Funny Warnings
Sent in by Victorian LadyOn instructions for a hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial bath bar:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a frozen dinner package:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging from a Rowenta Iron.
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines package of nuts:
Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a package of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
- Life is sexually transmitted.
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
- Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
- It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
- Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
- When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
- If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
- The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
- Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
- Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
- Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital.
- The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
A Load of Bull
Sent in by Victorian Lady.Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Sh*t, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull"
A Scot's Dream
Sent in by Melanie
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
A Motorcycle Accident
Sent in by Melanie.
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons. Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened. The police asked him, "are either of them showing any life signs?" The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."
How To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don't Really Mean
THE PROBLEM
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.
THE SOLUTION
Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways:
You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.
- To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
"In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can manage, "you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you." - To describe a person who is totally inept:
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." - To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." - To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job." - To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment." - To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
Smarter Sex
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident but it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Creative Problems
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Then God said, "Let there be light!"
Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?
God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night".
The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit."
The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth."
The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days.
The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...
At this point God created Hell.
New Drugs
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society..
DIRECTRA -a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA -Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA -Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks -especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."
COMPLIMENTRA -In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA -Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA -Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NAGA-SPORTAGRA -This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA -This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA -This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA -About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA -This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
Youthful Aspirations
Sent in by Victorian Lady
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."
Real Men Test
Note: All "Real Men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. Know this, and you will have come far in understanding men and enriching your own life..
- Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart. - As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs. - When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. - What about hugging another male?
A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a homerun to win the World Series, you may hug him, provided that:
(1) He is legally within the base path,
(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. - In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats. - You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely
Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the
clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but,
she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to
get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of
future together.
What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. - When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her. - Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what? - One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?" - What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions. - What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
A Female Dictionary
Aaaack (aak) interj.An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning --- and you don't know where the spider is.
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't
realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v.
To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes,
diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but
*he* "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a basketball game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a
purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with
you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to
duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming
out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold
your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his
collar, coloring only trashy women would wear...!
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds,
and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if
you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n.
The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then
end up doing it yourself ...anyway.
Bras
A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife."What type of bra?" asked the clerk
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"There are three types." replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man ask "What is the difference in them?"
The clerk responds "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
STATEMENTS FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE
"SMOKING KILLS, AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT
PART OF YOUR LIFE."
- Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields
(of course we should all ignore this one---LOL....
- Pro-smoking spokesperson SUMMERSKY)
"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP."
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER, THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE
DISORDER"
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention
"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL"
- Forestry expert Ronald Reagan
"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS"
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO"
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA, IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE
THEM UNSAFE"
- Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET"
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS"
- Andrew Mathis
"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK"
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I
HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD
CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE"
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY
TAKE THEM OFF."
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged
the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES."
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE
ARE THE PRESIDENT."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT
RESULTS."
- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE"
- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS,
AND I'm JUST THE ONE TO DO IT."
- A congressional candidate in Texas
"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE."
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE, SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL
MONEY."
- Everett Dirksen
"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM
THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE
INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES."
- John Wayne
"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE
IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC
MIND."
- General William Westmoreland
"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING
VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle, at a fundraising
event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote
the line "a mind is terrible thing to waste"
"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE
CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET."
- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayl
15 Ways To Drive A Man Crazy
- Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house.
- Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
- Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings. (What the hell are "Ring Dings?)
- Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.
- Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.
- "Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
- Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.
- Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
- Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs it more than he does."
- Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."
- If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
- Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
- Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.
- Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.
- Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don't know about to his younger brother, who he hates.
WHAT IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD
Sent in by Melanie and Earl
... Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
... PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
... Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
... Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
... A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
... Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
... Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
... Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
... Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
... Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit".
... Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
... Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
... Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
... All toilet seats would be nailed down.
... Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
... All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
... During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds
... Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
... After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
... For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
If Microsoft Built Cars
- Every time they re-painted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason and, you'd have to re-start it....For some strange reason, you'd just accept this....re-start and drive on.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to re-start....and....you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd accept this too.
- You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "CAR NT".....but then you'd have to buy more seats.
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive....but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
- The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make them run much slower.
- The engine, oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "GENERAL CAR FAULT" warning light.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
- The airbags system would say, "ARE YOU SURE?" before going off.
