.

SHARONA: I hear that he is so handsome that everybody who has ever seen him has fainted from jealousy! What are you going to wear?

MELISSA: Well I am going to wear my new silk blouse, with a mink stole, along with my new matching sealskin coat, and necklace made out of genuine baby seal eyeballs...

SHARONA: I am going to wear my new pearl necklace...

MELISSA: Eww!! Pearls do you know what those things really are?

SHIRA: You guys are so cruel. I have my old rayon coat and a beautiful

SHARONA: Oh, cut it out. You are not going.

SHIRA: Why not?

MELISSA: Because you are our slave. Duhhhhhhh.

SHARONA: Hey mom, what are you going to wear?

SARAH: Well I am going to wear my leather shoes, chihuahua skin socks, dolphin tooth bracelet, my cat-eyes earrings, my cat-paw necklace...

MARY: Right. Lets stop here before we lose our lunch. We continue now, the night of the ball.

SARAH: And remember Cinderella, if those dishes are not washed and put away, the floor not mopped, and the firewood chopped by the time I come home, you are getting whipped!

MELISSA: By a princess! (The family leaves)

SHIRA: I have got to figure out how to get out of here. How do they do it in the the other stories? (She picks up an oil lamp and rubs it.) Robin Williams, Robin Williams I need you! (Nothing happens. She picks up a baseball and starts to rub it.) What was her name? Oh yeah. Alexandria, I need you. This isn't working. Gosh I can't understand why it isn't working.

VOICE (Loud but whispering. Preferably Avi.) If you recycle it, he will come! (SHIRA gives a really dry look.)

SHIRA: Here is a recycling bin. This is worth a shot. (She rubs it, and in a puff of smoke MANDY appears clad as a genie.)

MANDY: Yo!

SHIRA: Who are you supposed to be?

MANDY: (Muttering) Your Fairy Gore Mother.

SHIRA: (Giggling) My what?

MANDY: You're Fairy-Gore-Mother. Look it wasn't my idea the stupid writers thought that since Gore was so environmental he should be mentioned in this play. So can I help you or not?

SHIRA: Ummmm. Could you do my chores?

MANDY: (sarcastically) Gee, I think I can manage something. (She snaps her fingers three times like the three stooges do.) Done. Anything else?

SHIRA: If you were a real Fairy-Gore-Mother you could send me anywhere I want. (She puts her index fingers against her temples.)

MANDY: If you say so. (MANDY waves her wand and in a puff of smoke they appear in a junk yard. Mandy begins to fan herself from the stench.) Did you mean to put us in a dump?

SHIRA: Yes. (SHIRA looks at MANDY as if she were crazy.)

MANDY: Okay. I'll bite, why are we here?

SHIRA: Haven't you been keeping up with the story line? I need to have a coach to go to the ball in.

MANDY: Look, cluckface, all you had to do was ask me to make you a coach and it would be done for you. (She starts to wave her wand around.)

SHIRA: No! stop it! (She grabs the wand.) Look, if you grant the wish, a tree will be cut down unneedlessly- however fast- this way, we also lesser the trash in here. Oh, look this is good (She pulls out the front of the coach drop.)

MANDY: Wait a minute, Wait one cotton-picking-minute. Okay, I didn't complain about the Field Of Dreams takeoff, and I barely complained about being called a Fairy- Gore- Mother, and I didn't complain about working in a junk yard, but I am putting my foot down. We are having the cool special effects and the "Bippity Boppity Boo, Recycling is Good for You" number and dance.

SHIRA: (SMUG) Sorry, but the dance number is later on. Oh. Wait a minute there is something you can do.

MANDY: (Hopeful) Yeah, what?

SHIRA: Could you stop time until I built my coach?

MANDY: New request. But, nonetheless. (She waves her wand) as of now, time only affects the things we touch. (Cut to the chase- after she builds the coach.) In a matter of speaking, time is up.

SHIRA: Well that was easy enough.

MANDY: We are not done yet.

SHIRA: What else do we have to do?

MANDY: Well for one thing we have to do something about those clothes.

SHIRA: What's wrong with my clothes?

MANDY: (MANDY gives SHIRA a strange look and waves around her magic wand. In a puff of smoke SHIRA appears in a ball gown.) Don't worry there are no dead animals in there. Now watch this, it's cool. (MANDY waves her wand and the "automatic recycler appears")

SHIRA: What's that?

MANDY: It's an "Automatic Recycler" this is really cool, but you must get me three or four mice, preferably white or black . (SHIRA gets three mice and from some camera trick, the "Automatic Recycler" turns them into horses.)

SHIRA: What are they for?

