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Top 75 Things We Hate About Working At Amoco
By: Kevin, Eric and Ronnie
75. Slow-pumpin' Dude.
74. Slow-pumpin' Dude speaking in tongues as you stare dumbly at him coating the window with spit.
73. People who give us dirty looks after we slam their hands in the drawer.
72. Charlie Gegor.
71. Charlie Gegor (as a Burchmart customer).
70. Charlie Gegor (as an Amoco customer).
69. Gum representatives who hassle customers about smoking (obligatory "Clerks" reference).
68. The fact that I (Eric) didn't get to come up with something witty for reason #69.
67. People who bitch that the Fresh-Touch hand spray smells worse than gas.
66. When you're trying to look at a really awesome-looking girl on pump #11 or 5, but there is a $!@$*#& sign in the window blocking your view!
65. People who get $10 worth of gas and pay with an assortment of pennies and nickels.
64. Working Sunday night and having to clean up after the Eric/Brian/Ronnie "Weekend Dream Team."
63. Stupid people who try to make jokes and think they're actually funny.
62. Customers with missing teeth.
61. The guy who always says "I want $5", but always comes back for change.
60. Zane Goldsmith's Multicard from hell!
59. Brian's harem blocking the pumps while seducing him.
58. Brian having a harem and us not.
57. That guy (don't be that guy).
56. Complicated and sensitive gender issues brought up by a hermaphrodite using our bathroom.
55. Big-ass trucks that block the view of the other side of the pumps and invite all of their friends to "Free Gas Day" at Amoco.
54. When customers lip-synch "$5 on pump 3", but really are saying "I'd like to use the bathroom key."
53. MVFD at 11:59 pm.
52. Wonder Bread at shift change.
51. Mattingly Distributors at any time.
50. Burchmart rumors that Kevin is secretly a bisexual looking for hermaphroditic women to fulfill his wishes to expand his horizons and give him the best of both worlds (obligatory reference #2 to "Clerks").
49. People who see the oil rack in the middle of the parking lot and instantly think they are an American Gladiator trying to maneuver their car through an obstacle course.
48. Customers who try to tell you what pump # they're on and how much gas they want with a mouthful of food and get mad at us for not understanding them.
47. Besche Oil secret agents who hide in the bushes with binoculars.
46. The fact that Ronnie gets calls from phone sex girls on his first night and I (Kevin) have been working here for over two years and the only calls I get are from a homosexual pervert who wishes to perform oral sex on me.
45. Assholes who come up with a superior attitude to tell us their pump isn't working because they failed to read the directions to push the "Cash Inside" button.
44. Rednecks who come up to say "I reckon your pump is a goin' beep-beep-beep" and then just walk away.
43. St. Mary's County rednecks who fear change so much that they have begun to revolt against our new pumps by burning them in effigy on night shift.
42. People who tell you they're on pump #8 when they're really on Pump #2.
41. People who buy kerosene in August.
40. That giant "Lassie" - looking dog disarming me as I (Eric) beat the handicapped customers with a squeegie.
39. Those friendly "Tom Hodges Auto Sales" guys!!
38. Bare-knuckle boxing in the parking lot between Jeffro and the Marlo Rentals guy.
37. "Do you accept Most cards?"
36. The owner of Burch Oil sitting across the street spying on us at 11:00 pm Sunday night.
35. James proposing to Angela in our parking lot...oops, we're not Taco Bell.
34. Pepsi calendar/billboard behind our back, leading customers to request "Big Gulp" refills.
33. Covert military action between Burchoil and SMO..."Amish Storm."
32. "Hi, Thank You...Hi, Thank You...Hi, Thank You...Hi, Thank You...Hi, Thank You...Hi, Thank You..."
31. Eric trying to make fun of someone but instead making himself look like an ass in the process.
30. The way Ronnie always follows Brian from behind.
29. The way that the crew goes to Perkins and after that they all have a big-ass orgy.
(NUMBERS 31-29 WRITTEN BY JIM, THE BURCHMART DORK)
BOOTH REASONS FOR 31-29:
31. Jim.
30. Jim trying to be funny.
29. Jim's girlfriend: "Jimmy the Lips."
28. "Only take out trash when it's overflowing" as a motto for faggot volunteer firefighters moonlighting at a real job.