- If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
IF RESTAURANT WAITERS ACTED LIKE COMPUTER SUPPORT STAFF
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're eating the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[Waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
----------
Check for the meal:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be fixed with tomorrow's soup of the day)
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Rev. Norton's Golf Game
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420--YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Heavenly Competition
Sent in by RaeLee
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer.This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus saves."
Big Bic
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said.
So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"
A Guy in a Bar Leans Over...
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."
IF RESTAURANT WAITERS ACTED LIKE COMPUTER SUPPORT STAFF
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're eating the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[Waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
----------
Check for the meal:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be fixed with tomorrow's soup of the day)
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Rev. Norton's Golf Game
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420--YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Heavenly Competition
Sent in by RaeLee
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer.This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus saves."
Big Bic
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said.
So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"
A Guy in a Bar Leans Over...
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."
Corporate Lingo
WHAT THOSE TERMS FOUND IN JOB ADS REALLY MEAN!!
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple
of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED:"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON:"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been
filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal
formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
WHAT THOSE TERMS FOUND ON A RESUME REALLY MEAN!!
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:"
I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job.
Raisin Bread
Sent in by RaeLee A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng.
"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the feeble old man...."But it`s startin` to twitch."
"The 50th Anniversary"
An elderly couple decide to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the nude.
The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!"
To which he replies "Well, they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!"
"Gray Hair"
A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.
Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!"
Boat Owners
Sent in by RaeLee
There were these two twins Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just happened John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John stated "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel just terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about the boat said, "Hell No! In fact, I'm sorta glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten ole thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The darn fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle"...
The old woman fainted!
DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS
Sent in by RaeLee
A girl phoned me the other day and said Come on over, there's nobody home.
I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too.
Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that?
He said ....Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day.
I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry.
We did everything we could...... But he pulled through.
My mother had morning sickness -- after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him .... do you think we'll ever find them?
He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor.
Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?
He said...I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.
I told him ... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.
He said .... Alright....you're ugly too!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face.. turned me over and said. Look ... twins!
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
French Pilot
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says "Pierre, kiss me!"
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre, what are you doing?"
"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her pubic hair. He grabs a match and lights the Cognac, setting her on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames."
AOL Prank Calls
Sent in by RaeLee
Call placed to 1-800-4-ONLINE, the number to order an AOL startup kit.
::::::::ring::::::::
AOL: America Online, this is Diane speaking.
Me: Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join.
AOL: Okay sir what's your question?
Me: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called "cybersex"... does this cost extra?
AOL: :::quiet laugh in the background::: Well sir...I don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.
Me: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
AOL: Well its something members typically do when they go to a chat room.
Me: Humm...I don't understand, what is cybersex??
AOL: I'm sorry I really don't know how to explain it.
Me: Humm..well, have you ever had cybersex?
AOL: Sir I don't think that's an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need?
Me: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.
AOL: That's okay sir, anything else?
Me: Yes, I have one more question.
AOL: Go ahead
Me: What are you wearing?
AOL: [click]
:::Weird how she said "its something members typically do when they go to a chat room"...TYPICALLY? Well, we know what SHE does online ;):::
New User Troubles.
AOL: America Online, this is Debby, how may I help you this evening?
Me: Yes, I'm trying to become an AOL member, but I'm having problems making my account.
AOL: Okay, what happening?
Me: It disconnects me saying Invalid Credit Card.
AOL: What kind of credit card are you using?
Me: Visa.
AOL: Are you sure your card isn't expired?
Me: Actually, it's a stolen credit card.
AOL: Pardon, sir?
Me: Yeah, I stole it. I just jumped some guy and pounded him until he gave me his card.
AOL: Umm, sir I'm sorry I can't help you.
Me: Aww, c'mon, I'll give you a cookie.
AOL: Sir I have to go. AOL: America Online, This is Sarah, would you like to order America Online software?
Sarah sounds like some hyperactive youngster.
Me: Well, i'm not sure yet, I have a few questions first.
AOL: Okay sir how can I help you?
Me: With AOL, I can send E Mail right?
AOL: Yes you can.
Me: Okay....now... Who the hell is "E" and why does everyone want to
mail him???? Now is when I hear some giggles... she puts me on hold to gather
herself.
AOL: Please Hold.
