SIGNS of our times.


On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."

In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
  workmanship."

At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of Valentine cards:
"I love you only"

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."

In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is
 extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves."

On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway:
"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."


AND THESE FROM NEWSPAPERS:
The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of 
city newspapers.

Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once, 
you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child.  Fenced yard, 
meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save.  Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school.  Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for 
efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.  Blue 
Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair 
to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by hand.

For sale.  Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Get rid of aunts.  Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.  
Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest.  Will take anything.

Christmas tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.

Wanted.  Widower with school age children requires person to 
assume general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of 
contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, 
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in 
your home for $1.00.


And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise
untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says,
"Do not throw stones at this sign."

                     ,,,,,,,
_______________ooo___( O O )___ooo_______________
                       (_)
jim blair (jeblair@facstaff.wisc.edu) Madison Wisconsin
USA. This message was brought to you using biodegradable
     binary bits, and 100% recycled bandwidth.