Stolen from Khushwant Singh's Joke Book I.
A priest was playing golf with a taxi-driver (don't ask me why, I only write here). Whenever the latter played a bad shot, he would break into a deluge of profanity. The priest warned him against this and later threatened divine retribution if he continued. Which he did the next time he missed a sitter. ``Bloody f*ing hell, missed again!" yelled the driver, upon which a bolt of lightning immediately reduced the priest to ashes. The merely ashen-faced driver looked up to the heavens. Just in time to hear a deep voice say ``Bloody f*ing hell, missed again!"
A goalkeeper was walking down a street when he saw a house on fire. Rushing there, he saw a woman with a baby in her arms trapped on the third floor. He told her that, his job being what it was, he would catch the baby. After a little hesitation, she dropped the infant. The goalie caught it expertly, and in true reflexive fashion, moved a few steps with it before kicking the little brat into the distance.
A visitor to Espana was not impressed when he was told that bull-fighting was the most popular sport there. ``It's bloody revolting!'' he exclaimed. Unruffled, the Spaniard promptly replied ``Actually, revolting is our second most popular sport.''
Kruschev was busy denouncing Stalin at a public meeting when a voice shouted out ``If you feel this way now, why didn't you say so then?'' To which the Soviet leader thundered ``Who said that?'' There was a long and petrified silence which Kruschev finally broke. ``Now you know why.''
Mao was once asked what he thought would have happened if Kruschev had died instead of Kennedy. ``Well,'' he replied after much deliberation, ``I doubt if Aristotle Onassis would have married Mrs. Kruschev.''
A bunch of city dwellers go to the country, where a sign in a national park urges them to ``keep still and listen to the silence.'' After a while one turns to his wife and asks ``I can't hear anything, can you?''
Two IRA men were driving to a spot with a bomb in their car. ``Don't travel so rashly! You may set off the bomb!'' cautioned one. To which the other Paddy replied ``Don't worry, we have a spare bomb in the boot.'
A man was praying to God.
He said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is only a
second."
"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God,
what is a million
dollars worth to you?"
God said, "a million dollars to me is as a
penny."
So the man said, "God. can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a
second."
Quoted in the Wall St. Journal --"I'm proud to say that my kids have proved time and again that they're reliable and trustworthy. Not once have they ever jumped bail."
Patient to eye doctor: " I'm very worried
about the outcome of this
operation,doctor. What are the chances? "
Eye doctor to patient: " Don't worry you won't
be able to see the
difference.
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a real Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...not these days...I'm only giving out 1 wish because of inflation. So...what'll be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, man! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but I'm not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. So make another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. They think she's a real bitch and ugly as sin. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."
The Genie thought for a minute and said, "Hhhmmm. Lemme see that map again."
Harry Swartz is on his death bed, his wife Selda is by his side:
"Selda, you've always been by my side"
"When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side"
"When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side"
"When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side"
"When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side"
"And now when I'm dying; you are at my side"...........
"Selda, you're a fucking jinx!!"
Q:why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A:it was dead
Q:why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
A:he got hit by the first koala
Q:why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
A:he thought it was a game
Q:why did the Australian fall off his bike?
A:he got hit in the head by three falling koalas
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied
the doctor.
'