AOL: Okay, sir i'm back, sorry about that, we had a little problem
here.
Me: No problem.
AOL: Okay.... well sir, "E" means electronic.
Me: Now i'm even more confused.
AOL: Hum... how so?
Me: If "E" is electronic, how does it know what to write back?
Here she lets out a sigh.... stressing to find a way to explain email to me.
AOL: Sir can you hold on again?
Me: Okay.
AOL: Hello, this is the supervisor here.... what exactly is your
question? Maybe I can answer that for you.
Me: Well.... who, or what, is "E"...and why does everyone want to mail him?
AOL: E-Mail means electronic mail, its a way you can send writing to a friend over the computer.
Me: Ohh... simple enough... I feel so stupid.
AOL: Haha, well... that's okay, you gotta learn somewhere. Do you
have any other questions?
Me: Yes, I heard that AOL has a problem with something my friends call 'suckage'.
AOL: Hum...what exactly is that?
Me: Well, they say that AOL sucks, and that I shouldn't get it. But sometimes my friends are idiots, so I want to know, does AOL suck?
AOL: Oh no it does not. AOL has the fastest connection to the
internet, and over 9 million members!
Of Coarse it does! What was I thinking??
Me: Not according to inside-aol , aolwatch, pf@aol, aof, and many other web sites.
AOL: Well, those kind of web sites have a lot of lies, why don't you come try out AOL for yourself?
Me: Oh, so you've seen those sites?
AOL: Yes, they are all lies.
Me: How about them inside-aol prank calls?
AOL: Oh boy.... is this one of those?
It's a true honor to know moronic supervisors visit this site.... well, okay, not really.
Me: Could be.
AOL: Well, I need you to disconnect immediately.
This man is sounding very scared... like I have a gun to his head over the phone.
Me: What??
AOL: I need you to disconnect, we have other calls to take.
Me: haha... look down, there's this thing on your phone called a
'hook'...you can hang up on me!
This is when I hear a deep thinking "hummmm"....and he hangs up.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "you don't
know Jack Schitt". Now, you can handle the situation. Jack is the
only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.
Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple
produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins; Deep Schitt and Dip
Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school
dropout. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later
married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she
wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe chitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken
Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout
childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual
ceremonies. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt,
the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned
with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct
them. A is an activist itching to fight.
A question had appeared in an examination which read, "Give
four uses of breast milk?" A student began to answer the
question.
But the fourth point eluded him. When there were barely a
couple of minutes for the exam to close the much required
fourth point flashed to his mind. So he completed the answer by
writing
E-Mail Confusion - AOL Prank Calls
You must read all of this, this is the only prank call where I get to harrass an AOL supervisor.
The comments in red were not said over the phone, they just give you some more detail on the call.
Call placed to AOL call center, 1-800-4-ONLINE
Mr. Schitt
Sent in by RaeLee
Politically Correct Alphabet
B is a beast with its animal rights.
C was a cripple (now differently abled).
D is a Drunk who is "liquor-enabled."
E is an Ecologist who saves spotted owls.
F was a Forrester, now staffing McDonald's.
G is a Glutton who says he's "food-centered."
H is a Hermaphrodite skirting problems of gender.
I is an "Ism" (you'd better believe it).
J is a Jingoist - love it or leave it!
K is a Kettle the pot can't call black.
L is a Lifestyle not bound to the pack.
M is a Mindset with bias galore.
N was a Negro, but not anymore.
O is an Oppressor, devoid of self-love.
P is the Patriarchy (see "O" above).
Q is a Quip that costs someone a job.
R is the Reasoning done by a mob.
S is a Sexist, that slobbering menace.
T is a Teapot that's brewing a tempest.
U is for Umbrage at the slightest transgression.
V is a Valentine, tool of oppression.
W is for "Woman," however it's spelled.
X is a chromosome we share in our cells.
Y is a Yogi for the easily led.
Z is a Zombie, the differently dead.
Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age
Close Milk Examination
Sent in by RaeLee
Jet Fuel
A couple of drinking buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at Dallas-Fort Worth; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and it'll kinda give you a buzz."
So they get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin' buddies can do.
The following morning, one of them wakes up and he expects his head will explode if he gets out of bed. But it doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great - NO hangover!
