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So many have wondered. Who is this "Dave Hartman" guy? What does he stand for? What makes him tick? And most of all, "What's with those TOES?!?!?!?" Prepare to be astounded.
Born and raised in East Philadelphia, on the playground is where Dave spent most of his days. Additionally, Dave also grew up in a frighteningly rural area which, to most, is known as Airville, Pennsylvania. It was during these first 13 years of "country living" that Dave learned how to swim, dance, sing, ride a bike, operate heavy machinery, and play the viola. But, like any good chipmunk, young Dave knew he was destined for bigger and better things: CITY LIFE!
So, at the ripe old age of 13, Dave moved to the growing metropolis of Red Lion, Pennsylvania. This quaintly backwards town is known best for its role as a cigar manufacturer in the 1920s, and also for its heavy Klan activity and surprisingly large number of bigoted, vehement racists. {DISCLAIMER: The Red Lion Civics Club in no way wishes to condemn the conventions of the Ku Klux Klan, nor of racism as an institution. In accord with the beliefs of the American Civil Liberties Union and the United States Constitution, the Civics Club backs the right to free speech and expression, no matter what the "expression" may be. However, Dave just happens to dislike racism, and wants to take this opportunity to bash, bash, bash!} In an interesting twist to Dave's dislike of the practices of the Klan, t should be noted that at least one member of the Red Lion Civics Club is currently investigating the possibility of creating a Bureau of Redneck Affairs, which would be a small non-profit organization designed to improve the quality of life through the pro-active genocide of all rednecks. However, this measure has yet to be proposed, and no immediate action will be taken.
Due to an incurable disorder similar to narcolepsy (and also due to the fact that space on this page IS, surprisingly enough, at least somewhat limited.) Dave fell asleep at the age of 13 and a half and did not re-awaken until age 16. Upon waking up from this 30-month slumber, Dave decided to celebrate by obtaining a Pennsylvania State Driver's License. This small, rectangular piece of plastic enabled Dave to almost triple his area of destruction, and with the generous assistance of a 6;3" chimpanzee named DELLER, Dave was able to begin wreaking havoc in three states, 17 counties, and the Northwest Territory.
Dave enjoys candle-lit dinners, long walks on the beach, and can usually be found cuddling up with a warm mug of hot chocolate and a book.
After having completed a rigorous year of studies as a Junior at Red Lion Area High School, Dave decided to again make his annual trip to Ocean City, Maryland for a week of un-interrupted solitude. In the affable company of his dear friend DELLER, Dave made the trip to The Ocean Loge Motel of Ocean City in just over 139 minutes. There, he found a room for four which was actually smaller than his closet, a strange growth in the quasi-clean shower, and one cool hippie named Christine.
So, now Dave and Christine have been going out for half a year, and Dave (avoiding education at all costs) takes numerous "educational trips" to Pittsburgh to visit. CHRISTINE ROCKS.
In the future, Dave hopes to further his understanding of the human mind (mostly so he can mess with people) at whatever university would like to give him the most CA$H. After having graduated from no-name university, he will likely enroll in a graduate school of some greater consequence, and continue his un-ending quest for knowledge, fun, and cool people. (Did I mention that Christine ROCKS yet? Cause if I didn't let me tell you CHRISTINE ROCKS!)
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