MANDY: Why they are the three strong, handsome horses to pull your cart.

SHIRA: But that's speciesism!

MANDY: Oh God. Look, this is a fairy tale, you are allowed to favor the more beautiful animals.

SHIRA: (Doubtful) If you say so. By the way, how do you get there?

MANDY: Go down Walt Disney Lane, turn on Grimm Brothers Circle, and turn left on Hans Christian Anderson Drive. Fourth castle on the right. Can't miss it.

SHIRA: I'm off.

Okay, attention sixth grade thespians. The next few minutes of the play are for your schoolmates. There are sixteen cameo roles available so you can argue it out who gets the roles, and if you want to be a pin headed snot face about it, you can give one of them to you. but, heres a list:

Gretal: Come on Hansel we must hurry the witch is gaining on us! (They to run backwards until they are off the set. Then Peter Pan and Captain Hook run on fencing Tinker comes on with them.)

Captain Hook: (to Pan) You Lilly-Livered numskull!!! (The three of them run off the screen in the same manner. Jack and Jill come on. Jack is holding a torn Burger King crown and the two of them are bruised, bloodied, and bandaged.)

Jill: Jack when we get home, I'm calling the owner of the hill and suing the pants off him!!! (They run off backwards and the seven dwarfs come on singing "Hi Ho Hi Ho" then they run off. Finally, Ariel, The Little Mermaid comes out singing "Under The Sea." This finally gets a double-take from Cinderella- just as she gets to the castle.)

MARY: When she finally got to the ballroom she saw hundreds of beautiful ladies. But the Prince was nowhere. It was told that he was hiding, and seeing which of the ladies was the prettiest.

MELISSA: (to SARAH and SHARONA) Who is that beautiful lady who just walked in?

SARAH: Oh cut it out. Anybody can tell who it is. It's Cinderella. It isn't as if she cosmetic miracle or plastic surgery. For God's sake she sure should have at least put on some make-up.

MARY: (as queen) Attention ladies. I have been informed that the prince has made his choices. I hope you all have the cards you were given when you walked at the door. Will G57, B5, I37, O71, I21, B7, O69, N25, O72, B10 please come up? (Ten women come upstairs they include SARAH, SHARONA, SHIRA, MELISSA, and six other girls in ball gowns.)

SHARONA: Now what do we do?

MARY: (as queen) You all go in the room, pick a number from one to ten, the girl with the closest number wins.

SARAH: Me first! Me first! (she runs in) 5!!!. . . . Aughhhhh. . .

SHIRA: Uh. I'll go next. (For the first time the camera sees the prince. David is dressed as a complete nerd, able to make anybody gag.) Oooooohhhhhhhhhhhh. . . 2,359.

MELISSA: (groans) 2,360.

SHARONA: (groans) 2,361.

Woman 5: 2,362 (etc.)

DAVID: (to SARAH) Honey, guess what? Your two daughters are allowed to live with us. (softer and quicker) If you guys will clean the moat every week, but how hard could that be?

SHIRA: (By herself) Cut, cut. Wait a minute here. Now I get some of the plot here. Since I am environmentally correct I don't have to marry the prince. But this story still needs a happy ending. (She walks of the set and walks to Avi, MARK, DAVID, and SHARONA who are standing next to a large Mother Goose book.)

MARK: Well we could do The Three Little Bears.

SHIRA: Not!

DAVID: Aladdin?

SHIRA: We started in France how are we supposed to get to India?

Avi: You could be the other lady in The Lady and The Tiger.

SHIRA: Much better. Ancient Greece.

MARK: What about you being you being the one who hits the homerun that wins the world series for the Cubs?

SHIRA: Huh?

SHARONA: Wait a minute here. What about Beauty and The Beast?

MARK: Never mind.

DAVID: If you think about it, that really is a good recycling story. A bunch of ugly freaks turn into sheer beauty.

MARK: Yea.

SHIRA: Well, why not?

AVI: Well lets do it. (DAVID gets into the beast costume and they start a dancing scene)

MANDY: (Offset) What about the dance number?

Everybody else: Right now! (All the cast members dance, including the cameos, to "Beauty and the Beast."

The End!

ATTENTION, IF YOU THOUGHT THIS HAD SOME BAD PUNS IT COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH WORSE. I COULD HAVE PUT IN "WANT A PEPSI CINDI?, HOW ABOUT ANOTHER GLASS CINDI?" JOKES, AND I COULD HAVE MADE A REALLY STUPID "IF THE SHOE (OR SLIPPER) FITS WEAR IT" TYPE JOKE. SO I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. SUGGESTED CHARACTERS: