My boss has connections in Washington, and he got a hold of the first
draft for the speech that President Clinton gave the country.  I though you
might appreciate it, so here it is:



THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE SPEECH THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON WAS PLANNING TO GIVE TO
THE COUNTRY THE OTHER NIGHT....

My Fellow Americans,

Ok, I banged her.  I banged her like the cheap gong she was.  Which is not
news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute
player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.  The only babes 
in D.C. I HAVEN'T tried to bang are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and 
Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have 
legs that Earl Campbell would envy.

Which isn,t to say I don't appreciate Hillary.....because I do.  If not 
for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm
equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd still be married to the President of
the United States.

So, let me set the record straight.  I dodged the draft, hid the FBI files,
knew about Vince Foster, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a
new Chinese Wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money 
to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, wasn't sorry 
to see McDougal die of an apparent heart attack, and grabbed every ass that 
came near the Oval Office.  Got it?  Good.

Six years ago, there wasn't a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as
horny as Woody Allen.  But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a
good move on your part.  Your other choices were George Bush, an aging
baseball player and part-time resident of some place called Kennebunkport
who thought he could bomb his way into the White House, and Ross Perot, a
little squirt good only for making pie-charts and talking in circles.  Before
him, it was Reagan, who left the office with worse Alzheimer's than he came 
in with.

Then there was Carter before him who brought you 14% inflation and a 17% 
prime interest rate, but smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just
kicked in.  Before him, Nixon coined, but never really understood, the concept
of "plausible deniability", and almost got a one-way ticket to Leavenworth 
for his crackerjack style of governing.

It goes without saying that Lyndon Johnson was an inbred, power mad war
criminal whose major contributions to American society was Agent Orange and
the smell of napalm in the morning.  And Kennedy, who was just a little
naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot his
proclivity for "beaver-wrestling", which was shared by at least a dozen 
former residents of the White House.  Which brings me back to my point.

Since I have been playing first saxophone here at the White House, government
is doing more for less.  The budget is balanced for on of the first times
since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn Monroe, a fact the press didn't seem
to care about, evidently.  Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get
a job as the night-watchman at the Watergate Building.  The stock market is
higher than a D-student on a full gram of cocaine, and anyone which a degree
from even a junior college who can spell "internet" has enough money to ponder
the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his next meal is
coming from.

Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my willie
showing.  What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter
(unless, of course, she's a hottie with big hair and thin ankles, and then 
I'd like to discuss it).  In the meantime, think about where you are today 
and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where 
I'm parking the Presidential limousine.

God bless the United States and thank God for easy women.  Good night.

                     ,,,,,,,
_______________ooo___(_O O_)___ooo_______________
                       (_)
jim blair (jeblair@facstaff.wisc.edu) Madison Wisconsin
USA. This message was brought to you using biodegradable
     binary bits, and 100% recycled bandwidth.


             MONICA'S REPLY
 
 Monica Lewinsky issued a statement released today, in response to 
 President  Clinton's testimony.
 
 I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my  
 mouth, and I can't stomach anymore. I feel as if I'm getting the
 shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This 
 may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my 
 best.

 I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming.  I
 will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on.  
 I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one  will
 ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit
 before the job was done.
 
 I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped  clean of
 this dirty affair.
 
 I will not be stained by it.
 
 "Thank you."
 Monica Lewinsky