"Yes, I was foolish to do it, I regret it and it won't happen again. Sometimes we do foolish things in our youth, I'd like to apologise to my family and the Conservatives. But I felt it would be better to admit it now, before I was outted by someone else. I will be telling the local conservatives in Kenning and Chelsee that I no longer care for the poor, that Caring about the poor was simply a phase that I had in early University life. It won't happen again"

Senior Tories applauded Miguels decision to admit to once caring for the poor. "I'm sure we've all contemplated caring for the poor at one time, the key thing is that Miguel has admitted it is all in the past and that it won't happen again" said fellow right winger Bill Cashback.

Conservative central office last night released a statement offering support for Miguel during this difficult time for him and his family. However some Tories were not being so supportive. One Tory MP who did not wish to be named spoke to one of our staff last night:

"Its disgraceful, just when I was starting to gain some respect in the party, along comes Miguel threatening me and my position in the party.  I wish could admit to a youthful indiscretion to boost my popularity. The bastard even still has Hair"

The episode comes as the Quiffed one prepares for re-entry into parliament as he seeks the nomination of the Safe Tory seat of Kenning and Chelsee, which became available after the death of long serving Tory Alan Clock.

Miguel Quifftillo is no stranger to controversy, he spent the early 90s plotting against the pro-european prime minister John Majaw and was known for his Thatcherite views and euro-scepticism. He was seen as the natural successor to John Majaw, but lost his seat of Enfield Gareth Southgate in the 1997 election, allowing William Vague to become leader of the Tories. The admission which once could have wreaked his career is now likely to boost it in the tolerant 90s. But one wonders if Mr Vague wants the re-vitalised Quiffster back in Parliament.
 Report by Jim Partial - journalist