Subject: Who or What is Jay Hanson Anyway ? Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998 00:26:36 -0600 From: Heironymous Anonymous Newsgroups: sci.econ, sci.environment "My Struggle", by Jaydolf Janson. (This is a fictional account for adult audiences only. Any resemblance of characters in this humorous essay to actual persons living or dead is strictly the unintended consequence of a butterfly flapping its wings at the equator). My struggle began when I was born on a Viking ship crossing the ocean to Hawaii. Shortly after we arrived, most of the native Hawaiians exceeded the island's carrying capacity and died off, leaving lots more room for daddy's sugar cane and pineapples. My consciousness of the ecological struggle for existence dawned while I was suckling at my mommy's wet nurse's breast. As I grew up, my feet got bigger. They grew so fast that daddy's valet had to buy me new shoes every year. Sometimes even twice a year. Daddy's valet used to say "Oh Master Jaydolf, your feet's so big! If you don't stop growing soon we will need five islands to fit your footprints!" And this is how the Sandwich Islands were created, for it is written "He looked down upon them and saw they were delicious" (Genesys 1.1, beta release), and it was just so. In adolescence I was arrested. Despite my Sunday learnin', toward the bad I kept on turnin'. Momma seemed to know what lay in store. This is when I learned that I was the latest in a long line of Jansons with the gift of prophesy, recieved in Valhalla when Thor gave his blessing to Jan, father of Janson the First, by striking him on the head with Mjollnir. My high school teachers and class mates did not like it when I called them stupid liars all the time, but what do they know? What a bunch of idiots! After dropping out of high school, I turned on, tuned in, and dropped out of college. In my freshman class "Introduction to thought", the psychedelic guru Malthus Spencer Darwin the VIII turned us on to some really heavy shit, man. He like, told us the truth that everything you know is wrong, y' know? And then like, this big rainbow colored spider web came out of his face and started twisting around us like a tornado. Then we all got caught in his web, man, it was like, so real! Everything was connected to everything else, like, we were all human be-ins, wow! I guess ya had to be there. I started my career working part time in a five and dime, the Boss was Mr. McGee. He always said that he didn't like my kind, as I was way too leisurely. I was always busy doing something next to nothing that was different than the time before. That's when daddy died off and I never had to work another day in my life. When I finally got bored with idle debauchery, I decided to join the Information Age. I tried mounting and dismounting tape drives for a while, but they never got pregnant. The Systems Analyst was such a stupid jerk, he tried to tell me what to do. I could do his job, because I'm smarter than him, so I appointed myself Systems Analyst. After a couple of minutes on that job I retired. I sought my last refuge in politics. The people didn't accept obedience to my superior intellect and divine ordination to rule them benevolently. I soon realized that the people were over carrying capacity and had to die off, so I became a political activist to warn them of the consequences if they didn't die off immediately. Now in my golden years, it is my highest aspiration in life to win the prestigious Heiniken "Golden Shower" award by freely sharing my gift of prophecy in humble devotion to the betterment of all the world and everyone in it, except the stupid ones who are over carrying capacity. They just don't get it. I try to tell them the True Scientific Fact of I-PAT: I pat myself in my naughty place so I can get my jollies without making too many babies. They just don't get it. They're obviously not Scientific enough, so I try to explain it in terms the childish simpletons can understand. "It's like a life boat", I say, "and there's no room in it for you". They just stare back in utter disbelief, probably becuase they have the wrong religion, if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more. Then there are the EVIL ones who try to fool the others into thinking that I don't know what I'm talking about. Ha! I'll show them! They say there are no limits to life boat capacity, well I say there are no limits to their clever subterfuge and deceit, like putting those tiny furry little grey and brown robots in my basement that secretly broadcast all my thoughts to a huge underground super-computer complex in Nevada, where the *real* government runs the global economy to ruin everybody's life and kill all the plants and animals on Earth for their own selfish greed. What a bunch of idiots. They're all just politicians in disguise, no, wait, I know, they're all just theologians in disguise, no, wait, I know, they're all just space aliens in disguise. Architect David Vincent has seen them, and now he must convince a disbelieving world that the nightmare has already begun. They are all doomed to die, and I must warn them because I'm the only one who knows the scientific secret that everyone is going to die from breathing too much human-appropriated air! They all must die off before it's too late! Quickly Eva, to the bunker!