The phone rings, it's his buddy.
The buddy says "Hey, how do you feel?"
He says, "I feel great!!"
The buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?"
He says, "No - that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangover - we ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"What??"
"Did you FART yet??!!!!!!!"
"No..."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!"
WORTH THINKING ABOUT...
...AT LEAST ONCE!
Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Misers aren't much fun to live with,
but they make great ancestors.
Be careful what rut you choose.
You may be in it the rest of your life.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.
The world is full of willing people:
some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Money isn't everything....
there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
Live Rabbit
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
BLONDES AT THE PEARLY GATES
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
IF THE APOSTLES WERE COLLEGE STUDENTS...
Then Jesus took his disciples up on the mountain and gathered them around him. And he taught them, saying,
"Blessed are the poor in spirit...
Blessed are those who mourn...
Blessed are the meek...
Blessed are you who thirst for righteousness...
Blessed are the merciful...
Blessed are the pure in heart...
Blessed are the peacemakers...
Blessed are you who are persecuted...
When these things begin to happen, rejoice, for your reward will be great in Heaven."
And Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Phillip said, "Will this be on the test?"
And John said, "Would you repeat that?"
And Andrew said, "John the Baptist's disciples don't have to learn this stuff."
And Matthew said, "Huh?"
And Judas said, "What's this got to do with real life?"
Then one of the Pharisees, an expert in the law, said, "I don't see any of this in your syllabus. Do you have a lesson Plan? Is there a summary? Where's the student guide? Will there be a follow-up assignment?"
Thomas, who had missed the sermon, came to Jesus privately and said, "Did we do anything important today?"
. . . Jesus wept.
**************************
21 Things To Say If You Get
Caught Sleeping on the Job ...
**************************
- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
- "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
- "I was working smarter-not harder."
- "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
- "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
- "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
- "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
- "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead."
- "I'm in the management training program."
- "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
- "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
- "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
- "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
- "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."
- "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
- "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
- "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
- "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
- "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
- "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
- "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
CHINESE DICTIONARY - *MUST BE PRACTICED OUT LOUD*
Dung On Mai Shu ------ I stepped in excrement
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu ---- Let's sleep together
Ai Bang Mai Ne ------- I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu ---------- A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat ---------- You need a face lift
Chow Mai Dong -------- Romantic proposition
Dum Gai -------------- A stupid person
Wel Hung Gai --------- Is that a banana in your pocket?
Gun Pao Der ---------- An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung -------- Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding ------- We have reason to believe you are hiding a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun -------- A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia -------------- Approach me
Lao Ze Sho ----------- Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi --------------- Not very good
Lin Ching ------------ An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding -------- A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn --------------- A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai ------------- A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be -------- A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne --------- A small horse
Ten Ding Ba ---------- Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung --------- A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan -------- Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah --------- Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim ----------- Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting ------ There is no reason to raise your voice
Men's Sexual Desires
God told man, "I'm going to give you ten years of a normal sex life."
Man said, "That's not enough. The way I feel, I need much more."
God said, "If I give you something, don't complain."
Man said, "But sex isn't just something."
God said, "Look, I'm busy. We'll talk again."
God called the King of the Beasts to him and said, "Lion, you've got twenty years of sex life." The lion said, "Ten will be enough."
Man said, "Let me have the extra ten."
God nodded and said, "You've got it."
God gave the monkey twenty years. The monkey said that ten would be enough.
Man raised his hand. God nodded and gave him the extra ten.
Before the day was over, God had given man ten years the donkey didn't want and a final ten that parrots couldn't use.
That may explain why men have ten normal years of sex, ten years of lion about it, ten years of monkeying around with it, ten years of being an ass about it, and ten years of talking about it!
Subject: Real Men - a degree
A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY (New Orleans) that many of you should be interested in:
That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
Winter Schedule
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers
Spring Schedule
MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like A Jerk When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
ELECTIVES (See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1
Spring Schedule
MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2
Course Electives
EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Priest to seek his advice. He tells the Priest about all of his problems in the business and asks the Priest what he should do. The Priest says "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do." The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Priest. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Priest a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the church in order to thank the Priest for his wonderful advice. The Priest is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 7."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
MEN 232 Appear To Be ListeningSubject: Business Sense????
Subject: Mother in law!
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