00) Real Programmers always keep and/or hunt for old & used equipment like
old PDP-11/05, Dataroute modems or their last 10 hi-fi tapedecks:
you never know when they will become handy. As for old magazines
& newspapers, it's the same.
01) Real Programmers are never organized: why keep track of everything and
thus know what will happen tomorrow when it's so fun to discover
that you have a deadline for THIS EVENING?
02) Real Programmers are never punctual. Why be on-time when you can be in
a hurry?
03) Real Programmers don't change their wardrobe too often: there are no
clothes stores that are open at two o'clock in the morning. And
besides, why change your old clothes when you know every hole in
it like an old friend?
04) Real Programmers can do enormous pieces of software, perfect on the
first run without receiving any valid explanations from their bosses.
05) Real Programmers are never where they're supposed to be and are always
looking where they're not.
06) Real Programmers don't like IBM. Neither are there Real Programmers at
Microsoft.
07) Science-Fiction is an important thing in the life of the Real Programmer,
and more specifically Star Trek: he knows every episode by heart,
has all the pocket book collection, each and every gizmo on the
market and, finally, can quote Mr. Spock (or Dr McCoy) like some
quote Shakespeare or Confucius.
08) Real Programmers are always in deep shit.
09) Real Programmers are REALLY good liars; this gift comes handy when you
have to explain why your program does not work and/or why you're
behind schedule.
0A) Real Programmers always use sound effects when they talk.
0B) Real Programmers invariably do their best work in The Last Minute, if
not later.
0C) Due to axioms 01,02,04 and especially 0B, Real Programmers never put a
comment in a program. This sometimes explains axioms 08 and 09.
0E) Real Programmers are totally non-superstitious. See axiom # 0D.
0F) Crowded buses or a 2 AM visit to the bathroom are two of the best
sources of inspiration for a Real Programmer. However, these flashes
of brilliance tend to vanish as soon as one exits the said places.
Hence axiom 13.
10) Real Programmers never use their equipment the way it's supposed to be
used. For example, to a Real Programmer, a modem is just a way to
invite the FBI to his next party.
11) A clean computer room is a contradictory term.
12) There are more wires in the computer room than in the rest of the house.
13) You can recognize the Real Programmer by the pencils that he has in one
of his pockets ready for all occasions.
14) Real Programmers are a misunderstood species. Nobody can understand why
they try to write efficient code when you've got megs and megs of
memory coupled with a fast CPU. Why bother? (On a serious side, the
fine art of efficient programming is REALLY going down the drain).
15) Real Programmers debug their programs in their sleep.
16) Real Programmers have mysterious powers. Like magicians who bring
rabbits out of hats, Real Programmers can produce tons of paper
heaps from nowhere.
17) Real Programmers are a good family attraction at parties, especially
when they start talking computerese.
18) Real Programmers just hate to get up in the morning, and contrary to
Ordinary People, they're in better shape as the day goes on.
19) Real Programmers are all loud mouths and always have a good anecdote
to tell.
1A) Real Programmers, NEVER, absolutely NEVER, generalize.
1B) Real Programmers dream in Hi-Rems.
1C) Real Programmers can improvise a 3 hr speech on Murphy's laws.
1D) Real Programmers don't understand why ordinary peoples don't understand
their explanations.
1E) After too many explanations, A Real Programmer tends to be paranoid.
1F) The more important a piece of equipment is, the more likely it is to
break.
20) The chance of a hard disk crash increases exponentially with every byte
of data saved since the last backup. However, the chance returns to
0% as soon as a backup is made.
21) Any equipment purchased will become obsolete two weeks after it is
acquired.
22) Real Programmers never program in COBOL.
23) The only use of a tie for a Real Programmer is to hang himself when his
boss orders him to program in COBOL.
24) Real Programmers don't sleep: they hang upside down in caves.
25) Real Programmers are familiar with the overnight radio shows.
26) Real Programmers are afraid to clean their office (or their home)
because if they did, they would find everything they needed the
previous day. However, never forget that their so-called "mess" is
the expression of a highly sophisticated system, so complex that
only one person can understand it.
27) The most common things in a terminal room, besides Real Programmers,
are the heaps of empty coffee cups; one can also judge the
complexity of the program by the height of the heaps.
28) Real Programmers never die, they just get deleted.
29) Like doctors, the quality of handwriting of Real Programmers is
inversely proportional to their experience.
2A) Real Programmers program in the dark.
2B) Real Programmers always program with their back to the wall. See 2C, 2D.
2C) While supervisor is out
Real Programmers play games
Endwhile
2D) While supervisor is in
Real Programmers make games
Endwhile
2E) Real Programmers love to GO TO places.
2F) Human Programmers both idolize and despise Real Programmers.