27. The fact that we work with thousands of dollars every day, and none of it is ours!
26. The "We Bake Our Own Bread" sign performing hypnosis on you during night shift.
25. We can stop for breakfast and get lunch to go, but we can't stop for lunch or get breakfast to go.
24. Working with shitasses named "Eric"!!!
23. Working with an elderly lady sho leaves her bottles of Prozac lying around the booth.
22. Free concerts by the Gospel Light Baptist Church "choir-on-the-bus" disrupting pump traffic.
21. The shutting booth door/cash drawer wind tunnel effect.
20. Trying to talk to a loved one while Ronnie sings "Feelings."
19. Getting off Sundays at 10 am HaHa!! (contributed by Brenda).
18. Customers who a face life-or-death decision every time they come in: Pay first or pump first?
17. Lesbian taxes.
16. People who use the Fresh Touch hand spray as deodorant.
15. Customers who emphatically state that they want $10 on their pump while holding up 5 fingers to make it more clear for us.
14. "You'll have to push the 'Cash' button."
13. "You'll have to lift up the handle."
12. The fact that the smaller the monetary value of their purchase, the ruder the customer is.
11. The sling-shot effect that happens every time you try to get a fountain cup from the store.
10. People will put their credit cards under the paperweight, but just throw cash into the drawer with a hurricane ripping through.
9. Roofing By George: Shitheads by inbreeding.
8. Night shift forgetting to do any chores...Ronnie.
7. Frequent questions on whether the rumors of a "Brian Does Mary (and Joyce, and Melinda, and Kelly, and that 'Lips Girl')" porno are true.
6. Having to explain that it's actually a "Brian Does Leopold the Wonder-Sheep" porno.
5. SMIB firefighters who don't do their chores at work on a night shift because mommy stood too close to a microwave during pregnancy...Ronnie.
4. Working Friday evenings.
3. Working Friday day shift 6 weeks in a row.
2. Mmm...the smell of nicotine in the morning!
And the #1 reason we all hate working here...
1. Amish drive-by shootings!!!
10. Bingo night!!
9. Too busy with plans to take over Hughesville.
8. After shooting 3 "cool people" hanging around in the parking lot, Burchoil has tagged Kevin as a high-risk attendant on Saturdays.
7. He claims there is no night shift on Saturdays and that we close at 5 pm.
6. He stays out so late on Friday night, Kevin must sleep until Sunday!
5. Wants to see "While You Were Sleeping" every Saturday night for 12 weeks so as to get in the Guiness Book of World Records.
4. Since becoming a Seventh Day Adventist, Kevin refuses to work on the Sabbath.
3. Has caught "Saturday night fever" and must disco 'til dawn!!
2. Two words: Jello wrestling.
1. Has to man the "El Frijole" taco stand on Saturday nights.
Bonus Reason:
Body guard work for "Paco Tour '95"
10. Have gas booth double as a cool new nite club between 12:00 - 4:00 am called "The Kiosk".
9. Tear the bathrooms out and install a taco stand.
8. Buy a 10-foot wide strip of Route 5 and install toll booths.
7. Karaoke on the roof of Burchmart.
6. Have "Paco the Dancing Tapeworm" star in cool new Ice Capades show called "Paco on Ice".
5. Buy out Hill's Club and give it an exciting new name -- Burch's Club.
4. Build a shrine to Brian's girlfriend's lips and charge admission.
3. Buy Wood's Foodrite and give it an exciting new name -- Burch's Foodrite.
2. Open new theme park in place of softball field called "PacoLand".
1. Install parking meters in the employees' parking spaces!!!
15. Sam, the Amoco elderly person
14. Freddy, the Amoco ferret
13. Paco, the Amoco tapeworm
12. Pat, the Amoco mustache
11. Brian's girlfriend's lips
10. Sven, the Amoco Swedish guy
9. Isaiah, the Amoco Amish feller
8. Pat Teachout, the Amoco grumpy dude
7. Debbie, the Amoco naked lady
6. Somebody named Boris
5. Heinrich, the Amoco Nazi war criminal
4. Nick, the Amoco no-show
3. Ricky, the Amoco head louse
2. Charlie Gegor, the Amoco asshole
1. Terry the truck, the unsold Chevron promo
10. Install a taco stand where the bathrooms are.
9. Go-go dancers in the parking lot.
8. Ban all Ford Escorts from the parking lot.
7. Massive poster of Brian's girlfriend in the nude placed in the backroom.
6. Brian's girlfriend nude in the backroom.
5. Systematic extermination of all NASCAR fans...(has nothing to do with the booth, but it makes me happy.)
4. Two words: Jello Wrestling!!
3. Five words: Jello Wrestling with Mr. Cross!!
2. Live entertainment every half hour with Paco the Dancing Tapeworm.
1. Keep the managers out.
