On Starting your Car.
Implore your Higher Power and ask for
divine intervention in protecting you against the perils of the Venezuelan
streets. Be careful with the confident reverse driver. This type of driver
is famous for backing his/her car with a complete disregard of whatever
is on its path. If you encounter one of these drivers then you are just
in time to practice the Venezuelan driver greeting.
The Venezuelan Driver Greeting
When greeting a Venezuelan driver, slowly
lower your window and be prepared to greet the driver with: "Tu madre,
pendejo". However, if you have been already addressed by a fellow driver,
reply with a joyful "La tuya, cabrón".
On Turn signals
If a driver in another lane turns on the
turn signal, do not let him go into your lane. In fact, press the accelerator
and start driving right next to him/her. The fellow driver will probably
greet you and you already know what to do.
On Traffic Lights
These amusing artifacts hang from intersections
for no apparent reason. Sometimes you will see drivers stop to see the
colors change on these lights (a fascinating experience). Government officials
(specifically police) believe that each color stands for an instruction
for drivers to follow. From pure observation I have determined the following
instructions for each color:
Yellow light: accelerate your car as much as possible.
Red light:
this light gives permission to the next five
to six cars to go through.
Green:
reduce speed and wait for the five to six
cars passing through their respective
red lights.
Little-known-fact:
Time to start honking your horn,
as soon as the light turns green: 1.5 seconds.
On Changing Lanes
Changing lanes has been elevated to an
art form in Venezuela. First of all, no matter what you do, never turn
on your turn signal or otherwise you'll stimulate the reaction described
above. Second, swerve your car uncontrollably to the lane you want to change,
preferrably if you end up within inches of a car in that lane. At this
point a greeting from the other driver may be in order. To perfect your
change of lanes, reduce the speed of your car dramatically in a matter
of seconds and you will see an action packed reaction from the car behind
you.
On Traffic Jams
Traffic Jams are teeming will fun filled
activities such as:
1. Honking your horn rythmically.
2. Put on make-up (usually female
drivers only)
3. Nose-pickers sightseeing. (not
to be confused with people
who scratch
their brains through their nose)
4. Reduce speed to watch whatever
is causing the traffic jam.
Add excitement
by trying to see if you know the parties
involved.
(note: every Venezuelan driver is obliged to
do this)
5. Lose weight by sweating like
a pig as a result of a
lack of
air conditioning.
6. Greet other drivers.
7. Practice lane changing.
8. Play the game: Let's see how
close I can get to you before
rear-ending
you.
On Pedestrians
These individuals are an annoyance to
the Venezuelan driver. If you see pedestrians on your way, accelerate your
car to let them know who's the boss. If you are at an intersection, let
the pedestrians know you want to proceed by flinging your car at them.
On Social Situations
Bumping with a friend while driving is
a joyful occasion. Drivers should reduce speed and stop their cars in the
middleof the street and chit chat. What about other drivers? Well,
they can wait.
On Higway Driving
Bottleneck Formation: To accomplish this
type of driving, cars must block all lanes by driving at the same speed
and side by side (to avoid other cars to pass). It is important to drive
at a speed at least 20 mph below the speed
limit.
The Police Alert Network
If you see a cop while driving through
the highway you must advise other drivers about the cop's proximity by
flashing your head lights even during the day. By doing, this you help
speeding cars and potential escaped convicts avoid an unpleasant situation.
The Three-Lane-Change
This movement requires a lot of precision
and creativity. It should be done around the highest number of cars possible
and in a matter of seconds to create what others may refer to as widespread
panic.
On Highway Tolls
There are simple etiquette rules on how
to behave at a Venezuelan toll booth. First, If you don't have enough change
or only have dollar bills, go to the EXACT CHANGE lane. This will give
you the opportunity to get out of your car and look for change at another
toll booth while other drivers greet you.
Second, practice your hoops by throwing
the coins as far as possible. You will get extra points if one of them
doesn't get in. Third, if there is a traffic jam to get through the tolls
try changing lanes, other drivers will really appreciate you cutting in
front of them. Finally, wait until the last moment possible to get the
change required for the toll, preferably, wait until it's your turn.