Nekkid Kid on Beach
by Phil Stripling
CIWAH is the non-descriptive acronym generally given to the USENET news group comp.infosystems.www.authoring.html. It has to be one of the most unpleasant news groups on the Internet, populated as it is with assorted crackpots who like nothing better than to take any flimsy excuse to make insulting and ugly statements to people. The information that one can obtain on this news group is generally first-rate. It is unfortunate that it is so badly tainted by the intolerant attitudes of the regulars there.
Although these ugly people purport to be adhering to some expressed principle or another, in practice, this turns out to be nothing but a patent lie. In reality, the ugliest of the CIWAH regulars--far from being principled dissenters--are nothing but a bunch of flaming hypocrites. I will leave it to the reader to decide which of the regulars might fit this description. For a different perspective on these idiots, please see Harry Pattinson and William G. Schlake.
The regulars also take great glee in correcting the USENET etiquette of people who post on the news group. They contemptuously refer posters to news.announce.newusers, and take any chance they can to belittle people less experienced than they. That this behavior is itself a violation of generally accepted USENET etiquette somehow escapes them. You would think that such experienced USENET users would know how to use a simple killfile, but I guess it is impossible for such utter hypocrites to see the extent of their own hypocrisy.
This page is dedicated to a few of my favorite regulars on CIWAH. These are the truly spectacular rotters, the ones for whom the sobriquet jerk is woefully inadequate. Let me give you this piece of advice--If you have a question for this news group, go look it up in Deja News instead.
There are some people in this world that are nice. There are some people who are evil. And then, there are some people who are merely absolutely and unredeemably revolting. I'm talking about the type of person who belongs at the bottom of a garbage dumpster, subsisting off of refuse just like rats.
The person who most exemplifies this condition is a loathsome abomination of a man who goes by the name of Alan J. Flavell (may he roast in hell). Mr. Flavell is a computer professional at the University of Glasgow in Scotland (an institution, by the way, that has produced some of the greatest philosophers the world has ever seen, not that such a fact has any bearing on this cretin). Note that I said "computer professional", not professor or lecturer. Mr. Flavell fancies himself an HTML expert. Well, "expert" is really too soft a word. He believes himself to be the preeminent authority on the subject of HTML. The Master, The Priest, The Lord God Almighty of HTML. If a web page doesn't have its markup strictly in accordance with section 4.2.3 of RFC 2070, Alan J. Flavell (may he rot in prison) will come thundering in to smite down the evildoer with his mighty flaming LYNX-scimitar.
But what really proves him to be the putrid prole that he is, is the way that he conducts himself on the CIWAH news group. No, "conducting" is really too soft a word. He "presides" over it. He lords over it. He considers it his personal fiefdom, and God help any lowly poltroon who dares to challenge the masterly pronouncements of The Great Alan J. Flavell (may his prostate explode). If someone without his voluminous knowledge of the most arcane and abstruse intricacies of HTML dares to ask a simple question or voice a modest opinion, in he wades to blast the heathen with his full imperial scorn.
For example, just take a look at what passes for advice in his mind! Can you believe the effrontery of this clown? Can you grasp the naked arrogance, the unmitigated gall? And for what? Think about it--Mr. Flavell is an expert in the field of H-T-M-L. HTML? An expert in HTML? Mr. Flavell, John For-Bloody-Crizzakes Locke used to lecture at your university!! Why don't you crack a book and learn something meaningful for crying out loud!!!
And the clincher is this: just look at the web page this Dilbert has!!! It shows no comprehension of design elements, not a speck of consideration for the reader, nary an inkling of syntax or rhythm, and not one iota of style or wit! Mr. Alan J. Flavell (may your armpit hairs ignite), you are but a tick on the rectum of the Internet! Why don't you take a break from getting abused by the real academics at that third-rate college where you work and get your bum out and get laid for a change!!!
The best way to describe Mr. Stripling might be to say that he is like Alan Flavell without the brains. It seems that his main purpose on the news group is to slam newbies whenever Mr. Flavell is otherwise occupied, and to fawn at Mr. Flavell's feet.
As for his technical advice, it is excruciatingly correct, which is to say, practically useless and calculated to make him look like a techno-god. To take a single example, in response to a simple question about where to get web page graphics, Phil pronounced that it is necessary for web page authors to become experts on copyright law.
Mr. Stripling, I hate to have to wake you from your delusional fantasies, but you have got to be kidding. This is typical of the kind of advice that one can expect at CIWAH: virtually correct, impossible to implement, and calculated mainly to make the questioner and all other unworthies feel like idiots.
In that same post, Mr. Stripling goes on to say that he spends his time scouring the Internet, looking for people that have pirated his precious graphics. Hey, Phil, let me clue you in on a few things that the rest of us know by virtue of our common sense. First, sorry to have to tell you this, but your unique graphics are not good enough to be worth pirating. Second, you would probably be a lot happier person if you spent your time making your own crappy web site better, rather than surfing around the Internet looking for people to screw with. Third, slamming some poor schmo who puts one of your stupid graphics on his Quake page is not going to make you any friends. Fourth, there is another organization on the Internet that spends its time looking for pirated material, just like you do. And you wanna take a guess what the Internet community has to say about them?
In the hope that my criticism sinks in, I have pirated one of Mr. Stripling's pathetically putrid custom graphics thus:
Nekkid Kid on Beach
by Phil Stripling
Go ahead, Phil. Slam me for pirating your graphic. I'm making no money from it, I am attributing it to you properly, but go ahead, call Geocities, and give 'em what-for. Guess what? You don't even know my real identity, you friggin' bozo! Criminy, grow up, and stop acting like such a wiener.
Ms. Skidmore is just about as bad as all of the other regulars at CIWAH. Unfortunately, she commits the major, irredeemable sin of actually having a super web page.
Catch a clue, will you? The regulars hate your guts.
Hey, Abigail, I can see that you would really, really like to fit in with all of the smart people that you admire on CIWAH. I hate to have to tell you this, but someone has to: You are an idiot, and all the regulars know it. You don't even rate to be a zit on Alan Flavell's ass. Sorry, but it's true.
By the way, Abby, just where the heck is your web page? Or are you still trying to figure out how to use this?
Lars, buddy, I know that English is not your first language, but please, take a hint. The word "Huh?" is not really a valid interjection, even though you find it so useful in your quest to make people feel stupid.
Maybe everyone who keeps a public database of every book they have ever read uses this word as much as you do. I really wouldn't know, since you're the only one I've ever seen.
If you have read my rant this far, I would like to thank you very much for your indulgence.
Now, I'm going to go work on my web page.
