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In this quite unintentional tribute to the late Princess of Wales, we examine a little-reported (partly because it didn't occur, but that has never been a problem for reporters) incident which happened the day before her departure.
It was on the deck of Dodi's yacht, while they were both trying to count the number of stars in the overcast sky, that they noticed a small toilet-seat-shaped UFO in the sky. It soon landed on the yacht.
``Blessed media, they'll be the death of us one day.'' mumbled Dodi softly.
But the tall figure that stepped out of the unearthly vehicle was not carrying a camera. It approached them cautiously.
``Er... take me to your ladder... no, that's not it... I greet you in pieces... Bloody Betelgeuse, forget the greeting. Earthlings, will you be my pigs ... guinea pigs?''
Diana looked at the alien, mumbled something about Harry never believing this, and asked (in as calm a manner as her royal training wouldn't allow) how they could help.
``My name is Jay Pryn, researcher, Alpha Centauri School of Currently and To-be Extinct Lifeforms. I need volunteers for a painless experience.''
Diana mentally substituted `experiment' for `experience' and gave a sedate nod, causing Dodi to examine his fingernails feverishly.
``Think you.'' said the alien as he pulled out two opaque objects from his gown. ``Here are two boxes. Box A contains a kilo of gold. Box B is either empty or contains a kilo of platinum, which is far more valuable than gold.''
``When does B contain platinum?'' Dodi tended to find precious metals more interesting than fingernails.
``You must pick either both boxes or B only. You keep the contents of the box(es) you pick. I will predict beforehand what you will do. If I think you'll pick both, then I will leave B empty. If I think you'll pick only B I will place the platinum in it. I should darn you, this experiment has been done thousands of times, and I have only been wrong once, with a old nun in Calcutta. Will you lose first, Princess?"
She agreed to choose first, and allowed the alien to scan her brain with his pocket computer. This did not take very long and he soon filled the boxes appropriately and placed them in front of her.
``It seems clear,'' she mused, ``that since you have made your decision already, whatever I do now will not affect the contents of the boxes. So by choosing both boxes I'll get a bar of gold more than I would by picking B only.''
Dodi was frantic again. ``No, no, no! If you do that, then the alien must have known you would do that, and kept B empty! Pick only B, then you'll almost certainly get the platinum!''
``Are you saying that what I do now will determine what the alien thought in the past? Can the present affect the past? No! If I pick B I get the contents of B only, but if I pick both I get the contents of B and A. Whatever his decision is, I'll get more by picking both boxes!''
Dodi mumbled something about not only looking a gift horse in the mouth, but also counting its teeth as well. Diana picked both boxes and found B empty. She gave a five minute lecture on how to swear like a good ex-royal.
Told you so, said Dodi, as the princess glared at him. He chose next, then she did, then he did,... about a dozen times. The alien was ever correct, even when Dodi chose both boxes or Diana chose one.
``This cannot be!'' she said to the alien, ``How can we be so predictable? Even if I change my mind at the last moment, you are still correct! I think you must be cheating! I think that somehow you can change the contents of B after I announce my decision and before I open the box!''
``That's possible, my antelope Diana. Shall we make the boxes transparent?''
Dear Diana gave a good impression of a goldfish with its mouth open. Dodi raised his eyebrows. The alien raised his computer and scanned the ex-to-be-monarch. She then went to look at a corner of the room while Dodi watched the alien put a bar of platinum in B. It was still a bar of platinum when Diana yelled that she wanted a single box.
``By Kennedy and Marilyn!'' he said to the alien, ``You're not human!''
``That's pretty obvious,'' said the alien as he added the bar to a large heap of precious metals already on the deck of the yacht, ``and now I must go.''
``But you can't!'' said Dodi, ``we haven't sorted this out! Picking both boxes is a foolproof strategy, yet it always fails! The only way we can succeed is to believe that humans are predictable, which cannot be the case! So we have a paradox (author: something with an inherent contradiction, like the sentence `I lie', which can be neither true nor false)! You must explain it to us!''
``I would if I could, but I can't so I won't. This paradox was actually invented by one of your species: William Newcombe, a physicist in California in the 1960s. And so far no decision has been reached, despite much discussion amongst your world's best minds, of what would be the best strategy to follow. Both arguments seem equally valid, which cannot be."
With that, the alien left them.
(The author apologises to anyone who finds this article in bad taste - Di's work on landmines was absolutely fantastic and he hopes that arms manufacturers will soon stop selling products that deprive people of theirs)
Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities. --- Lord Dunsany
Logic is neither a science or an art, but a dodge. --- Benjamin Jowett
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